I've spent some time as of late analyzing my attitude towards life and what attitude I wish to have for it. Anyone who knows me would categorize me as a very cynical pessimist. I wholeheartedly agree with the cynicism part but I would argue with the pessimism part. Depressive Realism is a concept that states that depressed people actually have a more accurate perception of reality than normal, mentally healthy people do. I find this concept to be very interesting and find that I subscribe to many of ideas put forth in it's definition.
I've always believed in the idea that I see the world more clearly than most the rest of the world does. This, of course, is based on my perception of the world and that's where the idea that I'm a
depressive realist comes into question. Complex PTSD is in it's infancy as far as it's description, diagnosis and prognosis with treatment goes. According to Wikipedia, sufferers of CPTSD often have alterations in self perception, including "a sense of complete difference from others (may also include a sense of specialness, utter aloneness, belief no other person can understand, or nonhuman identity)" This statement pretty much sums up exactly how I've felt most of my life, especially the belief that no other person can understand me. The Wikipedia entry also talks about alterations in systems of meaning, specifically, "a sense of hopelessness and despair". This also applies directly to me and my attitude toward, life, interpersonal relationships and the human race in general.
Talking about perception and reality and the effects that they have on each other is a very slippery slope that I'm not going to delve too heavily into right now. The idea that my mental illness shapes my perception of reality is something that I struggle with constantly. I really want to believe that the concept of depressive realism is very plausible but as we've seen above, certain tenets of the description of CPTSD are in direct opposition the this idea. One of the therapists that I saw when I was away at an intensive outpatient program made this analogy as to how my mental illness shapes the way that I view the world.
The story goes that a couple went to visit the Tuscany coast in Italy for a vacation. Upon arrival they found everything to be as beautiful as they expected. As they explored various walking paths and hiking trails, they observed dog poop wherever they went. Mortified by this, they took a picture of said dog poop when they first encountered it on the side of the trail. Instead of moving on and taking notice of how beautiful the scenery was, they became obsessed with how inconsiderate they thought people were by not picking up their dog's waste in such wonderful place. So on they went through their entire trip, taking pictures and focusing on dog poop whenever they found it until it was time to go home. Once they got home, they showed their pictures. Naturally the first picture they showed was of dog poop and the couple and their friends had a good laugh about it. The next picture was, of course, of dog poop again. The couple's friends laugh again, though not as enthusiastically as before. Once they got to the third picture and subsequent pictures of dog poop, it becomes clear that the couple's sole attention was on the negativity of finding dog poop everywhere instead of just accepting it for what it is and enjoying the rest of their trip.
The therapist who told me this story told me that my illness makes it so that I only see dog poop wherever I go and miss out on all of the good things that are present in the world. At the time, this made a lot of sense to me and I started to think about the idea that my mind presents the world behind a filtering lens in the shade of dog poop. In other words, I see only the negative and therefore, obsess over it to the point that I can see nothing else. This begs the question, can I see anything in the world objectively or is my perception of reality really that skewed? My current idea as to how answer this question? Yes and no.
Being an outsider all of my life helped me develop one positive characteristic, I am extremely observant and try to look at things scientifically and develop a working theory of how things work, interact and what kind of outcomes/consequences/results can occur in situation. I seek to understand everything that I see, I want to know exactly how the world works, how people interact and what motivates them in life. This is the clinical side of my personality that I described a few post ago. Because my mind is so analytical, it makes me very well suited to science and most certainly had a lot to do with my choice in careers. I am constantly watching and observing things, be it my dogs, people walking past my coffee shop, people I work with, the world....etc. As a result, I have a working theory that the human race is ruining the planet we live on and that we will be the cause of our own undoing. I also see what it is that we are capable of as a species. We have this wonderful gift of conscious thought and we spend it in the pursuit of wealth, vanity and self servitude. The things that we are capable of accomplishing are so astounding but we are weighed down and ultimately underachieve spectacularly because of things like race, religious backgrounds and socio-economic status. This is not a post about my social, political, religious (specifically my lack of religious beliefs) or economic beliefs. It's about how I perceive the world and the human race in general. Because we are capable of conscious thought, we should strive to be more altruistic instead of selfish. So, is this my dog poop filter talking or is is the result of a great deal of observation and conscious thought? I honestly have no idea but I can tell you that the above examples are some of my most strongly held beliefs.
The very nature of my diagnosis begs the question, am I even truly capable of forming objective conclusion about anything, let alone the nature of the human race? Is my dog poop filter so strong that it effects every conscious though I have? These are difficult questions that most certainly don't have straightforward answers. This is where the concept of mindfulness comes into play. I have learned that I have to be mindful of every emotion and every thought that I have each and every day. I have analyze everything and determine if my response is my dog poop filter talking or a true interpretation of a situation. As you can guess, this isn't an easy task by any stretch of the imagination and I have been completely lax in practicing this for about 8 months now.
It takes so much energy to be mindful every second of every day and naturally, when I'm depressed, coming up with the energy to be mindful all the time becomes extremely difficult. Mindfulness is almost like the "spin" that political analysts like to use. Being mindful in my case means that I have to put a positive or optimistic spin on everyday situations in my life. I have friends who I work with who are incredibly proficient at being optimistic about almost everything. I spend half the time in awe of them and the other half wondering if there perceptions are in truth, reality. There's that perception vs. reality conundrum again. Mindfulness boils down to choice, I can choose to perceive things in a positive light and be the optimist or I can accept my dog poop filter interpretation of events and be the pessimist. My default option is always pessimism, unfortunately. That is why the conception of mindfulness is so important/essential to my recovery and continued growth as a human being.
Okay, I've talked about depressive realism, dog poop filters (negativity bias if you want to be precise), mindfulness, optimism and pessimism so far. I'm leaving out a key element to my personality though, cynicism. I am one cynical S.O.B., it's my primary defense mechanism and the source of almost all of my sense of humor. Cynicism, negativity bias and pessimism all have a lot of features in common with one another. For the longest time, I thought cynicism and sarcasm were one and the same, this is not the case though. One of the things that I have been taught through therapy is that sarcasm is considered to be nothing but displaced resentment by clinicians. If this truly is the case, it's no wonder that I'm so damn sarcastic. I don't subscribe completely to the above statement because I use sarcasm in my humor so much. We aren't talking about my sarcastic nature here though, we are talking about my cynicism (though it should be noted that the vast majority of my sarcasm comes from my cynicism). I am cynical as result of my upbringing and my experiences with my peers in grade school through high school. I am cynical because I am so observant. This goes back to my general opinion of the human race and the state that we are in right now. Being cynical is easy and is makes a great defense mechanism. Being cynical in my case discourages interaction with the world in the people in it because I am cynical about everything. Oh, I am so good about being cynical. Did I mention that I'm cynical about everything? I did because it's true. I moved to Kauai in part because I was so cynical about the "normal life" that someone in their mid-thirties and is married, is expected to live. I don't want to be your average United States citizen because I'm cynical. I work in the medical field because I'm cynical (though I am very cynical about the state of medicine in the United States today). I am so cynical that it would appear that I have unwittingly embraced a lot of concepts to be found in existential nihilism (I can't believe this philosophy actually exists, I thought I was the only person who thought this way). There is healthy cynicism and then there is Jon cynicism. Once again, am I so cynical because of my dog poop filter? I'm sure this is partly true but I'm sure that my intelligence plays a large role in this too. I would like to think that my intelligence results in a sense of naive realism but I am forced to question this because, once again, of my dog poop filter. The problem is, I like being cynical, I really like being cynical. Is it possible to be cynical about being cynical? I fear that being cynical is part of natural state of being and contributes greatly to my pessimistic nature. One major benefit of my cynicism is an extreme tendency to form my own opinions on subjects that may not follow the norm or majority. This is because I question everything but trust nothing that isn't backed up by scientific fact (clinical side of my personality again). A major drawback would be how my cynical attitude can affect the way I interact with people in general. This naturally feeds my nature of not trusting people and frequently results in dissociative behaviors on my part (not a good thing). Being mindful helps to counteract this to some degree but the dog poop filter is always in place.
Finally, I would talk a bit about my sense of ethical idealism. I hold very fast to my ideals and hold the rest of humanity to what I think should be our ideals as whole. As a result, I'm very cynical. Once again, I see what we are capable of as human beings and am ultimately disappointed because we seem to be unable to transcend our current state of society and achieve a form of utopia (altruism again). My father asks me at least once a year when I'm going to grow up, leave my blatant idealism behind, and join the real world. This always makes me sad because it means ultimately, this means that my father has given up on seeing the world change. Of course, his attitude is probably far more healthy and realistic than mine is because he accepts things as they are instead of pining for the impossible like I do. Here's a brain burner, does my adherence to certain ideals constitute a kind of anti-cynicism? My brain hurts too much to contemplate this question right now, I do intend to give it some serious thought though.
So, what have I learned tonight? Clearly, I am capable to whoring out to Wikipedia by linking endlessly to entries on philosophies and thought biases. Everything cycles back to perception versus reality and the existence of my dog poop filter. Mindfulness is the key to higher state of mental well-being for me. I question everything and as result, I am very cynical. Oh, what I mess I've made tonight, too much to digest right now. I hope your brain doesn't hurt as much as mine does right now and I hope all the crap I wrote tonight was worth your time.
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