It's no secret that I love my dogs very much, they are my best friends and partners in this journey of discovery. JackJack has been with since he was a puppy and Carter joined our family just over two years ago. Living with terriers is a little bit different than living with your average, run of the mill Lab though. My dogs have personality and quirks in spades and sometimes they get into more trouble than their dad can handle. Carter is a very good dog if not a little dim for a terrier but he really doesn't hold a candle to Jack in the personality department.
Jack thinks the world is his and everyone is just living in it because he lets them. Jack is also a premier fighter of evil.....the problem is that his definition of evil is very broad. When we lived on the island we had neighbors ( perennially know as the "chaos neighbors") who had a 5 years old devil child named Damian (I'm seriously not making this up). This Damian child's favorite thing in the entire world was to torment Jack when he was hanging out outside and the lead I had for him. Jack would energetically attempt to rip his face off but the lead always kept him from becoming front page newspaper material. Damian thought his threats were funny (I'm not kidding, this kid really is the antichrist). On top of that, there was also an unruly, skateboarding teenager in the Chaos Neighbors household who loved to tease Jack with his skateboard whenever he had the chance. Thus in Jack's mind, all little boys and teenagers are evil and must be persecuted with extreme prejudice. If said little boys or teenagers happen to be riding or in the presence of a skateboard, they are a direct threat to world peace and must be torn limb from limb, pissed upon, boiled in acid, chewed up, and then ejected into space. I'm not kidding, Jack has a serious "Mad On" for little boys and teenagers. This of course, causes me no end of embarrassment when he decides someone is evil and is trying to let the whole world know of it. Other things that are considered evil are: the garbage truck, the pizza guy, the UPS guy, Harley Davidsons, any large truck, any dog caught in his "territory" out in front of our apartment and the vacuum cleaner. As you can guess, Jack spends a lot of time barking, barking at nothing.
Jack also thinks he runs the show in my household. He is so athletic that counter tops are as easy for him as they would be for your average cat. He's also ungodly smart with a mischievous streak a mile wide. I have to crate him and Carter whenever I leave the house, otherwise anything that's on the counters or my garbage cans are considered fair game. One day I left half of pizza in it's box on the counter top and stepped out to run a few quick errands. I came home to find a huge gaping hole in the center of the pizza box with the entire contents of the leftover pizza missing. He had stood on top of the pizza box and eaten his way through it to get at the pizza.
He's a really asshole when he wants to be too. He considers it to be his sacred duty to roll in any laundry that is fresh out of the dryer waiting to be hung up. He loves him some horse shit and will never pass up the chance to roll in a particularly fresh specimen when we are on the trail. He used to eat the crotch out of every pair of thongs my ex-wife had. He gets mad when I play too much X-box and pisses on it in the middle of the night. He's an alpha with a terrier attitude problem when it comes to other dogs too. He doesn't care at all for actually saying hi to another dog, he's just interested in smelling there ass and if said dog so much as breathes on his junk, it's on like Donkey Kong. Jack also has absolutely no patience for puppies either, as soon as one jumps on him it's ass whooping time times two. One wonderful day their was this couple up at blue mountain that said they were babysitting an Australian Shepard puppy that made the mistake of jumping on Jack. He knocked the thing on it's ass so fast and scared it so badly that it ran under the nearest car and wouldn't come out until Jack was out of sight. The couple coaxed the puppy out while we headed up the trail and I thought that would be the end of it. However, when we were getting back to the trailhead after our hike, the couple and said puppy just happened to be getting back from another trail at the same time. They were so scared of my 22 lb. dog that they picked up the puppy and ran for their vehicle in a frantic panic. I just looked at him and commented on the ruckus that he created, I was embarrassed to say the least, Jack was pleased with his handiwork.
Jack absolutely insists on sleeping under the covers and if I have a female guest over, he insists on sleeping in between us (not like that's happened in over a year and a half now). I can't eat dinner on the couch because I can't keep his nose out of my plate. I flick him on the nose every time but he just gets angry and wrinkles his nose at me. He absolutely refuses to let me sleep through the night and gets me up at least once to let him out, he says it's so he can relieve himself but I think he secretly does it just for an excuse to go outside and make sure nothing evil isn't going on.
For all the character and trouble that Jack causes, I wouldn't change him in any way if I could. In a lot of ways, he reflects a lot of my personality and I can't fault him for that. I didn't want just a dog, I wanted something with some personality and I got that and then some. Jack has been there in the happiest times of my life and he's been there for the worst too. He may be a huge jerk but he's my jerk and I can't imagine life without him.
Saturday, March 24, 2012
Tuesday, March 20, 2012
Stopping a downward spiral....
Despite my efforts and with a great deal of embarrassment and shame, I find myself peering up from inside a hole at this point in time. I always told myself that I wouldn't let this happen again but somehow here I am. Falling into a depressive state can be a very subtle thing for me and like this instance, I often am not aware it's happening until I'm a lot farther down than I should be.
How the hell did I get here? I knew that something like this was bound to happen again but I figured that it would be much farther in the future and that I would have recognized what was happening and would have been able to stop it. Things are nowhere near as bad as they were last year at this time (something I am very grateful for) but I definitely am very depressed. It was late last week that I realized that I have been regularly sleeping 12 hours a day, I'm only walking/hiking with the dogs twice a week, my journaling sessions have fallen to once a week and my visits to gym are becoming fewer and farther in between. These are not good patterns for me and when I lose these anchoring devices, bad things are on the horizon.
I hate this so much. Why can't I be normal like the majority of the population? Having PTSD and refractory depression is never easy and if it means that I have to be mindful of what is going on with Jon as much as possible but even that isn't enough at times. It doesn't help that work is in absolute turmoil right now and no one I work with can be trusted with the knowledge of what I struggle with everyday. Sometimes I wonder if living in Missoula is really worth all of the suffering at work. This begs the question, am I depressed because I can't deal with work or can I not deal with things at work because I'm depressed? It's the chicken or the egg question and unfortunately there is no easy answer. I feel very lucky to have a job at this point in time (though that may change in the near future, it's hard to tell right now) and I need to take some comfort in that at least.
Luckily for me I am trying to take active steps to get some kind of grip and crawl my way out the hole again. Today is the vernal equinox and that means that nicer days and mountain biking is just around the corner. I've vowed to limit myself to sleeping only 8 hours a night, walking the dogs daily again, journaling at least 3-4 times a week and spending as much time in the gym as possible in preparation for the upcoming mountain biking season.
As usual, I'm not looking for any sympathy and really hate sharing my sob story as it looks right now. The point that I am trying to make is that people with mental illness, like myself, often struggle with inner demons that a they may or may not have any control over everyday. The stigma of mental illness is far better than it was 20 years ago but many people just don't understand that it really is a disease and it's something that you can't just decide you are going to be over one morning after you wake up. It takes a great deal of courage to face things like depression and PTSD everyday, I don't want any special treatment or anything like that, I just want people to have a glimpse of what life can be like when with mental illness.
In the meantime, I will continue my battle and will strive to walk the correct path as opposed to the easy one. I know what I need to do, I know what I need to change and I know that I still need to grow. The important part is that no matter how hard it is, I have to stay as positive as possible and keep trying.
How the hell did I get here? I knew that something like this was bound to happen again but I figured that it would be much farther in the future and that I would have recognized what was happening and would have been able to stop it. Things are nowhere near as bad as they were last year at this time (something I am very grateful for) but I definitely am very depressed. It was late last week that I realized that I have been regularly sleeping 12 hours a day, I'm only walking/hiking with the dogs twice a week, my journaling sessions have fallen to once a week and my visits to gym are becoming fewer and farther in between. These are not good patterns for me and when I lose these anchoring devices, bad things are on the horizon.
I hate this so much. Why can't I be normal like the majority of the population? Having PTSD and refractory depression is never easy and if it means that I have to be mindful of what is going on with Jon as much as possible but even that isn't enough at times. It doesn't help that work is in absolute turmoil right now and no one I work with can be trusted with the knowledge of what I struggle with everyday. Sometimes I wonder if living in Missoula is really worth all of the suffering at work. This begs the question, am I depressed because I can't deal with work or can I not deal with things at work because I'm depressed? It's the chicken or the egg question and unfortunately there is no easy answer. I feel very lucky to have a job at this point in time (though that may change in the near future, it's hard to tell right now) and I need to take some comfort in that at least.
Luckily for me I am trying to take active steps to get some kind of grip and crawl my way out the hole again. Today is the vernal equinox and that means that nicer days and mountain biking is just around the corner. I've vowed to limit myself to sleeping only 8 hours a night, walking the dogs daily again, journaling at least 3-4 times a week and spending as much time in the gym as possible in preparation for the upcoming mountain biking season.
As usual, I'm not looking for any sympathy and really hate sharing my sob story as it looks right now. The point that I am trying to make is that people with mental illness, like myself, often struggle with inner demons that a they may or may not have any control over everyday. The stigma of mental illness is far better than it was 20 years ago but many people just don't understand that it really is a disease and it's something that you can't just decide you are going to be over one morning after you wake up. It takes a great deal of courage to face things like depression and PTSD everyday, I don't want any special treatment or anything like that, I just want people to have a glimpse of what life can be like when with mental illness.
In the meantime, I will continue my battle and will strive to walk the correct path as opposed to the easy one. I know what I need to do, I know what I need to change and I know that I still need to grow. The important part is that no matter how hard it is, I have to stay as positive as possible and keep trying.
Saturday, March 10, 2012
Learning to use the "F" word.
Sometimes you have to try things that may seem counterintuitive to the way you have consistently approached life. My time away at intensive outpatient treatment center taught me many things but the most difficult lesson that I had to learn was to let go of things and use what I consider to be the real "F" word..... I had to learn how to forgive.
Up until that point I had always lived my life by the motto, "Never forgive, never forget!". Growing up I always told myself that I would go away when I was older, make something of myself and then come back to heap the same level of hurt upon those who had hurt originally hurt. This was a very hard and sad way to live but it gave me the strength I needed to survive. Defiance became something that I took strength in knowing that someday I would have my revenge. I think this is probably one of the biggest differences between Carly and I that kept me from following the same road that eventually led to her taking her own life.
I survived my childhood, my teenage years and my college years.....carrying a great deal of hate and resentment with me. As time wore on the sheer weight of all the resentment I was carrying became too much to bear. People over time had suggested that I needed to learn to forgive those who had hurt me in the past. This only angered me though, if I were to forgive people it was too much like admitting that what was done to me was okay and that the perpetrators were getting off with no repercussions for their actions. I felt that to forgive was show weakness and that most certainly wasn't what I was about. Never forgive, never forget, never show weakness, bide your time and wait for the chance to get even.
That's really not what forgiveness is really about though. In order to move beyond one's problems, one has to learn to forgive and release all of the resentment that is being carried like excess baggage. It wasn't until about week four of the program I was in that I finally accepted this concept. Oddly enough, it was a Christian priest that finally convinced me it was time to try another path away from anger and resentment. He made me see that holding on to all those hurts was doing nothing but poisoning my soul and preventing me from healing. He helped me see that forgiving is not about saying that what happened to me was okay, he helped me to see that forgiving would release me from my pain and lead me to a much happier existence.
I finally came to the conclusion that the way I had been living my life wasn't working very well and that it was time to try a new approach. So I decided to give this forgiveness thing a whirl. It's not like things changed for me overnight though. It took a great deal of writing on my part to come to grips with things, I had to process how I really felt about things. I had to look really hard at myself and the events of my life that led to where I was sitting at that point in time. It wasn't easy but I finally let go of some really big issues. I forgave people that I swore I would never, ever forgive. I doubt I will ever tell most people that I have forgiven them but the important thing is that I did it. I didn't do it for them, I did it for me.
I let go of a lot of pain over the next few weeks and found a new strength that I didn't know I had. I'm not going to sit here and tell you that everything has been peachy keen since. I still struggle with forgiving certain individuals (most of these instances seem to center around people who walked out on me at the weakest moment of my life). I write in a journal several times a week and I publish this blog to remind me of the lessons I have learned, to give me strength and hopefully help others who may be like myself. Carrying resentment around only hurts you, not the people you are holding the resentment against. I am so grateful that I understand this concept now though I struggle with it at times. I guess forgiveness really isn't an "F" word to me anymore. Now I just need to focus on the "L" word (L for Love).
Up until that point I had always lived my life by the motto, "Never forgive, never forget!". Growing up I always told myself that I would go away when I was older, make something of myself and then come back to heap the same level of hurt upon those who had hurt originally hurt. This was a very hard and sad way to live but it gave me the strength I needed to survive. Defiance became something that I took strength in knowing that someday I would have my revenge. I think this is probably one of the biggest differences between Carly and I that kept me from following the same road that eventually led to her taking her own life.
I survived my childhood, my teenage years and my college years.....carrying a great deal of hate and resentment with me. As time wore on the sheer weight of all the resentment I was carrying became too much to bear. People over time had suggested that I needed to learn to forgive those who had hurt me in the past. This only angered me though, if I were to forgive people it was too much like admitting that what was done to me was okay and that the perpetrators were getting off with no repercussions for their actions. I felt that to forgive was show weakness and that most certainly wasn't what I was about. Never forgive, never forget, never show weakness, bide your time and wait for the chance to get even.
That's really not what forgiveness is really about though. In order to move beyond one's problems, one has to learn to forgive and release all of the resentment that is being carried like excess baggage. It wasn't until about week four of the program I was in that I finally accepted this concept. Oddly enough, it was a Christian priest that finally convinced me it was time to try another path away from anger and resentment. He made me see that holding on to all those hurts was doing nothing but poisoning my soul and preventing me from healing. He helped me see that forgiving is not about saying that what happened to me was okay, he helped me to see that forgiving would release me from my pain and lead me to a much happier existence.
I finally came to the conclusion that the way I had been living my life wasn't working very well and that it was time to try a new approach. So I decided to give this forgiveness thing a whirl. It's not like things changed for me overnight though. It took a great deal of writing on my part to come to grips with things, I had to process how I really felt about things. I had to look really hard at myself and the events of my life that led to where I was sitting at that point in time. It wasn't easy but I finally let go of some really big issues. I forgave people that I swore I would never, ever forgive. I doubt I will ever tell most people that I have forgiven them but the important thing is that I did it. I didn't do it for them, I did it for me.
I let go of a lot of pain over the next few weeks and found a new strength that I didn't know I had. I'm not going to sit here and tell you that everything has been peachy keen since. I still struggle with forgiving certain individuals (most of these instances seem to center around people who walked out on me at the weakest moment of my life). I write in a journal several times a week and I publish this blog to remind me of the lessons I have learned, to give me strength and hopefully help others who may be like myself. Carrying resentment around only hurts you, not the people you are holding the resentment against. I am so grateful that I understand this concept now though I struggle with it at times. I guess forgiveness really isn't an "F" word to me anymore. Now I just need to focus on the "L" word (L for Love).
Sunday, February 26, 2012
Observation versus Interaction
I am an extremely analytical person and these attitudes are very pervasive in my daily life. The problem is that this makes me a little bit of a loner because I spend far more time observing people as opposed to interacting them with them. This is fundamental problem that I spend a great deal of time trying to overcome. The problem stems from the fact that I am so observant and analytical that it leads to a certain amount of detachment from everything. Life is supposed to be experienced, not just watched.
I sit here in my coffee shop writing in my journal and posting on this blog.... all the while watching people walk by, coming to and fro and generally going about all their business. I love watching people but I find that I have a lot of anxiety when it comes to actually interacting with them. I live a pretty quiet life, that's not to say that I don't have things that I do, I just don't spend a lot of time with people outside of work. I have come to the conclusion that through my experiences over the last 5 years that I have forgotten how to make friends. I've been through quite a bit in these years and I carry a lot of shame over many things (there is a large difference between shame and guilt). I am generally so ashamed of myself that I automatically feel that most people that I meet on a daily basis wouldn't be interested in forming any kind of friendship with me. This is a very self defeating attitude that requires a lot of effort and self awarenss to overcome. I spend a lot of time trying to get past the shame that I carry and it's definitely an ongoing process. How do you make friends when you are so embarrassed of yourself and the state of your life at this point in time? Anxiety is a very powerful adversary and often means that I take the path of least resistance as opposed to facing things that cause my anxiety.
Shame is only half of the equation though. I've been hurt by people who were supposed to be friends and loved ones through the entirety of my life, so much so that I have learned that observation carries far less risk in rejection than interaction. So I watch people. I watch people and wonder how they met each other and what things they have in common to form the basis of a friendship. I used to have quite a few friends when I was married but the move to Hawaii and the less than amicable divorce (my ex-wife remarriend one of my groomsmen) combined to decimate quite a few friendships that I had with people. The fact that I fell into a spiral of depression really helped intensify feelings of isolation and lonelines. On a positive note, the friends that were left standing have proven to be some of the best friendships I've encountered in my lifetime.
Forming new friendships is absolutely essential to my well being but I have absolutely no idea where I'm supposed to start. I'm 39 now and most people my age are married and have families that keep them busy, I'm not going to find very many people my age that are going to have a lot time to devote to hanging out with me. Another problem is that I work evenings all the time so I'm not off when the vast majority of the population who work 9-5 have free time. Work itself poses it's on set of difficulties that don't reinforce a sense of worth or belonging within me. I work in a very dysfunctional environment where there is no loyalty or a sense of common ground with the exception of our shared misery (don't get me wrong, I feel very fortunate to have a job that lets me live in Missoula). So I sit here and journal 4-5 days a week and the same question/problem keeps repeating itself, how the hell do I meet people and form some friendships? I understand that this is absolutely necessary but I'm scared absolutely shitless of it. Beneath all my defenses and insecurities lies a very sensitive soul that really doesn't want to get hurt anymore.
I live in a liberal college town and I should be able to meet people just about anywhere but my nature is to do nothing but observe and draw as little attention to myself as possible. I hate being lonely yet it's exactly what I am comfortable with. It takes effort to produce growth and anything worth doing is rarely easy. I have to find positive ways to come out of my shell with people and believe that I have things to offer in friendship. I know that this is a process and that it takes time so I must be patient while putting myself out there. Hopefully things will develop over time with some self confidence and a little bit of luck.
I've come a long way in the last 9 months but that doesn't mean that I'm not faced with challenges and oppurtunities for growth. Maintaining a positive attitude and a certain level of patience is absolutely essential. I'm very grateful for the people who are in my life and hope they know this. I just need to find more ways to connect with people so I feel a greater sense of belonging.
I sit here in my coffee shop writing in my journal and posting on this blog.... all the while watching people walk by, coming to and fro and generally going about all their business. I love watching people but I find that I have a lot of anxiety when it comes to actually interacting with them. I live a pretty quiet life, that's not to say that I don't have things that I do, I just don't spend a lot of time with people outside of work. I have come to the conclusion that through my experiences over the last 5 years that I have forgotten how to make friends. I've been through quite a bit in these years and I carry a lot of shame over many things (there is a large difference between shame and guilt). I am generally so ashamed of myself that I automatically feel that most people that I meet on a daily basis wouldn't be interested in forming any kind of friendship with me. This is a very self defeating attitude that requires a lot of effort and self awarenss to overcome. I spend a lot of time trying to get past the shame that I carry and it's definitely an ongoing process. How do you make friends when you are so embarrassed of yourself and the state of your life at this point in time? Anxiety is a very powerful adversary and often means that I take the path of least resistance as opposed to facing things that cause my anxiety.
Shame is only half of the equation though. I've been hurt by people who were supposed to be friends and loved ones through the entirety of my life, so much so that I have learned that observation carries far less risk in rejection than interaction. So I watch people. I watch people and wonder how they met each other and what things they have in common to form the basis of a friendship. I used to have quite a few friends when I was married but the move to Hawaii and the less than amicable divorce (my ex-wife remarriend one of my groomsmen) combined to decimate quite a few friendships that I had with people. The fact that I fell into a spiral of depression really helped intensify feelings of isolation and lonelines. On a positive note, the friends that were left standing have proven to be some of the best friendships I've encountered in my lifetime.
Forming new friendships is absolutely essential to my well being but I have absolutely no idea where I'm supposed to start. I'm 39 now and most people my age are married and have families that keep them busy, I'm not going to find very many people my age that are going to have a lot time to devote to hanging out with me. Another problem is that I work evenings all the time so I'm not off when the vast majority of the population who work 9-5 have free time. Work itself poses it's on set of difficulties that don't reinforce a sense of worth or belonging within me. I work in a very dysfunctional environment where there is no loyalty or a sense of common ground with the exception of our shared misery (don't get me wrong, I feel very fortunate to have a job that lets me live in Missoula). So I sit here and journal 4-5 days a week and the same question/problem keeps repeating itself, how the hell do I meet people and form some friendships? I understand that this is absolutely necessary but I'm scared absolutely shitless of it. Beneath all my defenses and insecurities lies a very sensitive soul that really doesn't want to get hurt anymore.
I live in a liberal college town and I should be able to meet people just about anywhere but my nature is to do nothing but observe and draw as little attention to myself as possible. I hate being lonely yet it's exactly what I am comfortable with. It takes effort to produce growth and anything worth doing is rarely easy. I have to find positive ways to come out of my shell with people and believe that I have things to offer in friendship. I know that this is a process and that it takes time so I must be patient while putting myself out there. Hopefully things will develop over time with some self confidence and a little bit of luck.
I've come a long way in the last 9 months but that doesn't mean that I'm not faced with challenges and oppurtunities for growth. Maintaining a positive attitude and a certain level of patience is absolutely essential. I'm very grateful for the people who are in my life and hope they know this. I just need to find more ways to connect with people so I feel a greater sense of belonging.
Wednesday, February 15, 2012
Internet dating 'effing blows!
Okay, I'm 39 and single. I've almost come to grips with that.....almost. One of the greatest challenges in my life at this point is finding people to hang out with and (gasp) pursuing romantic interests. My lifestyle really doesn't lend well to either of these pursuits and it is a source of constant anguish for me. The term "Normal" is rarely used to describe me (unless you mean normally insane) and this can create some barriers in meeting and forming relationships with people. I work until 10:30 at night in a windowless room populated with people that make the term "Anal Retentive" seem as loose as a breeze puffing through the Grand Canyon. This means that when most normal people are off of work going about the usual activties of life, I'm at work trying to find ways to deal with the multitudes of leaky urine specimens that find their way onto my counter (I plan on dedicating a whole post to that endeavor someday).
I have no social life, there is no way of sugar coating it. No social life usually means spending your Saturday evenings in a coffee shop writing a blog on how much internet dating sucks as opposed to going out with people you know to have fun. No social life means that I have to resort to extreme measures in finding members of the opposite sex who may or may not be interested in a long term partnership with a crazy guy. Extreme measures means Match.com in my case.
Internet dating is supposed to be far less taboo than it was just 5 years ago but I don't think that means that it's any more dignifying. Here's how it works: You start off by creating a propaganda filled synopsis of who you are and what you are looking for. This is a very important step, you want to list all of your top qualities (I'm still trying to figure out what mine are to this day) and find ways to embelish them enough to make yourself seem desirable without going too far overboard. Next you have to come up with some sort of tag line that sits at the top of for profile next to your picture (more on this later). This is usually some creative, witty statement that sums you up in just one sentence. That's great and everything but anyone who knows me knows that I can't sum anything up ten paragraphs as opposed to just one sentence. It took me forever but I decided to run with "Life is journey and not a destination". Pretty good, huh? At least I think so, if life were a destination, I would have discovered the destination to be the local Wal Mart parking lot and that I'm about 24th in line to park my Winnabago there.
Okay, so I have my somewhat edited and inflated profile (hey look at me, I'm normal I lived in Hawaii for two years, I'm cool and hip, I have an iPad....etc), my cheery/cheesy yet deep tag line, tons of pictures of me and the dogs doing our thing and I haven't had much more than a nibble in over 6 months now. You can send people "Winks" or emails but every time I send one off I can just hear the recipient saying "Who the fuck is this guy?" to themselves. My possibilities are so bleak that I've started wondering if life as a gay man would be more productive (kidding of course). I was conversing with a woman from Hamilton over the last 2 weeks and then all of a sudden I can't access her profile any longer, I guess I must either have leprosy or my profile screams Chester the molester. The other problem is that Missoula definitely has a very finite number of single women in their mid to late thirties. Couple that with my preference for one without children (something that I am currently reconsidering) and the odds of finding one without baggage (I certainly don't need that, especially after the last girlfriend) becomes very slim indeed.
Match.com? Whatever, more like Awkwardanddesperate.com. I think I'll cut my losses and try my luck (or lack thereof) out in the the real world. Hopefully my crazy woman magnet personality has toned itself down and my crazy woman detector is working better than it has in the past.
I'm going to be 40 in just over six months and as I'm sure is apparent, I'm in a bit of a panic. The older I get, the more bleak the sex life becomes and the more my midsection seems to expand. Oh well, I'm pretty sure that the dogs still love me, as long as their is food in their bowl and they get their daily puppy treats.
I have no social life, there is no way of sugar coating it. No social life usually means spending your Saturday evenings in a coffee shop writing a blog on how much internet dating sucks as opposed to going out with people you know to have fun. No social life means that I have to resort to extreme measures in finding members of the opposite sex who may or may not be interested in a long term partnership with a crazy guy. Extreme measures means Match.com in my case.
Internet dating is supposed to be far less taboo than it was just 5 years ago but I don't think that means that it's any more dignifying. Here's how it works: You start off by creating a propaganda filled synopsis of who you are and what you are looking for. This is a very important step, you want to list all of your top qualities (I'm still trying to figure out what mine are to this day) and find ways to embelish them enough to make yourself seem desirable without going too far overboard. Next you have to come up with some sort of tag line that sits at the top of for profile next to your picture (more on this later). This is usually some creative, witty statement that sums you up in just one sentence. That's great and everything but anyone who knows me knows that I can't sum anything up ten paragraphs as opposed to just one sentence. It took me forever but I decided to run with "Life is journey and not a destination". Pretty good, huh? At least I think so, if life were a destination, I would have discovered the destination to be the local Wal Mart parking lot and that I'm about 24th in line to park my Winnabago there.
Okay, so I have my somewhat edited and inflated profile (hey look at me, I'm normal I lived in Hawaii for two years, I'm cool and hip, I have an iPad....etc), my cheery/cheesy yet deep tag line, tons of pictures of me and the dogs doing our thing and I haven't had much more than a nibble in over 6 months now. You can send people "Winks" or emails but every time I send one off I can just hear the recipient saying "Who the fuck is this guy?" to themselves. My possibilities are so bleak that I've started wondering if life as a gay man would be more productive (kidding of course). I was conversing with a woman from Hamilton over the last 2 weeks and then all of a sudden I can't access her profile any longer, I guess I must either have leprosy or my profile screams Chester the molester. The other problem is that Missoula definitely has a very finite number of single women in their mid to late thirties. Couple that with my preference for one without children (something that I am currently reconsidering) and the odds of finding one without baggage (I certainly don't need that, especially after the last girlfriend) becomes very slim indeed.
Match.com? Whatever, more like Awkwardanddesperate.com. I think I'll cut my losses and try my luck (or lack thereof) out in the the real world. Hopefully my crazy woman magnet personality has toned itself down and my crazy woman detector is working better than it has in the past.
I'm going to be 40 in just over six months and as I'm sure is apparent, I'm in a bit of a panic. The older I get, the more bleak the sex life becomes and the more my midsection seems to expand. Oh well, I'm pretty sure that the dogs still love me, as long as their is food in their bowl and they get their daily puppy treats.
Wednesday, February 1, 2012
Since when are secularism and science considered un-American?
Just as a warning, if you are very socially conservative or deeply religious, this post is probably going to offend you.
As time goes on it continues to frighten me how certain elements of the United States populace insist that religion has to be part of our governing politics and how science is often treated with scorn. It should be noted that I am very much an agnostic/freethinking individual who highly values the choice to form my own opinions over having my morals dictated to me by a 2000 year old text conflicting idealism. I also have 2 degrees in science and believe very heavily in the scientific method. This attitude seems to be the antithesis of a great deal of the Republican party and Christian conservatives these days and a negative connotaion toward secularism appears to be gaining in strength. Since when does agnosticism and/or atheism mean the you are un-American and worthy of scorn? What kind of dogma is this and why are we allowing this sort of attitude into our government? This nation was originally was founded upon the ideal of a separation of Church and State but religious conservatives seem to completely ignore this fact. Religion has absolutely no place or business in American government and politics whatsoever. Making Christian dogma a part of our governing politics is a step toward a theocratic dictatorship similar to the likes found in the Taliban in Afghanistan I realize that the majority of the United States public consider themselves to be Christians but that does not mean that we should have prayer in schools, intelligent design should be taught as opposed to evoltion and other ludicrous proposals that the Christian Right is pushing these days.
Now I will admit that I have a general negative attitude towards any form of organized religion. I don't need religious scripture or teachings to tell me what is right or wrong. I am a scientist at heart and believe that decisions should be made upon facts that can be illuminated using the scientific method. I am a "Freethinker" who refuses to let societal pressures cause me to make decisions or form opinions based upon what other people feel or think. I know how to think for myself and that is something that I hold most sacred. I don't believe in a God but that does not mean that I don't think there is a higher power out there in the universe. I believe without a doubt that there are extraterrestrial intelligences out there in the vast, unfathomable, unknowable regions of space and that there most certainly are species that a far more advanced than we are. The ideas that we are created in God's own image, that the eart and it's flora and fauna are our's to do as we see fit, and those who do not believe in the Christian God and accept Jesus as their savior are going to Hell frankly offend me and make me sad to think that people can be so narrowminded.
That's me though, these ideals aren't something that I arrived at overnight, the important thing is that I don't push my ideals on other people like certain individuals do. I've been told point blank that I have no soul, will never know peace and that I'm going to hell because I haven't accepted Jesus Christ as my savior. I had a wife who thought she could "fix" me just like some Christian institutions believe that they can "cure" people who are gay. I'm not saying that all people who subscribe to Christianity or other religions are like this but I am saying there are far too many that are and they are the people who are pushing for more religion in government. Fox News pundits cater to this crowd and are often quick to discount scientific fact and imply that "Godless Heathens" are un-American and are trying to undermine everything this nation stands for. Who listens to this drivel anyway? There are too many people do, they have a political agenda and the Republican party is in bed with them. These are the kinds of people who I see standing on the corner in front of our local clinic that performs abortions with signs that say "Abortion causes breast cancer" (I am not making this up, I've seen it with my own eyes and could barely contain the outcry this created within me). There is no arguing or reasoning with this type of person since they are clearly capable or distorint any fact to further agenda. These people are those who would have us adhere to a Puritanical code of idealism and want nothing more to stamp out free thought across the nation.
I'm willing to admit that I don't have the answers to life's mysteries and am perfectly fine with that. I will never push my beliefs on another human being because everyone deserves to make up their own mind about things. I realize that not all Christians are like the extreme examples I listed above. There is a growing philosophy that spiritualism and being religious are two different things entirely. I openly welcome this attitude and hope that it continues to gain momentum in the American public. I'm not asking people to abandon their faith or discount the many positive things the Christain faith teaches. What I am asking for is secularism, keep religion and government seperate. Don't curse secularists as un-American when in truth, secularists are defending one of the key principles this nation was founded upon. You are entitled to your beliefs and I am entitled to mine, just keep religion out of our government.
As time goes on it continues to frighten me how certain elements of the United States populace insist that religion has to be part of our governing politics and how science is often treated with scorn. It should be noted that I am very much an agnostic/freethinking individual who highly values the choice to form my own opinions over having my morals dictated to me by a 2000 year old text conflicting idealism. I also have 2 degrees in science and believe very heavily in the scientific method. This attitude seems to be the antithesis of a great deal of the Republican party and Christian conservatives these days and a negative connotaion toward secularism appears to be gaining in strength. Since when does agnosticism and/or atheism mean the you are un-American and worthy of scorn? What kind of dogma is this and why are we allowing this sort of attitude into our government? This nation was originally was founded upon the ideal of a separation of Church and State but religious conservatives seem to completely ignore this fact. Religion has absolutely no place or business in American government and politics whatsoever. Making Christian dogma a part of our governing politics is a step toward a theocratic dictatorship similar to the likes found in the Taliban in Afghanistan I realize that the majority of the United States public consider themselves to be Christians but that does not mean that we should have prayer in schools, intelligent design should be taught as opposed to evoltion and other ludicrous proposals that the Christian Right is pushing these days.
Now I will admit that I have a general negative attitude towards any form of organized religion. I don't need religious scripture or teachings to tell me what is right or wrong. I am a scientist at heart and believe that decisions should be made upon facts that can be illuminated using the scientific method. I am a "Freethinker" who refuses to let societal pressures cause me to make decisions or form opinions based upon what other people feel or think. I know how to think for myself and that is something that I hold most sacred. I don't believe in a God but that does not mean that I don't think there is a higher power out there in the universe. I believe without a doubt that there are extraterrestrial intelligences out there in the vast, unfathomable, unknowable regions of space and that there most certainly are species that a far more advanced than we are. The ideas that we are created in God's own image, that the eart and it's flora and fauna are our's to do as we see fit, and those who do not believe in the Christian God and accept Jesus as their savior are going to Hell frankly offend me and make me sad to think that people can be so narrowminded.
That's me though, these ideals aren't something that I arrived at overnight, the important thing is that I don't push my ideals on other people like certain individuals do. I've been told point blank that I have no soul, will never know peace and that I'm going to hell because I haven't accepted Jesus Christ as my savior. I had a wife who thought she could "fix" me just like some Christian institutions believe that they can "cure" people who are gay. I'm not saying that all people who subscribe to Christianity or other religions are like this but I am saying there are far too many that are and they are the people who are pushing for more religion in government. Fox News pundits cater to this crowd and are often quick to discount scientific fact and imply that "Godless Heathens" are un-American and are trying to undermine everything this nation stands for. Who listens to this drivel anyway? There are too many people do, they have a political agenda and the Republican party is in bed with them. These are the kinds of people who I see standing on the corner in front of our local clinic that performs abortions with signs that say "Abortion causes breast cancer" (I am not making this up, I've seen it with my own eyes and could barely contain the outcry this created within me). There is no arguing or reasoning with this type of person since they are clearly capable or distorint any fact to further agenda. These people are those who would have us adhere to a Puritanical code of idealism and want nothing more to stamp out free thought across the nation.
I'm willing to admit that I don't have the answers to life's mysteries and am perfectly fine with that. I will never push my beliefs on another human being because everyone deserves to make up their own mind about things. I realize that not all Christians are like the extreme examples I listed above. There is a growing philosophy that spiritualism and being religious are two different things entirely. I openly welcome this attitude and hope that it continues to gain momentum in the American public. I'm not asking people to abandon their faith or discount the many positive things the Christain faith teaches. What I am asking for is secularism, keep religion and government seperate. Don't curse secularists as un-American when in truth, secularists are defending one of the key principles this nation was founded upon. You are entitled to your beliefs and I am entitled to mine, just keep religion out of our government.
Saturday, January 28, 2012
How much dude is too much?
I use the word dude a lot. Dude is one of those words that can mean absolutely anything in my vocabulary. I use dude in so many ways that it often frightens me. I use the term to express gratitude, disappointment, frustration, anger, happiness, exasperation. It is both a noun, an adjective and an adverb but I have yet been able to find a way to use it as a verb. How the hell did the word dude become such a staple in my life? Recent history would point to my time spent on Kauai as a surf bum eternally looking for the ultimate wave but I suspect my infatuation with the term goes far beyond that. I find myself using it a work at most where I try to use it as a replacement for more colorful language though I find limited success in that endeavor. Do you suppose that my coworkers and friends notice how often I say dude? Do you suppose that they think I'm weird (I most certainly am)? I like to think of myself as an articulate human being yet I spend so much time employing the term dude that it would seem that I am the exact opposite of dude. DUUUDDDE! Or is it DOOOOOOD?
I may spend an inordinant amount of time saying dude but it falls well short of two other words that I speak far more frequenlty. Those words would be the names of my two terrierists. Terriers make excellent vanquishers of all things evil and nefarious. This is especially true of Jack. Jack thinks that anything that makes noise or walks by the apartment that doesn't have to do with me or himself is evil and must therefore must be fought and vanquished. Jack is a premier evil fighter and also has a Phd in making mischief. As a result, I spend a great deal of time uttering his name in the futile struggle to get him to shutup or quit poking his nose into things that he shouldn't. I have so many inflections for uttering his name and each one literally conveys entire conversations worth of information. Jack hears his name so much that I'm not even sure he knows how it even pertains to him. Carter is a different story thoug. Carter lives for about three things, his ball, his dog food and licking his Dad. When I let Jack and Carter out of their crate after a long day of work Jack jumps all over me while Carter goes straight for his ball followed by making sure that the dog dish has plenty of food in it. It's almost like I don't exist other than to facilitate a neverending game of fetch the ball. It's ball time when I'm eating, sleeping, taking a shower, taking a crap, getting ready for work, enjoying quiet time.....etc. The only times when it isn't ball time is when it's food time or lick Dad time. Carter isn't happy unless he gets a solid hour of licking Dad's face and ears each day. He is absoluletly relentless in this endeavor and it drives me absolutely crazy. Whereas I call Jack's name in all sorts of manners and inflections, Carter's name is always used in exasperation. Am I neurotic dog owner or am I just the father of two very eccentric terrierist? Both I suspect.
So there you have it, my vocabulary is dominated by the words dude, Jack and Carter. Just another entry into the whole eccentric versus crazy arguement that I'm sure scholars around the world debate about me everyday........dude.
I may spend an inordinant amount of time saying dude but it falls well short of two other words that I speak far more frequenlty. Those words would be the names of my two terrierists. Terriers make excellent vanquishers of all things evil and nefarious. This is especially true of Jack. Jack thinks that anything that makes noise or walks by the apartment that doesn't have to do with me or himself is evil and must therefore must be fought and vanquished. Jack is a premier evil fighter and also has a Phd in making mischief. As a result, I spend a great deal of time uttering his name in the futile struggle to get him to shutup or quit poking his nose into things that he shouldn't. I have so many inflections for uttering his name and each one literally conveys entire conversations worth of information. Jack hears his name so much that I'm not even sure he knows how it even pertains to him. Carter is a different story thoug. Carter lives for about three things, his ball, his dog food and licking his Dad. When I let Jack and Carter out of their crate after a long day of work Jack jumps all over me while Carter goes straight for his ball followed by making sure that the dog dish has plenty of food in it. It's almost like I don't exist other than to facilitate a neverending game of fetch the ball. It's ball time when I'm eating, sleeping, taking a shower, taking a crap, getting ready for work, enjoying quiet time.....etc. The only times when it isn't ball time is when it's food time or lick Dad time. Carter isn't happy unless he gets a solid hour of licking Dad's face and ears each day. He is absoluletly relentless in this endeavor and it drives me absolutely crazy. Whereas I call Jack's name in all sorts of manners and inflections, Carter's name is always used in exasperation. Am I neurotic dog owner or am I just the father of two very eccentric terrierist? Both I suspect.
So there you have it, my vocabulary is dominated by the words dude, Jack and Carter. Just another entry into the whole eccentric versus crazy arguement that I'm sure scholars around the world debate about me everyday........dude.
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