Dr. Nelson will see you now?

Every now and then someone will mention that I should or should have gone to med school. I usually laugh maniacally at these sorts of statements. Me, as a doctor? I'm not sure the world would be able to support the smug/arrogant singularity that would be created if I were to ever obtain a medical doctorate.

First off, I already think I'm smarter than everyone (because I am), having a the letters "MD" attached to my name would only make things ten times worse. What about bedside manner? Well, all I could say is that I would be a cross of the worst characteristics of Dr. House from the show "House" and Dr. Cox from "Scrubs". No one wants to be a patient of a smug, asshole doctor who's right all of the time. Worse than that, no one wants to work for a smug, asshole doctor who's right all of the time. I work in the basement of our hospital as a mere clinical laboratory scientist and already I'm afraid to go to any other public places of the hospital for fear of being recognized as "that asshole from the lab". If people were indeed able to put my face to the voice they hear on the phone, I'm sure I would be stabbed, shivved, shanked, perforated numerous times via scalpel, or choked to death with a stethoscope. As a practicing physician, this would be far, far worse and I calculate my odds of being assassinated by the staff I work with would be about 98%.

In all seriousness, the idea of going to medical school has never appealed to me. I enjoy working in laboratory medicine very much and doubt I will ever stray very far from it. To be honest, the only type of doctoral medicine I would be interested in is pathology and I would almost certainly specialize in hematology, infectious disease, or epidemiology. I can specialize in those areas in my current professional career if I wanted to anyway. Though it is very flattering to have people suggest that I should have gone to medical school, it would require a focus, commitment, and drive that I don't think I've ever possessed. Truthfully, what I do in laboratory medicine requires a very in depth knowledge of broad categories of medicine already. In fact, the medical director of our lab has said to me numerous times that she thinks the most intelligent people you can find in a hospital setting are usually laboratorians and I agree with this statement, though not out of arrogance or hubris. My peers and colleagues are bar none some of the most intelligent and dedicated people I have ever met in my life. We perform detailed, sophisticated, and precise laboratory medicine every single day. Without us, physicians would be blind as to how to treat their patients. I am perfectly happy and proud to perform such essential functions behind the scenes, even though no one other than ourselves understands or realizes the enormity of the contributions we make every single day.

Besides, we ALL know just how big of an asshole physician I would be. Maybe if I could find an "Evil" medical school to attend, I might actually think about it. I'm going to keep the danger of a smug/arrogant singularity that would consume the world in the closet.....for now at least.