I am an extremely analytical person and these attitudes are very pervasive in my daily life. The problem is that this makes me a little bit of a loner because I spend far more time observing people as opposed to interacting them with them. This is fundamental problem that I spend a great deal of time trying to overcome. The problem stems from the fact that I am so observant and analytical that it leads to a certain amount of detachment from everything. Life is supposed to be experienced, not just watched.
I sit here in my coffee shop writing in my journal and posting on this blog.... all the while watching people walk by, coming to and fro and generally going about all their business. I love watching people but I find that I have a lot of anxiety when it comes to actually interacting with them. I live a pretty quiet life, that's not to say that I don't have things that I do, I just don't spend a lot of time with people outside of work. I have come to the conclusion that through my experiences over the last 5 years that I have forgotten how to make friends. I've been through quite a bit in these years and I carry a lot of shame over many things (there is a large difference between shame and guilt). I am generally so ashamed of myself that I automatically feel that most people that I meet on a daily basis wouldn't be interested in forming any kind of friendship with me. This is a very self defeating attitude that requires a lot of effort and self awarenss to overcome. I spend a lot of time trying to get past the shame that I carry and it's definitely an ongoing process. How do you make friends when you are so embarrassed of yourself and the state of your life at this point in time? Anxiety is a very powerful adversary and often means that I take the path of least resistance as opposed to facing things that cause my anxiety.
Shame is only half of the equation though. I've been hurt by people who were supposed to be friends and loved ones through the entirety of my life, so much so that I have learned that observation carries far less risk in rejection than interaction. So I watch people. I watch people and wonder how they met each other and what things they have in common to form the basis of a friendship. I used to have quite a few friends when I was married but the move to Hawaii and the less than amicable divorce (my ex-wife remarriend one of my groomsmen) combined to decimate quite a few friendships that I had with people. The fact that I fell into a spiral of depression really helped intensify feelings of isolation and lonelines. On a positive note, the friends that were left standing have proven to be some of the best friendships I've encountered in my lifetime.
Forming new friendships is absolutely essential to my well being but I have absolutely no idea where I'm supposed to start. I'm 39 now and most people my age are married and have families that keep them busy, I'm not going to find very many people my age that are going to have a lot time to devote to hanging out with me. Another problem is that I work evenings all the time so I'm not off when the vast majority of the population who work 9-5 have free time. Work itself poses it's on set of difficulties that don't reinforce a sense of worth or belonging within me. I work in a very dysfunctional environment where there is no loyalty or a sense of common ground with the exception of our shared misery (don't get me wrong, I feel very fortunate to have a job that lets me live in Missoula). So I sit here and journal 4-5 days a week and the same question/problem keeps repeating itself, how the hell do I meet people and form some friendships? I understand that this is absolutely necessary but I'm scared absolutely shitless of it. Beneath all my defenses and insecurities lies a very sensitive soul that really doesn't want to get hurt anymore.
I live in a liberal college town and I should be able to meet people just about anywhere but my nature is to do nothing but observe and draw as little attention to myself as possible. I hate being lonely yet it's exactly what I am comfortable with. It takes effort to produce growth and anything worth doing is rarely easy. I have to find positive ways to come out of my shell with people and believe that I have things to offer in friendship. I know that this is a process and that it takes time so I must be patient while putting myself out there. Hopefully things will develop over time with some self confidence and a little bit of luck.
I've come a long way in the last 9 months but that doesn't mean that I'm not faced with challenges and oppurtunities for growth. Maintaining a positive attitude and a certain level of patience is absolutely essential. I'm very grateful for the people who are in my life and hope they know this. I just need to find more ways to connect with people so I feel a greater sense of belonging.
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