One of the more random ponderings that came across my mind as of recent had to do with my self perception regarding my intellect. Somewhere about half way through my especially long college career (I never failed a single class, I just couldn't decide on a subject to major in) I came to the conclusion that I am smarter than the average people around me.
Disclaimer: This post is not meant to come off as superior, smug, or arrogant (for once).
This wasn't one of those gradual sort of realizations either, it was jaw dropping, "Holy shit, I'm actually smart!", moments similar to a large insect colliding with the windshield of a speeding vehicle. I actually believe that this was one of the first moments of self awareness/realization for me. Being treated as something less than human for the majority of my childhood and teenage years instilled a very strong program into my brain, that program being that I'm worthless and that I should always believe that everyone I meet is better and more important than I am. As a result of all of this, I was never encouraged to really explore any idea that I might have an aptitude for anything. I wandered through life in that sort of fog, never questioning things and never looking beyond the experiences that I had. Waking up in your mid-20's to realize that everything that you had ever been told may be completely wrong was very unsettling for me. It was almost like I was born into a new world, but that world was almost incomprehensible to me. Looking back on my childhood, the signs were there, but Carly was always treated like she was the best at everything and to this day, I still can't get any member of my family to treat me like I'm an intelligent human being.
Though my aptitude is very high (at least I think it is), my emotional maturity is very stunted. Stunted in that I try my best not to experience feelings as much as possible (that is a tale for another time). I suddenly find myself doubting whether I'm near as smart as I think I am though. Growing up, asking questions usually elicited negative feedback for me so I became very adept at figuring things out of my own accord. To this day one of the most difficult things for me to do is to ask questions or ask for help, I will only do so if I have exhausted every resource at my disposal in pursuit of the answer to my queries. As a result, I have better than average problem solving abilities and know how to use knowledge based resources at my disposal. I honestly prefer to figure things out on my own, rather than ask for help.
One thing about grade school and high school was that I never gave a shit about my grades at all. Carly always got excellent grades, something her and mom were more than happy to compare me to on a regular basis. I never really saw the point to it though. Why should I have even cared? I never studied because I didn't have to and I didn't really see the point to that either. I always assumed that good grades were beyond my reach so it was a waste of time to even try. I carried this idea into the early years of college, I just never applied myself. Once I got into more interesting science courses, I found I had an active interest and natural ability in the subject matter. I still never applied myself properly to the course work though. All of that changed when I hit Comparative Vertebrate Anatomy. I actually failed the first practial in the class, something that had NEVER happened before. I was absolutely shocked, which I shouldn't have been because the professor said it was the academic equivalent to the "Bataan Death March". I finally applied myself to the course and wound up with a respectable "B" in the course. In retrospect, anatomy and physiology have always been easy subjects for me because I took comparative vert. The only other course that I have ever taken that required I apply myself that much was Embryology, a subject which I still hate to this day. Importantly, I finally learned that I actually was capable to getting good grades, with just a bit more effort than I had exhibited in the past.
By the time I finally figured out what I wanted to do with myself, I had already graduated with a degree in Biology, but I needed a degree in microbiology/clinical laboratory science, which required me to go back to school for another two years, plus a one year clinical internship on top of all that. By then I knew exactly what methods worked the best for me to comprehend subject material, so I managed to fly through my second degree getting good grades with minimal effort. I'm not saying I got the highest grades all of the time, I still didn't see the point in that, but I always managed to get an "A" in the majority of my courses. One of my peers that I went to school with will be happy to tell you about how much better she did on an immunology practical than I did because I was too busy playing video games the night before to study. I also made it through my clinical internship with far less effort and stress than my fellow students did, they were all too busy competing with each other for the highest grades when I knew it was all just to prime us for our board exams at the end of the year. My cavalier attitude toward the tests and course work garnered a lot of scorn from my fellow students, but to be honest, I didn't like any of them in the first place.
Anyway, I think I'm really smart and I will be more than happy to tell you that if you ask me. Is this really the case or is it pure hubris on my part? I've always prided myself on the fact that I much prefer to think for myself and come to my own conclusions, instead of having them forced down my throat. I'm not going to lie though, I'm very good at being a Clinical Laboratory Scientist and I would hope some of my former coworkers would agree with that opinion. I'm good at what I do because I apply myself to it every day and am genuinely interested in finding answers to every oddity that I come across. I never stop learning and I don't ever want to. I like to think of myself as a very critical and dynamic thinker, one who can look at the big picture without tripping on the details AND finding the tiny details when the situation warrants it. I don't know, maybe it really is all arrogant hubris on my part. So, am I a "Smart Fella" or a "Fart Smella"? You decide. I'll be over here being smug, overconfident, and arrogant.
No comments:
Post a Comment