Turning Tables

Just out of the blue I found a song by Adele by the name of "Turning Tables" that elicited a rather strong emotional response from me. You can find the lyrics here: http://www.metrolyrics.com/turning-tables-lyrics-adele.html

I frequently express my emotions through the music that I listen to, those who can successfully decipher the meaning that specific songs have for me are the people who see the innermost portions of my soul that I try to keep hidden. Four years ago I met a woman who could see straight through my defenses to see the vulnerable child that lives within in me. The problem is that this woman was someone with far deeper emotional scars than the ones that I carry. Instead of attempting to nurture my inner child and draw him to the surface, she sought to destroy it.

Have you ever woke up from a nightmare that was so frighteningly real that you had soaked the sheets with sweat and wondered if the dream was real? Unfortunately I recently woke up from a nightmare that was all too real. Many people who know me know that last year at this time that I was dealing with a crisis where through some very strange details, my girlfriend had fallen into a coma, I wasn't allowed to go see her and her family was emotionally torturing me. It was perhaps the darkest time of my life. I had just made the decision to end a three year long distance relationship that was extremely unhealthy and was going nowhere. Not a week later I got a very angry and abusive text stating that my ex-girlfriend had fallen into a coma following a routine surgery to remove some ovarian cysts and that I was the worst of the worst of people for abandoning her in her hour of need. I was absolutely devastated by the news and had a very public breakdown at work as a result. I tried to travel to Seattle to be by her side and show my support for someone whom I still loved very much. I was denied this chance and received severe emotional torment instead. Her family wouldn't even talk to me on the phone, so all the information and punishment was given via text. This lasted for just over 5 months with the story getting more and more outlandish at every turn....as did the punishment. Finally, after having my entire soul run over, spit on and set fire, I made a plan to end my life and ended up in the hospital for a week. Realizing that the onslaught of emotional abuse was slowly killing someone who had suffered enough abuse during his childhood, the psychiatrists told me I had to write one final email and move on with me life. I did as I was instructed and apologized for not having the fortitude to stick with things to the end and sent what was to be my final communication with my ex-girlfriend and her family off. I was discharged the next day and was very surprised to receive a phone call from my fresh out of her coma and perfectly fine now ex- girlfriend. Stunned, I told her that I loved her and that I couldn't do this anymore. She said that it was okay and that she was getting out of the hospital in a few weeks (after having been in a coma for nearly six months) and that she was going to go back to her ex-fiancé and marry him shortly after. She wanted to keep calling me but I told her that I really needed to move on with my life and that she should too. She reluctantly agreed and we went our separate ways. Four weeks later I received a text from her stating that she had called my ex-wife and that Stephanie had told her all manner of awful things about me and that she now knew what kind of person I really am. I tried slitting my wrists an hour later and thus began my first step to a new life inadvertently.

The rest is history now. I got the help I needed and I have since begun the process of making myself whole for the first time in my life. Over the last four months through the help of my therapist I have come to the conclusion that most or all of the story presented above was all one big lie. A lie designed to do one thing and one thing only, punish me for breaking up with her in the first place. In fact, it seems that a great deal of the last three years was all one big lie. I ask myself everyday, how I could have fallen for everything? She preyed upon my underlying belief that I was less than a person who is destined to walk his entire life alone and devoid of love. Though I know better now, I allowed myself to be controlled by someone who has far deeper problems than I can possibly imagine. I am not mad at my ex, I am hurt and at a loss for words but I'm not mad. Those who know and love me are a different story, they are irate to say the least and I appreciate that.

I'm finally starting to come to terms with what happened at the end of last year and the beginning of this year. It's certainly not been easy, the old me still wants to believe that I was the one at fault for walking out on a loved one in a time of need. That is the old me though. I needed to tell this story, certainly not for sympathy's sake but so that I can put one more step father away from the whole incident. I still have dreams about the whole thing and my conscience wants to tell me I was wrong but I have to remember and believe that I tried the best I could to do the right thing and that the whole mess was most likely made up in the first place. I have her to thank for all the progress I've made in the last six months, I never would have taken those first steps down the road to peace and happiness if someone hadn't driven me to the point of almost taking my life. For that reason, I will never be angry about the subject. After all, she needs far more help than I ever did and she's the one who has to live with herself at the end of the day. So for that reason, I dedicate Adele's song, "Turning Tables", to my ex-girlfriend.