Thirty Nine

So, today is my 39th birthday. I state this not to garner attention but rather as a statement that warrants reflection. With all that has happened within the last year of my life, it feels like it's been 39 years since my 38th birthday. It was this time last year that my life began to become unmanageable, things had been falling apart for over three years but this is when I completely began to lose control. The six months that followed were no doubt some of the darkest of my life. I was tested everyday in ways that I could never have possibly imagined before. I still don't know the details of what really happened and who was really involved but I will just say that I was manipulated and tortured. This entry isn't about that though, this is about what happened afterward.

I am fortunate enough to have experienced a rebirth of sorts (not in the religious sense). My eyes were opened to a great many things over the last six months. I have learned things about myself that I had absolutely no idea existed. I learned to look at myself and my experiences in a new light and I learned that deep down, I am strong and that I am a fighter. Much has changed in this time but much has stayed the same. I still face many of the challenges that I did beforehand, work is still a very toxic and compassionless place, I am still having problems meeting friends that I can be open and vulnerable with, I still have financial problems and I still have a great deal of weight to lose. What has changed is how I view said problems and how I deal with them. I accept the things that I cannot change at work though there are those who accuse me of not caring. This is far from the case though, in order for change to come about, a situation often has to hit rock bottom and an outside force may be needed to intervene. A train wreck is immenent within the lab but you won't find me sacrificing myself by hurtling myself on the tracks in a last ditch effort to stop the train. I have given my input to the appropriate resources and that is good enough for me.

Meeting people outside of work continues to be my most significant challenge. I spent most of the last 4 years of my life either in hiding or under the influence of a very manipulative relationship. This has left me extremely hesitant and somewhat at a loss as to how people form friendships in the first place. It is important for me to realize that this is just going to take time and that I do have friends, they just don't live in Missoula.

I am working on my financial problems with the very gracious help of my father.

My weight loss issues are a continuing work in progress, mountain 4-5 days a week has significantly helped with this and helped my self esteem greatly. The possible long term health consequences of the sedentary lifestyle I adopted since my return from Kauai have been an excellent motivator. It feels good to get regular exercise and eat a healthier diet. There is always room for improvement and that's okay.

Finally, I thankfully have little or no drama in my life right now and am very happy about that. My outlook has a bit of a "Destination Unknown" feel to it.....and that's perfectly okay with me. For the time being I'm going to continue to work on myself and learn more about what it is that makes Jon tick. Hopefully I will be able to look back on the upcoming year on my 40th birthday and see how far I've come during that time. Someone once said, "Life is not a destination, but a journey". Life is indeed a journey and I plan on enjoying the scenery along the way!