Despite my efforts and with a great deal of embarrassment and shame, I find myself peering up from inside a hole at this point in time. I always told myself that I wouldn't let this happen again but somehow here I am. Falling into a depressive state can be a very subtle thing for me and like this instance, I often am not aware it's happening until I'm a lot farther down than I should be.
How the hell did I get here? I knew that something like this was bound to happen again but I figured that it would be much farther in the future and that I would have recognized what was happening and would have been able to stop it. Things are nowhere near as bad as they were last year at this time (something I am very grateful for) but I definitely am very depressed. It was late last week that I realized that I have been regularly sleeping 12 hours a day, I'm only walking/hiking with the dogs twice a week, my journaling sessions have fallen to once a week and my visits to gym are becoming fewer and farther in between. These are not good patterns for me and when I lose these anchoring devices, bad things are on the horizon.
I hate this so much. Why can't I be normal like the majority of the population? Having PTSD and refractory depression is never easy and if it means that I have to be mindful of what is going on with Jon as much as possible but even that isn't enough at times. It doesn't help that work is in absolute turmoil right now and no one I work with can be trusted with the knowledge of what I struggle with everyday. Sometimes I wonder if living in Missoula is really worth all of the suffering at work. This begs the question, am I depressed because I can't deal with work or can I not deal with things at work because I'm depressed? It's the chicken or the egg question and unfortunately there is no easy answer. I feel very lucky to have a job at this point in time (though that may change in the near future, it's hard to tell right now) and I need to take some comfort in that at least.
Luckily for me I am trying to take active steps to get some kind of grip and crawl my way out the hole again. Today is the vernal equinox and that means that nicer days and mountain biking is just around the corner. I've vowed to limit myself to sleeping only 8 hours a night, walking the dogs daily again, journaling at least 3-4 times a week and spending as much time in the gym as possible in preparation for the upcoming mountain biking season.
As usual, I'm not looking for any sympathy and really hate sharing my sob story as it looks right now. The point that I am trying to make is that people with mental illness, like myself, often struggle with inner demons that a they may or may not have any control over everyday. The stigma of mental illness is far better than it was 20 years ago but many people just don't understand that it really is a disease and it's something that you can't just decide you are going to be over one morning after you wake up. It takes a great deal of courage to face things like depression and PTSD everyday, I don't want any special treatment or anything like that, I just want people to have a glimpse of what life can be like when with mental illness.
In the meantime, I will continue my battle and will strive to walk the correct path as opposed to the easy one. I know what I need to do, I know what I need to change and I know that I still need to grow. The important part is that no matter how hard it is, I have to stay as positive as possible and keep trying.
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