There is a Dave Matthews Band song by the name of "Rhyme and Reaon" that always struck a very strong cord with me for reasons that will be apparent below:
Rhyme and Reason
Oh well oh well so here we stand, But we stand for nothing
My heart calls to me in my sleep, How can I turn to it?
'Cause I'm all locked up in this Dark place - and I do not know
I'm good as dead, My head aches - warped and tied up, I need to kill this pain
My head won't leave my head alone, And I don't believe it will 'Til I'm dead and gone
My head won't leave my head alone, And I don't believe it will 'Til I'm six feet under ground
How long I'm tied up, My mind in knots - my stomach reels
In concern for what I might do or What I've done, It's got me living in fear,
Well I know these voices must Be my soul
I've had enough, I've had enough Of being alone
I've got no place to go
. . . In my grave
Lying wired shut and quiet in my grave
Leave me here
Leave it to me to waste here
So young here I am again, Talking to myself
A t.v. blares
Oh man oh how I wish I didn't smoke Or drink to reason with my head
But sometimes this thick confusion Grows until I cannot bare it all
Needle to the vein, Needle to the vein
Take this needle from my vein my friend
. . . In my grave
Lying lying cold in my grave
Reason - my reason
Take my head off this terror
I'm fearing I'll come back
I'll see
My mind's all wiped clean
The needle
Make my great escape
I'll see the cold in time
My head leaves me behind
Let me fade away
I seem caught in time, My head leaves me behind
Body falls cold, And I see heaven
This song wll always be in my top 5 Dave Matthews Band songs ever. Why would such a dark song reside in my top five in the ere of the "new me" though? Allow me to explain myself....
Before this journey of discovery my life had been slowly spiraling out of control over the course of a 5 year period. Things were certainly better before that, but I always felt I had this dark spectre following me wherever I went. This song pretty much sums up exactly how I felt at the very moment last May when I began cutting myself. I felt I was going to alone forever, that my problems were too insurmountable and that they were never going to end. I was in that "Dark Place" and truly "My Head Won't Leave My Head Alone". I wanted this song to be played at my funeral so that everyone could truly have known how I felt at that exact moment when I took my life. I was that song and that song was me, literally.
Fortunately things didn't come to pass as I had originally intended and I sitting here writing this blog today due to the help that I received. Now, the reason why this song remains so powerful to me is because it is a constant reminder of just how low I went and how far I have come in the last 5 months. I need that reminder, not to identify with it but to draw inspiration from it. It's a been there, done that, never going back sort of thing. I am armed with something that I don't think I've ever had in my life before......hope. I have hope, finally. I now know that I am not unique in my problems, there are people who have far worse problems in life than I do that still manage to live healthy and happy lives. I know now that I am indeed a likeable and loveable person, that I do indeed deserve happiness and there probably really is someone out there for me, I just have to have the courage to move foreword. Hope is such a poweful thing, all it requires from me is a positive attitude and a healthy dose of mindfulness. I am going to stumble at times, there will be dark times ahead but they won't be as bad as what I've been through. Through all of this I will keep my hope and because of that I won't have to live through "Rhyme and Reason" again.
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