After much soul searching, I have decided to take a break from going to the Dave Matthews Band's three day concert at the Gorge this year. Those who know me well know that I pretty much eat and sleep DMB and DMB at the Gorge is the biggest event of the year for me. This isn't a decision that I make lightly but in light of my experiences there over the last two years, it's time for my first break since I lived on Kauai.
You see, two years ago I bumped into my ex-girlfriend there on the first day (the one who pretended she was in a coma for 6 months). This completely ruined the experience for me and I turned around and left for home after the first day. I was pretty badly rattled by the experience and just wanted to be home with the dogs. Someone who is capable of torturing someone for six months pretending to be in a coma could be capable of anything and since she had gone to the Gorge with me the prior two years, she knows exactly where I stay. Part of me believes that seeing her there was no coincidence. I had a good time the day I did stay but was very happy to be home and in a safe place for me after.
Last year I changed things up and went with some friends that I met within the last year. They stay at the Gorge campground proper each year and meet up with all kinds of friends from all over the country. I had heard things about staying at the campground at the Gorge and how it was nothing but a three day party but decided to find out for myself what the experience was really about. It turns out that the rumors that I had heard were true, it indeed a three day party. I pretty much left drinking behind back in the Summer of 2011 due to the negative effects that it has on my well being. I make an exception for DMB at the Gorge but was not prepared for the level of partying that was present though. I guess I'm just over that sort of thing now though I certainly don't judge anyone who does really party it up there. For a lot of people it's a chance to be away from their kids and the normal worries of every day life and try to recapture some of the care free experiences of yesteryear. I wholeheartedly think that's a good thing, it just isn't me anymore. I tried drinking on the first night and just didn't feel right about it so I took the next day off and felt out of place because I wasn't participating in things. What happened the next day was definitely a step in the wrong direction.
You see, I have a lot of social anxiety and don't do well in groups of people that I don't know. It's not that I didn't meet nice people, everyone that I met was really nice and were all huge DMB fans, like me. I was absolutely terrified though and just didn't feel like I fit in. Hoping to ease my anxiety some, I took some valium that had been subscribed to me in the past for such situations. This would have been just fine had I not decided to drink that day. Valium is a benzodiazepine and benzos do not mix with alcohol, it has a multiplexing effect similar to rohypnol (the date rape drug, which also happens to be a benzodiazepine). In essence, I had roofied myself. I woke up eight hours later (20 minutes before the concert started) in my tent, in a different shirt with absolutely no recollection of how I got there. Long story short, I passed out. Thankfully my friend (big thanks, your know who you are) dragged me to my tent to sleep things off. Naturally I was very embarrassed and ashamed of my stupidity. I had no idea what I had done or said prior to passing out and in my case that means I was not in any sort of control of my emotions. It was a bad, bad thing for me to do and I'm still beating myself up over it. I decided to buck up and spend the rest of the weekend chemical free but my social anxiety kept me from enjoying the experience at all. Like I said, I met a lot of very nice people, I just couldn't mix at all.
Needless to say, I went home dejected after the whole experience. If I couldn't form connections with people that love DMB as much as I do, how am I going to be able to form friendships at all? DMB at the Gorge is supposed to be an experience of belonging for me, not one of isolation, shame and embarrassment. This experience demoralized me so much that I became suicidal and ended up in the hospital for a short stay. I still have anxiety over the whole thing to this day. I can't believe I was so fucking stupid and was seriously questioning whether I would ever find a group of people where I felt like I belonged.
That's why it's time for a break, two years worth of heartbreak is just too much. I could go alone and stay where I usually camp but like I said, my ex-girlfriend knows exactly where to find me and capable of just about anything. Going alone also provokes it's own set of anxieties and insecurities, going alone is just out of the question. It really is time for a break.
There are other reasons not to go. For tickets and camping the price tag is close to $400.00 and I usually pay for this with my income tax return. My mountain bike is ten years old now and I would much rather put that money towards the purchase of a new one in hopes that it will inspire me to hit the trails with the dogs in ernest this year. The long term effects of this far outweigh a weekend at a concert, even if it is DMB.
I feel pretty good about my decision as whole right now though there is a certain level of sadness, which is to be expected. This really is a good decision for me right now. I still love DMB as much as ever and feel the new album is the best work they've done in close to 15 years. It's not like I can't go again next year, maybe with a close friend or female companion? I do plan catching the band this summer in Detroit which gives me a chance to spend time with my father and his wife. I'm sure that will just as fun for me even though the band is best experienced at the Gorge.
Most people are going to say, meh, what's the big deal? It's a pretty big deal for me, DMB is a huge deal for me. I connect with their music in ways that I cannot even begin to describe here. I think I'll just leave it at that. On a positive note, this is the last self-centric post that I'm going to write for a while. I think it's time for a little tongue in cheek humor for at least the next few posts!
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