"Only the unimaginative resort to violence."
I just came up with that statement above, though I seriously doubt I am the first to ponder those words. Recently I established with a new psychiatrist and had to go through the usual screening process and there are always questions regarding anger issues. I told my psychiatrist that I don't have anger issues, I have resentment issues. To some this may seem like splitting hairs, but to me it's a very distinct difference. In my mind, people with anger issues are people who are prone to outbursts of violence and/or destruction. I'm not saying that I don't have a temper or aren't prone to angry outbursts, I'm just saying that I'm not an angry person in a violent sense. This is important to establish in light of all of the recent shootings and whatnot perpetrated by people with serious mental illness. I am NOT a violent person, I abhor violence in all of it's forms. I would never bring myself to do someone else any physical harm, it's just not who I am........ that being said, physical wounds can be healed, emotional wounds take far longer to resolve and leave deeper scars.
Me and resentment go back a long way, a very very, long way. I've had resentments against people since my earliest memories (frequently resentments are the only memories that I have of my childhood). Due to the multiple levels and sources of abuse I suffered growing up, I had to develop ways to survive and give myself a reason to keep on living. Solitude helped me to survive and the idea of vengeance gave me a reason to keep living. Once again, I am not a violent person, nor do I ever want to be one. If violence is going to be how I was going to get even with those who abused me, what would I use in its stead? Simple. I want those who wronged me to know exactly what it feels like to be me. Hated. Misunderstood. Flawed. Broken. Stupid. Worthless. Less than human. A waste of time. Nothing.
To make someone else see the misery of my existence would be the absolute worst thing that I could possibly perpetrate upon another person. That speaks of how much I value myself and the pain I live with. Just once I would like to see the horror on someone's face when he or she sees what emotional pain I've endured...........that's never going to happen though and when opportunities present themselves for me to capitalize on, I rarely act, if ever. I have too much compassion, even for my enemies. Occasionally someone will fall prey to their own doings, but I almost never have a hand in it.
So I have compassion, that's great, right? Yes, I have compassion.......but I still carry the resentment with me. The resentment I have for people continually poisons my soul a little each and every day. Recently I suffered a pretty serious betrayal by numerous coworkers, one that has left me extremely bitter. On one hand, I know that they are human beings and that we all work in a very toxic and taxing work environment. One where there is virtually no acknowledgement or positive feedback from anyone other than our peers. On the other hand, the one rule I would never break would be to sell someone out like I was. We may work in a hell hole, but we are all suffering the same in said hell hole. We need to have each other's back and we need to support one another when we stumble. I've seen coworkers stumble and do things I did not approve of, but I NEVER sold any of them out (unless it presented a risk to our patients). I always let them struggle a bit to understand and come to grips with what they had done......and then I would offer my hand and support to that person. Well, I stumbled recently, more than once. In fact, I fell flat on my face. I got up, tried to dust myself off, went back too early......and got hit by a proverbial bus. Only two people held out their hand in support during any of this turbulent time for me. One is a physician and the other is someone who also knows a lot about silent kinds of pain. The rest stabbed me in the back for the favor of someone pushing an agenda. Someone who has showed time and time again that she is only out to make herself look good and will burn anyone to accomplish that goal.....and will burn those same people that betrayed me as soon as the opportunity presents itself without a second thought.
I am so bitter. I am so resentful. I want to have revenge on each and every one of those involved. I've said before, I'm always watching, I always listening, and I'm always gathering data in case situations like this arise. Worse yet, I can be very subtle, devious, and manipulative when I want to be. Information control (to hide my true self) is an every day activity for me.....turning that ability on others wouldn't take much imagination on my part and I'm VERY articulate. Since I work with a bunch of human beings, full of personal quirks and faults, I have no want for information, it's all there for the taking.
Numerous opportunities have already presented themselves and though I hunger for vengeance so much, I can't bring myself to actually take it. Of course, that makes me the better person.....or does it? I still lose at the end of the day because the resentment never goes away, nor does the hurt. So I go with the other option that I've always relied on: solitude. The cycle continues.
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