People who have heard bits and pieces of the various stories of my life tell me I should write a book someday. It is very true that I have indeed lived a very strange life through my years with the last five years of my life being perhaps the strangest and most chaotic. Life experience is not something that is determined in the number of years you have lived. Every year I wonder if this is finally the year that I am grow up and act my age when in truth, I have seen and endured many experiences that has given me a view of life that far exceeds my 39 years of life. You just never know where life is going to take you next or how it is going to test your character and resolve.
Five years ago I was living what I thought was a normal life for someone who was 34. I had a career, a wife, a new car and fancy toys. I had no debt, plenty of friends and yet I was very unhappy and had no idea where I was going. Then we moved to Kauai and things really got turned upside down. Upside down really isn't and adequate term for what I experienced over the last four years of my life. I like to compare the experience to getting hit by a large wave, literally. I spent a lot of time in the surf on Kauai and I can tell you that have to keep your wits about at all times. Occasionally I would try to ride a wave that was either too big or I was late on my approach and I would end up what is termed as "going over the falls". This is when the wave reaches it's most vertical position and you end up falling down the face. This is quickly followed by the full weight of the wave crashing down on top of your head. When the wave is fifteen to twenty feet high, you just hang on for the ride and hope you don't die.You are slammed downward, often straight into the bottom (I did this head first once, into the coral reef no less), the shear force of the wave throws you about to the point that you have no idea which way is up. Eventually the wave passes and you are able to make it gasping to the surface.....and then the next wave in the set crashes on you and you go through the same experience again. This can happen in sequence as many as three to four times and there is nothing you can do but ride it out and pray it ends on your next trip to the surface. It's a very harrowing experience to say the least and you are in very real danger of being knocked out and drowning.
This is what was happenened to my life over the period of fours years. I would come up for air only long enough to take as deep a breathe as possible with the next wave towering over me. I really never knew which way was up and never knew when it was going to end. I had neighbors of which the stuff of nightmares are made of. I found myself with a hippy roommate in her late twenties who worked at a vegan juice where all they did was smoke weed all day. It wasn't her sexual preference that caused the problem for I embrace and respect diversity in it's many forms, it was the fact that she always brought home high school girls that caused the problems. I had serious financial problems, a very ugly divorce, too much strife at work, problems with intolerant locals in the the surf, and to top it all off, a very unstable girlfriend. Finally, I had to retreat back to the mainland during a mental breakdown in the hopes of some sort of return to normalcy.....which didn't happen. Naturally my financial problems followed me home, my ex-wife got married to a very close friend who was a groom's man in our wedding, my only sibling took her own life, I crashed my mountain bike so badly that I broke my right arm and three ribs and my relationship with my girlfriend continued to become more and more absurd. Take into account all the emotional baggage I am carrying from childhood and it's a miracle that I survived.
That's the point of this entry though, I am a survivor. Somehow I've found the strength to endure my troubles whether those be by unfortunate circumstances or through my own doing (of which there are plenty of examples). For the first time in many years, I have little drama in my life and am enjoying an extended period of rest of sorts and for this I am very thankful. People who I met at the treatment center (all of whom have the courage to face problems similar to mine everyday) were simply aghast at my story. One young woman in particular stated that I had "Seen it all". The thing is, I haven't seen it all, you never when the next wave is going to appear on the horizon to turn things upside down again. I am a survivor and that's something I need to take pride in, I won't give up no matter how bad things will get. That which does not kill us only makes us stronger and I firmly believe that statement. You only get ind shot at life and you need to make the most of what you have. We all have strengths and weeknesses, the key is to know your stregths and play to them. I've seen what happens when someone gives up against what seems to be insurmountable odds. Life became too much for my sister to the point where she felt the only release could have was to take her own life. I was there myself nine months ago, it sure as hell wasn't pretty. I had to make a choice, I could give in or I could find my inner strength and keep going. Having a good support group was instrumental in this decision. Where do I go from here? I honestly can't say that I know. What I do know is that I will survive, I will endure and I will triumph. Maybe I will write that book someday, my struggles have been both sad and humorous at the same time, perhaps I can use my tale to inspire someone else to keep fighting the good fight.
No comments:
Post a Comment