Some people should never drink alcohol.

Every time when I see drunk people or people depicted as being drunk, I shudder and cringe in fright on the inside. It should be clarified that I pretty much gave up alcohol consumption altogether at about this time three years. There are several reason for this decision, starting with the fact that there is a very prominent history of substance abuse in my family, my sister in particular. Another reason is that alcohol is a depressant and anyone who knows me well, know that I don't need any extra help in that department. The last of the trivial reasons would be that I have never tolerated the stuff well and suffer from severe hangovers even from light drinking. Alcohol consumption just isn't my thing and to be honest, I really don't miss the experience for the most part.

None of the reasons above are the real reason why I gave up alcohol almost entirely, the real reason is far more serious and complicated in nature, as most everything having to do with my tends to be. Everyone knows that the more alcohol one consumes, the lower most people's inhibitions will go and this is very much that case with me......which is a bad thing. I have a great deal of what people would call inhibitions or what I call defensive measures to keep me from suffering harm at the hands of others. The lower my inhibitions go, the lower my defense measures go and the more vulnerable I become. Though this may seem fun to me at the time, having my defenses go down completely creates extreme amounts of anxiety in the aftermath. Part of the problem is that I become extremely honest with people and my feelings toward them. My ex-wife used to love it when I would get tipsy or drunk because I would spend all of my time telling her how much I loved her and whatnot (thank goodness I don't have that problem any longer). The honesty thing is almost always in a very positive fashion, but the problem comes from the fact that no one knows just how honest and serious I am being when I tell them something when I'm drunk. If there is one thing in life that I absolutely abhor, it's not being taken seriously when I'm being completely honest. The fact that most people dismiss what I am saying as being nothing more than the liquor talking works in my advantage for keeping my secrets secret.

I honestly really, really hate being drunk. Why? Because I'm no longer in control of myself and I have no idea what I may say or do, which can lead to VERY serious consequences. When I drink I remain a very jovial and fun drunk 95% of the time. Most people find me to be very entertaining and funny when I'm drunk, which is actually a pretty good thing.......as long as I stay that way. Occasionally something will happen that will bring up vivid flashbacks of past trauma, this is when not being in control of my personality and reactions becomes a very serious problem and could very easily prove to be fatal for me.

There have been a few instances in the past where something will occur to trigger a flashback within my mind and I will very abruptly go to very dark places. Fortunately for me, every time that has occurred I have been with safe people who have known that it was unsafe for me to be alone and unsupervised. The last time this sort of thing occurred was less than a week after my wife left me on the island and I came across a cougar, who had far less then Honorable intentions (a story for a later time). Now a LOT of trauma has occurred for me in the last seven years and I have suicidal thoughts on a regular basis (just this morning in fact). I even have two different plans to accomplish said task, neither one of which I have access to and my physicians have been made aware of both plans. At this point in my life consuming anything that would lower my inhibitions or lessen my control over my thoughts would be very ill advised since I would have no rational control over suicidal impulses. I don't consider this to be a bad thing though and really don't mind, I tend to want to wander through life with my senses and mind as sharp as they can be. I've personally seen too many times what substance addiction does to people and given my familial history, it's just another reason for me not to tempt fate. Mood altering substances just aren't for me, though I'm glad for people who can enjoy them.....in moderation.