Well here we are, X-mas is over and the long process known as Winter has come to Missoula, Montana. The holidays are always a time of struggle for me and this year is no different than previous years. Some weeks it seems so hard to keep a positive attitude, let alone get out of bed even. It's interesting that the things that help me the most are the first things that fall by the wayside. Things like walking the dogs, working out and hanging out at my favorite coffee shop are very important to my general mental health but I either haven't been able to do these things because of my work schedule, the holidays or just a lack of motivation. It really doesn't help that I was scheduled for six days in a row starting last Friday through the entire X-mas weekend and that I'm also scheduled to work all of the New Years weekend. This is the lab manager's way of getting back at me for what she thinks is a two month vacation when in actuality, it was two months spent in the hospital and then at a treatment center in Seattle while on medical leave. Couple with that the fact that my annual review and raise are over 4 months overdue and I have more than a little animosity towards things at work. As far as the whole sleep thing goes, I go through periods of time where I find my dream life far more interesting than my real life so I really don't have a lot of motivation to get out of bed. My Mother, who happens to very toxic for me, is the root of a great deal of my problems and who is an ultra hypochondriac, was recently diagnosed with lymphoma and I've had numerous relatives and friends of hers call me to inform and insinuate that I'm a terrible son for not keeping in touch with her or visiting her during her time of need. Contact with my Mother is very bad for me so I absolutely have to keep my distance from her. Her entire life is devoted to making people feel sorry for her and my sister's death and this whole lymphoma thing just amplifies everything to unbearable proportions for me. The type of lymphoma that she has has over a 90% cure rate so I am not concerned about her health at this point in time. What I am concerned about is being judged by people who have no idea what me and my sister suffered through growing up in my Mother's household. I have good reason for keeping my distance from Mom, she emotionally and physically abused us both growing up and about 17 years ago decided that the world should feel sorry for her and has been throwing a pity party ever since. Of course phone calls from her relatives and friends only reinforce the strong notions that I am a bad person and my newfound self esteem suffers greatly because of it. I hate waking up everyday feeling like I'm a bad person, it really sucks. Things in the dating department haven't been going well either, I've all but completely given up on the idea that I'm ever going to find someone who will put up with all the baggage that I'm carrying around, not to mention how weird my personality is. This is such a bad attitude but it's so hard not to feel this way. I was burned very badly this year and it's natural to feel like dating is impossible at this age for someone who is a huge nerd and doesn't really want anything to do with kids. All of the above has negative effects on my daily attitudes and it really shows at work. Working a six day stretch over a holiday is bad enough, working both holidays without a day off before or after is almost intolerable and my attitude at work as of late has been shitty as hell. I'm short with people on the phone, I'm easily irritated, and I constantly think about wanting to be at home. This also contributes to the whole "I'm a bad person" notion and taking everything above as a whole, it becomes this whole negative feedback loop that if left unabated, can easily lead to a situation similar to the one I found myself in a year ago.
So dear reader, did you get through that whole spiel of negativity and self loathing? There are a great deal of positive things going in my life right now and at times like these, it's very important that I recognize what's good in my life and focus on those things instead of all the crap that I listed above. I'm going back to the gym tonight after a week long absence and that always seems to help things nicely. I was fortunate enough to get a very nice pair of snowshoes from my Dad and Stepmother for X-mas and all that is needed before I can traipse around the local mountains is a fair amount of snow. The few good friends that I do have, are indeed very good friends and keep tabs on me and encourage me when needed. My Dad is here for the next few days and I coincidentally have the next two days off and I'm looking foreward to spending some time with him. I always have the dogs who are happy to see me every night when I come home from work and I will be hiking with them over the next few days so they will be very happy about that. All in all, things aren't as bad as I think they are, the key is that I know I'm in a slump and I need to keep things in perspective and actively try to bring myself out of things instead of sinking any lower. A negative thought pattern and a bad attitude only lead to more negativity, there are things in life that are negative that we cannot prevent from happening, the key is to recognize what's good and focus on those things instead.
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