There is a Song by Linkin Park named "Somewhere I belong" that sums up how I've felt all my life so well that it's unbelievable. Here are the lyrics:
(When this began)
I had nothing to say
And I get lost in the nothingness inside of me
(I was confused)
And I let it all out to find
That I'm not the only person with these things in mind
(Inside of me)
But all that they can see the words revealed
Is the only real thing that I've got left to feel
(Nothing to lose)
Just stuck, hollow and alone
And the fault is my own, and the fault is my own
I wanna heal, I wanna feel
What I thought was never real
I wanna let go of the pain
I've felt so long
(Erase all the pain till it's gone)
I wanna heal, I wanna feel
Like I'm close to something real
I wanna find something I've wanted all along
Somewhere I belong
And I've got nothing to say
I can't believe I didn't fall right down on my face
(I was confused)
Looking everywhere only to find
That it's not the way I had imagined it all in my mind
(So what am I?)
What do I have but negativity?
Cause I can't justify way everyone is looking at me
(Nothing to lose)
Nothing to gain, hollow and alone
And the fault is my own, and the fault is my own
I wanna heal, I wanna feel
What I thought was never real
I wanna let go of the pain
I've felt so long
(Erase all the pain till it's gone)
I wanna heal, I wanna feel
Like I'm close to something real
I wanna find something I've wanted all along
Somewhere I belong
I will never know
Myself until I do this on my own
And I will never feel
Anything else until my wounds are healed
I will never be
Anything till I break away from me
I will break away
I'll find myself today
I wanna heal, I wanna feel
What I thought was never real
I wanna let go of the pain
I've felt so long
(Erase all the pain till it's gone)
I wanna heal, I wanna feel
Like I'm close to something real
I wanna find something I've wanted all along
Somewhere I belong
I wanna heal, I wanna feel
Like I am somewhere I belong
I wanna heal, I wanna feel
Like I am somewhere I belong
Somewhere I belong
Another very dark song that rang very strongly with me. This is just another prime example of the place that I am making my way out of at this point in time. A sense of belonging is something that every human being strives for in lifw. For most of my life I've never felt like I've ever been anywhere that I truly belonged and that is most certainly a very bleak thing. Looking back on the person I was a mere 6 months ago, I see that I was very negative. Not only was I very negative, I was extremely jaded and cynical about just about everything in the world. How are you supposed to be a happy person with that kind of attitude?
Being ostracized by family and peers growing up had a very powerful influence on my perceptions and how I acted. I learned that participation yielded scorn, ridicule and guilt, thus I switched from an attitude of participation to one of observation. If you didn't get involved in things and relationships and merely observed and didn't interact, you didn't get hurt. It's no wonder that I never felt like I belonged anywhere, I was forever observing things as an outsider for fear of appearing vulnerable and getting hurt.
This sort of attitude has proven to be a very difficult one to shed over time. I can honestly say that I am no longer nearly as negative, cynical or jaded as I once was but I still find it difficult to switch from an attitude of observation to interaction. One thing that helped dramatically was my experience at the therapy center that I stayed at for 6 weeks late this Spring and early Summer. It was there that I had the chance to get to know people who had similar problems and attitudes as my own. The more vulnerable I was, the more people there accepted me. It was a very enlightening and gratifying experience for me, for the first time in my life I felt like I truly belonged. Though I do have to admit that there is one yearly experience that I attend that makes me feel the same way, that would be the 3 day Dave Matthews Band concert at the Gorge. Being there with thousands of people that share the passion that I have for the band is liberating every year but it's too short lived and easily forgotten over time.
Feeling like you belong where you live is a very powerful thing as well. When I lived in Bozeman in the 90's I truly came to love the city and almost felt like I belonged there. When I moved to Spokane for my clincal internship that feeling evaporated overnight and forgot what it was like. When I moved to Kauai I hoped that I could regain some of that feeling of belonging....I couldn't have been more incorrect. Though Kauai is a very beautiful place, there is much racial tension between the natives and the white population. This is very understandable since we have literally invaded the Hawaiian islands, filling them up with condominiums and Winter homes. This drives up the price of everything and locals are always crowded out by their more wealthy white counterparts. I wasn't even remotely prepared to deal with the predjudice that I would encounter on the island. The Hawaiian culture is a very beautiful one but it has been tainted by hate and bigotry and this makes me very sad. I felt like I was continually assaulted the entire time I lived there. I'm not saying that it's unbearable and no one should move there, I was just too sensitized to it due to my upbringing.
I've been home for over 3 years now and I had a revelation about a month ago.....I feel like I belong here in Missoula and I'm very happy to feel that way about a place again. I still don't feel like I really fit in very well at work but I'm doing my best to change that attitude over time. I still have a tendency to observe instead of interact with people, I'm doing it now as I sit in the window of my coffee shop watching people go buy. I'm still struggling with making friends, I have most of my life so it's unreasonable to expect that to change overnight. The important thing is that I love it here in Missoula and for the first time in over 10 years, I'm not thinking about where I am going to move next.
A sense of belonging is a very important thing in life and I strive for it everyday. Once again, the important part is that I continue to strive and continue to grow. Being healthy and happy takes a lot of work and it's important to look back on things and see how far you have come. In my case I'm making up for about 38 years of negativity but it's never too late to start and it's always worth doing!
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