Most people who work with me will attest to the idea that I am a very outspoken, sometimes bold and/or brash, and always opinionated individual. To those people it would seem that I am a very easy person to read or interpret, but they couldn't be more incorrect if they tried because that is exactly what I want them to think.
Most of things I say at work are very calculated sorts of things to give people a sense of what I want them to see and more importantly, keep them distracted from what I don't want them to see. They may think they know exactly what I'm thinking or what I'm implying when I say something, but like I said above, that is exactly what I want them to think. There are a few whom I work with that are what I like to call "safe individuals", but the vast majority are too petty and wrapped up in there own problems to look beyond themselves to try to understand someone who is layered in complexities. I could be thinking of ways to end my own life and everyone at work would be thinking about how good of a mood I'm in. Our medical director, who happens to be a trusted friend, remarked one day about how well it seemed that I was doing. I told her that's exactly what she was supposed to think and that I had been thinking of taking my life that very day. That's how good I am as disguising what is going on underneath....most times.
If there is something my sister and I have in common, it's the ability to tell people exactly what they want to hear at any given moment to keep them away from the truth or honest feeling moment. It's almost a game for me sometimes at work, seeing how far away from the truth I can keep them. To those who can't see through my deception, I appear to be flippant, cold, and insensitive.....and that's exactly what I want them to think. In truth, the exact opposite is true, I am extremely, sensitive, emotional, and compassionate, but usually only show it when playing devil's advocate or when under extreme stress and don't have the energy to keep the subterfuge going. I these tactics of deception as a test of sorts because it's a great way to see who is capable of seeing through the complexities of the performance that I'm giving. The most interesting part is that there usually three or four layers of truth to be deduced, each gaining in complexity the deeper you get. To try to peel these layers back is to really get to know who I am and what really stand for. You have to first see through the deception and most individuals never see past that and see only me at face value. People who know better see that almost everything that comes out of my mouth is very calculated and is designed to keep people away from the truth.
Now, many would argue that such a duplicitous nature is unsavory, but those are the types who aren't going to be able to understand my true thoughts and intentions. The truth is that I am a very sensitive individual and it is absolutely necessary that I hide that information from people that aren't going to respect or understand that fact. I've been hurt too many times by people willing to take advantage to my soft and sensitive nature to disastrous effect to my psyche. Four years ago, someone was smart enough to make it through all of my defenses and gain access to almost all of my most sensitive wounds. Unfortunately her intentions were anything but benign and she did untold amounts of damage to me before I was able to extricate myself from her web of lies. Thus the necessity for the barrier maze, those who choose to navigate it are under extreme scrutiny from me at all times in order to discover their character and intentions. If I judge someone to be safe, I usually will give access to a few upper layers of my true personality for starters to see what they do with the information. Those that are judged as a danger encounter more and more complex illusions, false statements and diversionary tactics.
As it stands right now, only one person I work directly with has any access to anything other than diversionary webs I weave. No one from work has access to this or my Facebook feed either, so my secret will remain just that. Facebook friends beware though, I would be lying if I said I only behaved this way at work. When I'm doing poorly and don't want anyone to know what's really going on inside my head, I use these tactics with gusto because I don't want anyone to get wind of the conflict.
It all boils down to the fact that I don't want interference or manipulation from outside parties, especially when it comes to very personal, sensitive, and private issues that can be easily misunderstood or downright incomprehensible to anyone save for those who have been there. Please don't take any of this personally, these are all defense tactics to keep me free from harm and manipulation. Like I said, the truth is there within everything I say and do, it's purposefully difficult to discern. That being said, if I say I am being truthful, that is ALWAYS to be taken at face value because it is the truth. It should be noted that I have warned my physicians about things I will say, do and ask for when in extremis, but don't think I don't have backup plans up my sleeves.
I am being honest right now by saying that I'm not suicidal at the moment. That being said, there is a very significant chance that I will die by my own hand in the future. If that moment does indeed arrive, there will be no warning or cry for help, for I want my decision to mine and mine alone. This is going to really upset people who actually read this drivel, but the truth is the truth. From a statistical standpoint, people with diagnoses similar to mine have less than favorable prognoses. To be honest, I would prefer to accept death on my own terms, there is a certain level of courage in that. My sister was brave enough and had to clarity to see what the rest of her life was going to be like and she chose to end her suffering. Though I miss her every single day and will do so for the rest of my life, I will always respect her decision and the courage it took to end her nightmare.
So there it is, the truth....or is it. I'm already formulating strategies to keep people from getting too close to me as a result of this information. Yes, I am taking a huge gamble by revealing all of this, but I am more than confident that I can deflect any further inquiries into the truth......it's all a game really.
No comments:
Post a Comment