Well here we are, X-mas is over and the long process known as Winter has come to Missoula, Montana. The holidays are always a time of struggle for me and this year is no different than previous years. Some weeks it seems so hard to keep a positive attitude, let alone get out of bed even. It's interesting that the things that help me the most are the first things that fall by the wayside. Things like walking the dogs, working out and hanging out at my favorite coffee shop are very important to my general mental health but I either haven't been able to do these things because of my work schedule, the holidays or just a lack of motivation. It really doesn't help that I was scheduled for six days in a row starting last Friday through the entire X-mas weekend and that I'm also scheduled to work all of the New Years weekend. This is the lab manager's way of getting back at me for what she thinks is a two month vacation when in actuality, it was two months spent in the hospital and then at a treatment center in Seattle while on medical leave. Couple with that the fact that my annual review and raise are over 4 months overdue and I have more than a little animosity towards things at work. As far as the whole sleep thing goes, I go through periods of time where I find my dream life far more interesting than my real life so I really don't have a lot of motivation to get out of bed. My Mother, who happens to very toxic for me, is the root of a great deal of my problems and who is an ultra hypochondriac, was recently diagnosed with lymphoma and I've had numerous relatives and friends of hers call me to inform and insinuate that I'm a terrible son for not keeping in touch with her or visiting her during her time of need. Contact with my Mother is very bad for me so I absolutely have to keep my distance from her. Her entire life is devoted to making people feel sorry for her and my sister's death and this whole lymphoma thing just amplifies everything to unbearable proportions for me. The type of lymphoma that she has has over a 90% cure rate so I am not concerned about her health at this point in time. What I am concerned about is being judged by people who have no idea what me and my sister suffered through growing up in my Mother's household. I have good reason for keeping my distance from Mom, she emotionally and physically abused us both growing up and about 17 years ago decided that the world should feel sorry for her and has been throwing a pity party ever since. Of course phone calls from her relatives and friends only reinforce the strong notions that I am a bad person and my newfound self esteem suffers greatly because of it. I hate waking up everyday feeling like I'm a bad person, it really sucks. Things in the dating department haven't been going well either, I've all but completely given up on the idea that I'm ever going to find someone who will put up with all the baggage that I'm carrying around, not to mention how weird my personality is. This is such a bad attitude but it's so hard not to feel this way. I was burned very badly this year and it's natural to feel like dating is impossible at this age for someone who is a huge nerd and doesn't really want anything to do with kids. All of the above has negative effects on my daily attitudes and it really shows at work. Working a six day stretch over a holiday is bad enough, working both holidays without a day off before or after is almost intolerable and my attitude at work as of late has been shitty as hell. I'm short with people on the phone, I'm easily irritated, and I constantly think about wanting to be at home. This also contributes to the whole "I'm a bad person" notion and taking everything above as a whole, it becomes this whole negative feedback loop that if left unabated, can easily lead to a situation similar to the one I found myself in a year ago.
So dear reader, did you get through that whole spiel of negativity and self loathing? There are a great deal of positive things going in my life right now and at times like these, it's very important that I recognize what's good in my life and focus on those things instead of all the crap that I listed above. I'm going back to the gym tonight after a week long absence and that always seems to help things nicely. I was fortunate enough to get a very nice pair of snowshoes from my Dad and Stepmother for X-mas and all that is needed before I can traipse around the local mountains is a fair amount of snow. The few good friends that I do have, are indeed very good friends and keep tabs on me and encourage me when needed. My Dad is here for the next few days and I coincidentally have the next two days off and I'm looking foreward to spending some time with him. I always have the dogs who are happy to see me every night when I come home from work and I will be hiking with them over the next few days so they will be very happy about that. All in all, things aren't as bad as I think they are, the key is that I know I'm in a slump and I need to keep things in perspective and actively try to bring myself out of things instead of sinking any lower. A negative thought pattern and a bad attitude only lead to more negativity, there are things in life that are negative that we cannot prevent from happening, the key is to recognize what's good and focus on those things instead.
Wednesday, December 28, 2011
Friday, December 9, 2011
Turning Tables
Just out of the blue I found a song by Adele by the name of "Turning Tables" that elicited a rather strong emotional response from me. You can find the lyrics here: http://www.metrolyrics.com/turning-tables-lyrics-adele.html
I frequently express my emotions through the music that I listen to, those who can successfully decipher the meaning that specific songs have for me are the people who see the innermost portions of my soul that I try to keep hidden. Four years ago I met a woman who could see straight through my defenses to see the vulnerable child that lives within in me. The problem is that this woman was someone with far deeper emotional scars than the ones that I carry. Instead of attempting to nurture my inner child and draw him to the surface, she sought to destroy it.
Have you ever woke up from a nightmare that was so frighteningly real that you had soaked the sheets with sweat and wondered if the dream was real? Unfortunately I recently woke up from a nightmare that was all too real. Many people who know me know that last year at this time that I was dealing with a crisis where through some very strange details, my girlfriend had fallen into a coma, I wasn't allowed to go see her and her family was emotionally torturing me. It was perhaps the darkest time of my life. I had just made the decision to end a three year long distance relationship that was extremely unhealthy and was going nowhere. Not a week later I got a very angry and abusive text stating that my ex-girlfriend had fallen into a coma following a routine surgery to remove some ovarian cysts and that I was the worst of the worst of people for abandoning her in her hour of need. I was absolutely devastated by the news and had a very public breakdown at work as a result. I tried to travel to Seattle to be by her side and show my support for someone whom I still loved very much. I was denied this chance and received severe emotional torment instead. Her family wouldn't even talk to me on the phone, so all the information and punishment was given via text. This lasted for just over 5 months with the story getting more and more outlandish at every turn....as did the punishment. Finally, after having my entire soul run over, spit on and set fire, I made a plan to end my life and ended up in the hospital for a week. Realizing that the onslaught of emotional abuse was slowly killing someone who had suffered enough abuse during his childhood, the psychiatrists told me I had to write one final email and move on with me life. I did as I was instructed and apologized for not having the fortitude to stick with things to the end and sent what was to be my final communication with my ex-girlfriend and her family off. I was discharged the next day and was very surprised to receive a phone call from my fresh out of her coma and perfectly fine now ex- girlfriend. Stunned, I told her that I loved her and that I couldn't do this anymore. She said that it was okay and that she was getting out of the hospital in a few weeks (after having been in a coma for nearly six months) and that she was going to go back to her ex-fiancé and marry him shortly after. She wanted to keep calling me but I told her that I really needed to move on with my life and that she should too. She reluctantly agreed and we went our separate ways. Four weeks later I received a text from her stating that she had called my ex-wife and that Stephanie had told her all manner of awful things about me and that she now knew what kind of person I really am. I tried slitting my wrists an hour later and thus began my first step to a new life inadvertently.
The rest is history now. I got the help I needed and I have since begun the process of making myself whole for the first time in my life. Over the last four months through the help of my therapist I have come to the conclusion that most or all of the story presented above was all one big lie. A lie designed to do one thing and one thing only, punish me for breaking up with her in the first place. In fact, it seems that a great deal of the last three years was all one big lie. I ask myself everyday, how I could have fallen for everything? She preyed upon my underlying belief that I was less than a person who is destined to walk his entire life alone and devoid of love. Though I know better now, I allowed myself to be controlled by someone who has far deeper problems than I can possibly imagine. I am not mad at my ex, I am hurt and at a loss for words but I'm not mad. Those who know and love me are a different story, they are irate to say the least and I appreciate that.
I'm finally starting to come to terms with what happened at the end of last year and the beginning of this year. It's certainly not been easy, the old me still wants to believe that I was the one at fault for walking out on a loved one in a time of need. That is the old me though. I needed to tell this story, certainly not for sympathy's sake but so that I can put one more step father away from the whole incident. I still have dreams about the whole thing and my conscience wants to tell me I was wrong but I have to remember and believe that I tried the best I could to do the right thing and that the whole mess was most likely made up in the first place. I have her to thank for all the progress I've made in the last six months, I never would have taken those first steps down the road to peace and happiness if someone hadn't driven me to the point of almost taking my life. For that reason, I will never be angry about the subject. After all, she needs far more help than I ever did and she's the one who has to live with herself at the end of the day. So for that reason, I dedicate Adele's song, "Turning Tables", to my ex-girlfriend.
I frequently express my emotions through the music that I listen to, those who can successfully decipher the meaning that specific songs have for me are the people who see the innermost portions of my soul that I try to keep hidden. Four years ago I met a woman who could see straight through my defenses to see the vulnerable child that lives within in me. The problem is that this woman was someone with far deeper emotional scars than the ones that I carry. Instead of attempting to nurture my inner child and draw him to the surface, she sought to destroy it.
Have you ever woke up from a nightmare that was so frighteningly real that you had soaked the sheets with sweat and wondered if the dream was real? Unfortunately I recently woke up from a nightmare that was all too real. Many people who know me know that last year at this time that I was dealing with a crisis where through some very strange details, my girlfriend had fallen into a coma, I wasn't allowed to go see her and her family was emotionally torturing me. It was perhaps the darkest time of my life. I had just made the decision to end a three year long distance relationship that was extremely unhealthy and was going nowhere. Not a week later I got a very angry and abusive text stating that my ex-girlfriend had fallen into a coma following a routine surgery to remove some ovarian cysts and that I was the worst of the worst of people for abandoning her in her hour of need. I was absolutely devastated by the news and had a very public breakdown at work as a result. I tried to travel to Seattle to be by her side and show my support for someone whom I still loved very much. I was denied this chance and received severe emotional torment instead. Her family wouldn't even talk to me on the phone, so all the information and punishment was given via text. This lasted for just over 5 months with the story getting more and more outlandish at every turn....as did the punishment. Finally, after having my entire soul run over, spit on and set fire, I made a plan to end my life and ended up in the hospital for a week. Realizing that the onslaught of emotional abuse was slowly killing someone who had suffered enough abuse during his childhood, the psychiatrists told me I had to write one final email and move on with me life. I did as I was instructed and apologized for not having the fortitude to stick with things to the end and sent what was to be my final communication with my ex-girlfriend and her family off. I was discharged the next day and was very surprised to receive a phone call from my fresh out of her coma and perfectly fine now ex- girlfriend. Stunned, I told her that I loved her and that I couldn't do this anymore. She said that it was okay and that she was getting out of the hospital in a few weeks (after having been in a coma for nearly six months) and that she was going to go back to her ex-fiancé and marry him shortly after. She wanted to keep calling me but I told her that I really needed to move on with my life and that she should too. She reluctantly agreed and we went our separate ways. Four weeks later I received a text from her stating that she had called my ex-wife and that Stephanie had told her all manner of awful things about me and that she now knew what kind of person I really am. I tried slitting my wrists an hour later and thus began my first step to a new life inadvertently.
The rest is history now. I got the help I needed and I have since begun the process of making myself whole for the first time in my life. Over the last four months through the help of my therapist I have come to the conclusion that most or all of the story presented above was all one big lie. A lie designed to do one thing and one thing only, punish me for breaking up with her in the first place. In fact, it seems that a great deal of the last three years was all one big lie. I ask myself everyday, how I could have fallen for everything? She preyed upon my underlying belief that I was less than a person who is destined to walk his entire life alone and devoid of love. Though I know better now, I allowed myself to be controlled by someone who has far deeper problems than I can possibly imagine. I am not mad at my ex, I am hurt and at a loss for words but I'm not mad. Those who know and love me are a different story, they are irate to say the least and I appreciate that.
I'm finally starting to come to terms with what happened at the end of last year and the beginning of this year. It's certainly not been easy, the old me still wants to believe that I was the one at fault for walking out on a loved one in a time of need. That is the old me though. I needed to tell this story, certainly not for sympathy's sake but so that I can put one more step father away from the whole incident. I still have dreams about the whole thing and my conscience wants to tell me I was wrong but I have to remember and believe that I tried the best I could to do the right thing and that the whole mess was most likely made up in the first place. I have her to thank for all the progress I've made in the last six months, I never would have taken those first steps down the road to peace and happiness if someone hadn't driven me to the point of almost taking my life. For that reason, I will never be angry about the subject. After all, she needs far more help than I ever did and she's the one who has to live with herself at the end of the day. So for that reason, I dedicate Adele's song, "Turning Tables", to my ex-girlfriend.
Sunday, November 27, 2011
Various musings on the Holiday Season
Well folks, it's that time of year again.....the Holiday Season rush. It just never ceases to amaze me about how crazy people go over "Black Friday" shopping ordeals. Personally, I'd rather eat my dog's poop than get caught out in the chaos associated with the day after Thanksgiving. Have the holidays become so commercialized that the only thing people obsess about is the gift giving and receiving? I'm not Christian so when Fox News talks about "The War On Christmas", they are talking about people like me.
It's not that I'm anti-X-Mas (which I jokingly pronounce as Ex-Mas in the tradition of Futurama), it's just that I don't buy into the whole thing. I personally celebrate the Pagan tradition of the Winter Solstice and rejoice in the fact that the days cease being shorter each day and begin the long, slow build up to Spring and Summer once again. Anyone who knows me well, knows of my views on Christianity and organized religion as a whole. Don't get me wrong, religion serves a very important function in society, I just don't want to have any of it in my government, to have it pushed upon me all the time or be judged as lacking a soul and going to Hell because I don't believe in God or Jesus Christ. It never ceases to amaze me how certain people become irritated or angry because I wished them a happy holiday seaon instead of a Merry X-mas. Not everyone is Christian people and I don't feel comfortable with wishing anyone a happy birth of their savior day. Scholars have pretty much proved that proven that Jesus Christ was not born on the 25th of December and that the holiday was moved to that date to coincide with various Pagan and Roman festivities.
At a quick glance it would appear that I am very cynical and jaded about the holidays and find absolutely no value in celebrating them. This is not the case though. I do believe that the holiday season should exist as a time where family and close friends come together and celebrate the common bond that we have with each other. I rather enjoy holiday gatherings and parties that I have the chance to attend. I feel that these sort of events really embody the holiday spirit in the place of a massively commercialized religious event. This time of year I celebrate Peace, Love and Happiness and if that offends people, that's there loss and I invite them to reflect upon what the holidays really mean to them.
It's not that I'm anti-X-Mas (which I jokingly pronounce as Ex-Mas in the tradition of Futurama), it's just that I don't buy into the whole thing. I personally celebrate the Pagan tradition of the Winter Solstice and rejoice in the fact that the days cease being shorter each day and begin the long, slow build up to Spring and Summer once again. Anyone who knows me well, knows of my views on Christianity and organized religion as a whole. Don't get me wrong, religion serves a very important function in society, I just don't want to have any of it in my government, to have it pushed upon me all the time or be judged as lacking a soul and going to Hell because I don't believe in God or Jesus Christ. It never ceases to amaze me how certain people become irritated or angry because I wished them a happy holiday seaon instead of a Merry X-mas. Not everyone is Christian people and I don't feel comfortable with wishing anyone a happy birth of their savior day. Scholars have pretty much proved that proven that Jesus Christ was not born on the 25th of December and that the holiday was moved to that date to coincide with various Pagan and Roman festivities.
At a quick glance it would appear that I am very cynical and jaded about the holidays and find absolutely no value in celebrating them. This is not the case though. I do believe that the holiday season should exist as a time where family and close friends come together and celebrate the common bond that we have with each other. I rather enjoy holiday gatherings and parties that I have the chance to attend. I feel that these sort of events really embody the holiday spirit in the place of a massively commercialized religious event. This time of year I celebrate Peace, Love and Happiness and if that offends people, that's there loss and I invite them to reflect upon what the holidays really mean to them.
Sunday, November 20, 2011
Perception and Reality
I got to thinking about reality the other day and found it very difficult to quantify what reality really is. Reality is so often based in perception that it's difficult to tell what is real and what is skewed due to our point of view.
Think about it, everything that we experience everyday is subject to interpretaion based upon our points of view. This naturally raises a lot of questions with me in regards to how I react to situations on a daily basis and how I view myself in general. It's far too easy in life to get wrapped up in our own lives thinking that our point of view or perceptions are the only ones that are correct. I find that it's very helpful to be mindful that things often aren't quite what we perceive them to be.
Often I can choose as to how I want to view or react to both positive and negative situations that present themselves. The more that I look at or react to things in a positive way, the happier and more trouble free I find myself. This is a key realization for me, a great deal of being happy in life is taking the time to examine how you look at things. Beforehand I was far too busy wrapped up in my troubles and worries that I lost sight of what it means to truly live. Things finally degenerated to the point where I didn't want to carry on and soon after I was faced with a very important questions: If I were to go foreword, was I going to dedicate myself to being happy or was I just going to continue on with being miserable and feeling sorry for myself?
Fortunatley I made the right choice and I've spent the last 6 months trying to change the way that I see and experience life's challenges and experiences. I choose how I decide to view things, I choose my attitude everyday, I choose to make my own reality based upon a new sense of perception. I'm not going to lie and say that it's easy or that I'm completely successful everyday, I have years and years of bad habits to shake and that just doesn't happen overnight. Things like work, a lack of much of a social life and some lingering self esteem issues often present challenges to me in my journey. The important thing is that I stand in the shower everyday and tell myself that I'm going to be as positive as I can be, not let things bother me and smile as much as possible. I can honestly say that this has helped me immensely and I think the people who I interact with have noticed this change in me. I have to be mindful at all times to keep from slipping into old habits and thought patterns but as long as I remain mindful and open, it really isn't that hard and I am enjoying life as viewed through the new set of reality glasses that I recently put on! As time goes foreword, hopefully I will automatically see things positively without having to be so mindful all the time, that being said, I think that being mindful is a good thing, it gives a clarity to our reality and helps us to gain a greater understanding of life's daily events.
Think about it, everything that we experience everyday is subject to interpretaion based upon our points of view. This naturally raises a lot of questions with me in regards to how I react to situations on a daily basis and how I view myself in general. It's far too easy in life to get wrapped up in our own lives thinking that our point of view or perceptions are the only ones that are correct. I find that it's very helpful to be mindful that things often aren't quite what we perceive them to be.
Often I can choose as to how I want to view or react to both positive and negative situations that present themselves. The more that I look at or react to things in a positive way, the happier and more trouble free I find myself. This is a key realization for me, a great deal of being happy in life is taking the time to examine how you look at things. Beforehand I was far too busy wrapped up in my troubles and worries that I lost sight of what it means to truly live. Things finally degenerated to the point where I didn't want to carry on and soon after I was faced with a very important questions: If I were to go foreword, was I going to dedicate myself to being happy or was I just going to continue on with being miserable and feeling sorry for myself?
Fortunatley I made the right choice and I've spent the last 6 months trying to change the way that I see and experience life's challenges and experiences. I choose how I decide to view things, I choose my attitude everyday, I choose to make my own reality based upon a new sense of perception. I'm not going to lie and say that it's easy or that I'm completely successful everyday, I have years and years of bad habits to shake and that just doesn't happen overnight. Things like work, a lack of much of a social life and some lingering self esteem issues often present challenges to me in my journey. The important thing is that I stand in the shower everyday and tell myself that I'm going to be as positive as I can be, not let things bother me and smile as much as possible. I can honestly say that this has helped me immensely and I think the people who I interact with have noticed this change in me. I have to be mindful at all times to keep from slipping into old habits and thought patterns but as long as I remain mindful and open, it really isn't that hard and I am enjoying life as viewed through the new set of reality glasses that I recently put on! As time goes foreword, hopefully I will automatically see things positively without having to be so mindful all the time, that being said, I think that being mindful is a good thing, it gives a clarity to our reality and helps us to gain a greater understanding of life's daily events.
Saturday, November 12, 2011
Finding somewhere you belong.....
There is a Song by Linkin Park named "Somewhere I belong" that sums up how I've felt all my life so well that it's unbelievable. Here are the lyrics:
(When this began)
I had nothing to say
And I get lost in the nothingness inside of me
(I was confused)
And I let it all out to find
That I'm not the only person with these things in mind
(Inside of me)
But all that they can see the words revealed
Is the only real thing that I've got left to feel
(Nothing to lose)
Just stuck, hollow and alone
And the fault is my own, and the fault is my own
I wanna heal, I wanna feel
What I thought was never real
I wanna let go of the pain
I've felt so long
(Erase all the pain till it's gone)
I wanna heal, I wanna feel
Like I'm close to something real
I wanna find something I've wanted all along
Somewhere I belong
And I've got nothing to say
I can't believe I didn't fall right down on my face
(I was confused)
Looking everywhere only to find
That it's not the way I had imagined it all in my mind
(So what am I?)
What do I have but negativity?
Cause I can't justify way everyone is looking at me
(Nothing to lose)
Nothing to gain, hollow and alone
And the fault is my own, and the fault is my own
I wanna heal, I wanna feel
What I thought was never real
I wanna let go of the pain
I've felt so long
(Erase all the pain till it's gone)
I wanna heal, I wanna feel
Like I'm close to something real
I wanna find something I've wanted all along
Somewhere I belong
I will never know
Myself until I do this on my own
And I will never feel
Anything else until my wounds are healed
I will never be
Anything till I break away from me
I will break away
I'll find myself today
I wanna heal, I wanna feel
What I thought was never real
I wanna let go of the pain
I've felt so long
(Erase all the pain till it's gone)
I wanna heal, I wanna feel
Like I'm close to something real
I wanna find something I've wanted all along
Somewhere I belong
I wanna heal, I wanna feel
Like I am somewhere I belong
I wanna heal, I wanna feel
Like I am somewhere I belong
Somewhere I belong
Another very dark song that rang very strongly with me. This is just another prime example of the place that I am making my way out of at this point in time. A sense of belonging is something that every human being strives for in lifw. For most of my life I've never felt like I've ever been anywhere that I truly belonged and that is most certainly a very bleak thing. Looking back on the person I was a mere 6 months ago, I see that I was very negative. Not only was I very negative, I was extremely jaded and cynical about just about everything in the world. How are you supposed to be a happy person with that kind of attitude?
Being ostracized by family and peers growing up had a very powerful influence on my perceptions and how I acted. I learned that participation yielded scorn, ridicule and guilt, thus I switched from an attitude of participation to one of observation. If you didn't get involved in things and relationships and merely observed and didn't interact, you didn't get hurt. It's no wonder that I never felt like I belonged anywhere, I was forever observing things as an outsider for fear of appearing vulnerable and getting hurt.
This sort of attitude has proven to be a very difficult one to shed over time. I can honestly say that I am no longer nearly as negative, cynical or jaded as I once was but I still find it difficult to switch from an attitude of observation to interaction. One thing that helped dramatically was my experience at the therapy center that I stayed at for 6 weeks late this Spring and early Summer. It was there that I had the chance to get to know people who had similar problems and attitudes as my own. The more vulnerable I was, the more people there accepted me. It was a very enlightening and gratifying experience for me, for the first time in my life I felt like I truly belonged. Though I do have to admit that there is one yearly experience that I attend that makes me feel the same way, that would be the 3 day Dave Matthews Band concert at the Gorge. Being there with thousands of people that share the passion that I have for the band is liberating every year but it's too short lived and easily forgotten over time.
Feeling like you belong where you live is a very powerful thing as well. When I lived in Bozeman in the 90's I truly came to love the city and almost felt like I belonged there. When I moved to Spokane for my clincal internship that feeling evaporated overnight and forgot what it was like. When I moved to Kauai I hoped that I could regain some of that feeling of belonging....I couldn't have been more incorrect. Though Kauai is a very beautiful place, there is much racial tension between the natives and the white population. This is very understandable since we have literally invaded the Hawaiian islands, filling them up with condominiums and Winter homes. This drives up the price of everything and locals are always crowded out by their more wealthy white counterparts. I wasn't even remotely prepared to deal with the predjudice that I would encounter on the island. The Hawaiian culture is a very beautiful one but it has been tainted by hate and bigotry and this makes me very sad. I felt like I was continually assaulted the entire time I lived there. I'm not saying that it's unbearable and no one should move there, I was just too sensitized to it due to my upbringing.
I've been home for over 3 years now and I had a revelation about a month ago.....I feel like I belong here in Missoula and I'm very happy to feel that way about a place again. I still don't feel like I really fit in very well at work but I'm doing my best to change that attitude over time. I still have a tendency to observe instead of interact with people, I'm doing it now as I sit in the window of my coffee shop watching people go buy. I'm still struggling with making friends, I have most of my life so it's unreasonable to expect that to change overnight. The important thing is that I love it here in Missoula and for the first time in over 10 years, I'm not thinking about where I am going to move next.
A sense of belonging is a very important thing in life and I strive for it everyday. Once again, the important part is that I continue to strive and continue to grow. Being healthy and happy takes a lot of work and it's important to look back on things and see how far you have come. In my case I'm making up for about 38 years of negativity but it's never too late to start and it's always worth doing!
(When this began)
I had nothing to say
And I get lost in the nothingness inside of me
(I was confused)
And I let it all out to find
That I'm not the only person with these things in mind
(Inside of me)
But all that they can see the words revealed
Is the only real thing that I've got left to feel
(Nothing to lose)
Just stuck, hollow and alone
And the fault is my own, and the fault is my own
I wanna heal, I wanna feel
What I thought was never real
I wanna let go of the pain
I've felt so long
(Erase all the pain till it's gone)
I wanna heal, I wanna feel
Like I'm close to something real
I wanna find something I've wanted all along
Somewhere I belong
And I've got nothing to say
I can't believe I didn't fall right down on my face
(I was confused)
Looking everywhere only to find
That it's not the way I had imagined it all in my mind
(So what am I?)
What do I have but negativity?
Cause I can't justify way everyone is looking at me
(Nothing to lose)
Nothing to gain, hollow and alone
And the fault is my own, and the fault is my own
I wanna heal, I wanna feel
What I thought was never real
I wanna let go of the pain
I've felt so long
(Erase all the pain till it's gone)
I wanna heal, I wanna feel
Like I'm close to something real
I wanna find something I've wanted all along
Somewhere I belong
I will never know
Myself until I do this on my own
And I will never feel
Anything else until my wounds are healed
I will never be
Anything till I break away from me
I will break away
I'll find myself today
I wanna heal, I wanna feel
What I thought was never real
I wanna let go of the pain
I've felt so long
(Erase all the pain till it's gone)
I wanna heal, I wanna feel
Like I'm close to something real
I wanna find something I've wanted all along
Somewhere I belong
I wanna heal, I wanna feel
Like I am somewhere I belong
I wanna heal, I wanna feel
Like I am somewhere I belong
Somewhere I belong
Another very dark song that rang very strongly with me. This is just another prime example of the place that I am making my way out of at this point in time. A sense of belonging is something that every human being strives for in lifw. For most of my life I've never felt like I've ever been anywhere that I truly belonged and that is most certainly a very bleak thing. Looking back on the person I was a mere 6 months ago, I see that I was very negative. Not only was I very negative, I was extremely jaded and cynical about just about everything in the world. How are you supposed to be a happy person with that kind of attitude?
Being ostracized by family and peers growing up had a very powerful influence on my perceptions and how I acted. I learned that participation yielded scorn, ridicule and guilt, thus I switched from an attitude of participation to one of observation. If you didn't get involved in things and relationships and merely observed and didn't interact, you didn't get hurt. It's no wonder that I never felt like I belonged anywhere, I was forever observing things as an outsider for fear of appearing vulnerable and getting hurt.
This sort of attitude has proven to be a very difficult one to shed over time. I can honestly say that I am no longer nearly as negative, cynical or jaded as I once was but I still find it difficult to switch from an attitude of observation to interaction. One thing that helped dramatically was my experience at the therapy center that I stayed at for 6 weeks late this Spring and early Summer. It was there that I had the chance to get to know people who had similar problems and attitudes as my own. The more vulnerable I was, the more people there accepted me. It was a very enlightening and gratifying experience for me, for the first time in my life I felt like I truly belonged. Though I do have to admit that there is one yearly experience that I attend that makes me feel the same way, that would be the 3 day Dave Matthews Band concert at the Gorge. Being there with thousands of people that share the passion that I have for the band is liberating every year but it's too short lived and easily forgotten over time.
Feeling like you belong where you live is a very powerful thing as well. When I lived in Bozeman in the 90's I truly came to love the city and almost felt like I belonged there. When I moved to Spokane for my clincal internship that feeling evaporated overnight and forgot what it was like. When I moved to Kauai I hoped that I could regain some of that feeling of belonging....I couldn't have been more incorrect. Though Kauai is a very beautiful place, there is much racial tension between the natives and the white population. This is very understandable since we have literally invaded the Hawaiian islands, filling them up with condominiums and Winter homes. This drives up the price of everything and locals are always crowded out by their more wealthy white counterparts. I wasn't even remotely prepared to deal with the predjudice that I would encounter on the island. The Hawaiian culture is a very beautiful one but it has been tainted by hate and bigotry and this makes me very sad. I felt like I was continually assaulted the entire time I lived there. I'm not saying that it's unbearable and no one should move there, I was just too sensitized to it due to my upbringing.
I've been home for over 3 years now and I had a revelation about a month ago.....I feel like I belong here in Missoula and I'm very happy to feel that way about a place again. I still don't feel like I really fit in very well at work but I'm doing my best to change that attitude over time. I still have a tendency to observe instead of interact with people, I'm doing it now as I sit in the window of my coffee shop watching people go buy. I'm still struggling with making friends, I have most of my life so it's unreasonable to expect that to change overnight. The important thing is that I love it here in Missoula and for the first time in over 10 years, I'm not thinking about where I am going to move next.
A sense of belonging is a very important thing in life and I strive for it everyday. Once again, the important part is that I continue to strive and continue to grow. Being healthy and happy takes a lot of work and it's important to look back on things and see how far you have come. In my case I'm making up for about 38 years of negativity but it's never too late to start and it's always worth doing!
Friday, November 4, 2011
I love pop culture, I hate pop culture, I love geek culture
I've been in my career for just over ten years now and I seem to spend a lot of time reflecting on the person I was back then and who I am now. One thing that I find very interesting is how much different my take on pop culture is now as opposed to how it was ten years ago.
People's view points change as they get older, that is pretty much a fact. Ten years ago I used to work for Hastings Books, Music and Video on the side while I was finishing my clinical internship in Spokane. You could pretty much say that I was pretty immersed in all things pop culture back then. I listened to the music that was cool back then, I watched all the movies that were cool and I still watched a lot of mainstream television. These days I don't even watch television anymore and am lucky if I see more than 5 movies in the theater a year or even rent DVDs. A lot of things have changed in ten years, digital music is now the mainstay of music sales and I buy over 90% of my music off iTunes. Television is now dominated by the phenomenon known as "Reality Television". Words cannot even begin to describe the level of disdain I have for reality television. I could spend an entire blog on just how bad and fake I feel it is and how it's having a negative effect on the American culture as a whole, but I'm just going to leave it at that for now. "Celebrity as Celebrity does" is also supersaturating the entertainment media anymore with far too many people being famous just for being famous, not because they are talented or accomplished in any way shape or form. People actually worship these "Celebrities", hell the entire "E" channel is devoted to nothing but these people and reality television and it really disgusts me.
I really have become disillusioned with pop culture and I have grown up in many ways. I refuse to have my tastes dictated to me largre corporations who prepackage everything from television to music and then tell the American public that they aren't cool if they don't like whatever crap they are selling that particular week. I prefer to go my own way, form my own opinions and place my devotion to things that I feel mean something or are trying to make a difference in the world somehow. All of the above really does feel very negative in nature but it's genuinely how I feel about it and I have decided that the best way for me to stay positive about things is to pretty much unplug as much as possible.
One thing that I am rather happy about is the fact that geek culture is flourishing in this day and age and that it's finally far more socially acceptable to be a geek or nerd. I have to admit that I'm an old school geek/nerd, whatever you want to call it. It just amazes me how much geek culture has gained foothold in mainstream society now. Movies that I thought were awesome back in the 80's are finally getting their due in society. It's no longer considered to be uncouth to be a fan of things like the X-Men or Spiderman. Video games are more popular than ever and show no signs of declining anytime soon.
So while on the one hand, I feel that pop culture has gotten way too out of hand but at the same time I love the fact that geek culture is finally starting to take the stage. I plan on continuing to follow those things that genuinely hold my interest, not because it's cool to do so. I strongly encourage everyone else to look at things in similar fashion and possibly turn a critical eye to the group mentality and show more initiative by going your own way!
People's view points change as they get older, that is pretty much a fact. Ten years ago I used to work for Hastings Books, Music and Video on the side while I was finishing my clinical internship in Spokane. You could pretty much say that I was pretty immersed in all things pop culture back then. I listened to the music that was cool back then, I watched all the movies that were cool and I still watched a lot of mainstream television. These days I don't even watch television anymore and am lucky if I see more than 5 movies in the theater a year or even rent DVDs. A lot of things have changed in ten years, digital music is now the mainstay of music sales and I buy over 90% of my music off iTunes. Television is now dominated by the phenomenon known as "Reality Television". Words cannot even begin to describe the level of disdain I have for reality television. I could spend an entire blog on just how bad and fake I feel it is and how it's having a negative effect on the American culture as a whole, but I'm just going to leave it at that for now. "Celebrity as Celebrity does" is also supersaturating the entertainment media anymore with far too many people being famous just for being famous, not because they are talented or accomplished in any way shape or form. People actually worship these "Celebrities", hell the entire "E" channel is devoted to nothing but these people and reality television and it really disgusts me.
I really have become disillusioned with pop culture and I have grown up in many ways. I refuse to have my tastes dictated to me largre corporations who prepackage everything from television to music and then tell the American public that they aren't cool if they don't like whatever crap they are selling that particular week. I prefer to go my own way, form my own opinions and place my devotion to things that I feel mean something or are trying to make a difference in the world somehow. All of the above really does feel very negative in nature but it's genuinely how I feel about it and I have decided that the best way for me to stay positive about things is to pretty much unplug as much as possible.
One thing that I am rather happy about is the fact that geek culture is flourishing in this day and age and that it's finally far more socially acceptable to be a geek or nerd. I have to admit that I'm an old school geek/nerd, whatever you want to call it. It just amazes me how much geek culture has gained foothold in mainstream society now. Movies that I thought were awesome back in the 80's are finally getting their due in society. It's no longer considered to be uncouth to be a fan of things like the X-Men or Spiderman. Video games are more popular than ever and show no signs of declining anytime soon.
So while on the one hand, I feel that pop culture has gotten way too out of hand but at the same time I love the fact that geek culture is finally starting to take the stage. I plan on continuing to follow those things that genuinely hold my interest, not because it's cool to do so. I strongly encourage everyone else to look at things in similar fashion and possibly turn a critical eye to the group mentality and show more initiative by going your own way!
Wednesday, November 2, 2011
Fear and Loathing in downtown Missoula
It never ceases to amaze me about how clueless I can be about the goings on of the world around me. I came downtown tonight to my usual coffee shop haunt to journal and blog only to find hordes of people milling about the streets dressed up like dead people. The line in the coffee shop was ten times longer than I've ever seen it, but one of the baristas spotted me in the line and asked if I was having my usual (I tip every time when I'm in here so that certainly paid off tonight). I asked him what was going on and he said that it's "The Day of The Dead" and that a parade was going to start in about 30 minutes. Really? That would explain all the people dressed up like dead people standing around expectantly. I had to ask a young college student if she would move her stuff off an empty chair in the window, she gave me a withering look like I had large, herpes infected pustules ready to erupt at any moment on my face but she moved her stuff for me so I could have my preferred window seat for people watching. I got my journaling done and now the parade is streaming past. Wow, I didn't know they made inflatable, buffalo shaped sex toys as large as a bus these days. I have no idea what you would do with such a thing or what it has to do with dead people, but one just went by. There goes a woman with a rainbow, lightup hula hoop, I don't even think I would have to be high to enjoy a hip gyrating performance of that. It never ceases to amaze me the places people will bring their dogs in public. I see two couples together with 4 very large dogs standing out there. If I brought the terrierists to this sort of thing, I'm pretty sure that they would find a way to set fire to the parade and wreack havoc upon an unsuspecting crowd. Hey look, there's that woman who works at Target that looks EXACTLY like my ex-wife. I swear she's in there every time I'm in Target, I can feel her watching me, I think she's stalking me. Maybe I should marry her so she kind find her true love in the bridal party just like my last wife did. That wasn't cynical, I'm a great matchmaker in that respect. Well, I think I'm going to enjoy the rest of the parade and stop the "Fear and Loathing".
Saturday, October 29, 2011
Halloween is about sex......and stuff.
After the last post I thought I had better give some somewhat humerous, cultural commentary on Halloween....
So here I sit in the front window at my favorite coffee shop in downtown Missoula watching college kids walk past all dressed up in Halloween regalia and a thought pops into my mind....Halloween is all about sex! At least from the adult standpoint......
Think about it, why do people get all dressed up in all manner of silly attire on Halloween? It's simply to get laid! Seriously, how many woman do see see dressed up all scantily in far much less clothing than they normally would be seen in public? I've seen plenty in the hour and a half I've been sitting here. What's more fun than getting all dressed up weird, going out, getting hammered and then having freaky costumed sex afterwards? Not much....unless you are a regular attendee of furry conventions across the globe (google "Furry" and you will see what I mean) I'm totally missing the boat here, I'm going to have to be prepared for next year since I'm going to be 40 then and your sex life pretty much ends soon after the big 4-0.
I've seen some truly great costumes tongight too......A group of five people just walked by all dressed as characters from the movie "Fifth Element", including a Ruby Rodd complete with white hair and the tubular protrusion to go with it. Another guy just walked by dressed as a hot dog, if he had been on a skateboard like in the "Jackass"movies, I would have been more impressed. I've seen all manners of cross dressing, faeries, unicorns, a zombie or two, the entire cast of "The Flintstones", numerous characters from "Sesame Street" and "The Muppet Show", "Eddie" the longtime mascot for Iron Maiden and last but not least, woman dressed like prostitutes. I'm not sure the last examples are costumes or what kids normally wear to the bars these days, I am an old fart with no social life after all. Oh wait, there goes a "Dick in the Box" guy, nice one (google that one too if you aren't aware of that sensation either).Tonight's winner of BEST COSTUME EVER goes to a young woman who went by dressed as Chung Li from the perenially popular "Street Fighter" video games. Congratulations young lady, you made this old nerd's entire week!
The last minute runner up is the woman dressed as a cherry bomb who just now walked by....I'd be happy to light your fuse for you!
So here I sit in the front window at my favorite coffee shop in downtown Missoula watching college kids walk past all dressed up in Halloween regalia and a thought pops into my mind....Halloween is all about sex! At least from the adult standpoint......
Think about it, why do people get all dressed up in all manner of silly attire on Halloween? It's simply to get laid! Seriously, how many woman do see see dressed up all scantily in far much less clothing than they normally would be seen in public? I've seen plenty in the hour and a half I've been sitting here. What's more fun than getting all dressed up weird, going out, getting hammered and then having freaky costumed sex afterwards? Not much....unless you are a regular attendee of furry conventions across the globe (google "Furry" and you will see what I mean) I'm totally missing the boat here, I'm going to have to be prepared for next year since I'm going to be 40 then and your sex life pretty much ends soon after the big 4-0.
I've seen some truly great costumes tongight too......A group of five people just walked by all dressed as characters from the movie "Fifth Element", including a Ruby Rodd complete with white hair and the tubular protrusion to go with it. Another guy just walked by dressed as a hot dog, if he had been on a skateboard like in the "Jackass"movies, I would have been more impressed. I've seen all manners of cross dressing, faeries, unicorns, a zombie or two, the entire cast of "The Flintstones", numerous characters from "Sesame Street" and "The Muppet Show", "Eddie" the longtime mascot for Iron Maiden and last but not least, woman dressed like prostitutes. I'm not sure the last examples are costumes or what kids normally wear to the bars these days, I am an old fart with no social life after all. Oh wait, there goes a "Dick in the Box" guy, nice one (google that one too if you aren't aware of that sensation either).Tonight's winner of BEST COSTUME EVER goes to a young woman who went by dressed as Chung Li from the perenially popular "Street Fighter" video games. Congratulations young lady, you made this old nerd's entire week!
The last minute runner up is the woman dressed as a cherry bomb who just now walked by....I'd be happy to light your fuse for you!
Hope is a very powerful thing!
There is a Dave Matthews Band song by the name of "Rhyme and Reaon" that always struck a very strong cord with me for reasons that will be apparent below:
Rhyme and Reason
Oh well oh well so here we stand, But we stand for nothing
My heart calls to me in my sleep, How can I turn to it?
'Cause I'm all locked up in this Dark place - and I do not know
I'm good as dead, My head aches - warped and tied up, I need to kill this pain
My head won't leave my head alone, And I don't believe it will 'Til I'm dead and gone
My head won't leave my head alone, And I don't believe it will 'Til I'm six feet under ground
How long I'm tied up, My mind in knots - my stomach reels
In concern for what I might do or What I've done, It's got me living in fear,
Well I know these voices must Be my soul
I've had enough, I've had enough Of being alone
I've got no place to go
. . . In my grave
Lying wired shut and quiet in my grave
Leave me here
Leave it to me to waste here
So young here I am again, Talking to myself
A t.v. blares
Oh man oh how I wish I didn't smoke Or drink to reason with my head
But sometimes this thick confusion Grows until I cannot bare it all
Needle to the vein, Needle to the vein
Take this needle from my vein my friend
. . . In my grave
Lying lying cold in my grave
Reason - my reason
Take my head off this terror
I'm fearing I'll come back
I'll see
My mind's all wiped clean
The needle
Make my great escape
I'll see the cold in time
My head leaves me behind
Let me fade away
I seem caught in time, My head leaves me behind
Body falls cold, And I see heaven
This song wll always be in my top 5 Dave Matthews Band songs ever. Why would such a dark song reside in my top five in the ere of the "new me" though? Allow me to explain myself....
Before this journey of discovery my life had been slowly spiraling out of control over the course of a 5 year period. Things were certainly better before that, but I always felt I had this dark spectre following me wherever I went. This song pretty much sums up exactly how I felt at the very moment last May when I began cutting myself. I felt I was going to alone forever, that my problems were too insurmountable and that they were never going to end. I was in that "Dark Place" and truly "My Head Won't Leave My Head Alone". I wanted this song to be played at my funeral so that everyone could truly have known how I felt at that exact moment when I took my life. I was that song and that song was me, literally.
Fortunately things didn't come to pass as I had originally intended and I sitting here writing this blog today due to the help that I received. Now, the reason why this song remains so powerful to me is because it is a constant reminder of just how low I went and how far I have come in the last 5 months. I need that reminder, not to identify with it but to draw inspiration from it. It's a been there, done that, never going back sort of thing. I am armed with something that I don't think I've ever had in my life before......hope. I have hope, finally. I now know that I am not unique in my problems, there are people who have far worse problems in life than I do that still manage to live healthy and happy lives. I know now that I am indeed a likeable and loveable person, that I do indeed deserve happiness and there probably really is someone out there for me, I just have to have the courage to move foreword. Hope is such a poweful thing, all it requires from me is a positive attitude and a healthy dose of mindfulness. I am going to stumble at times, there will be dark times ahead but they won't be as bad as what I've been through. Through all of this I will keep my hope and because of that I won't have to live through "Rhyme and Reason" again.
Rhyme and Reason
Oh well oh well so here we stand, But we stand for nothing
My heart calls to me in my sleep, How can I turn to it?
'Cause I'm all locked up in this Dark place - and I do not know
I'm good as dead, My head aches - warped and tied up, I need to kill this pain
My head won't leave my head alone, And I don't believe it will 'Til I'm dead and gone
My head won't leave my head alone, And I don't believe it will 'Til I'm six feet under ground
How long I'm tied up, My mind in knots - my stomach reels
In concern for what I might do or What I've done, It's got me living in fear,
Well I know these voices must Be my soul
I've had enough, I've had enough Of being alone
I've got no place to go
. . . In my grave
Lying wired shut and quiet in my grave
Leave me here
Leave it to me to waste here
So young here I am again, Talking to myself
A t.v. blares
Oh man oh how I wish I didn't smoke Or drink to reason with my head
But sometimes this thick confusion Grows until I cannot bare it all
Needle to the vein, Needle to the vein
Take this needle from my vein my friend
. . . In my grave
Lying lying cold in my grave
Reason - my reason
Take my head off this terror
I'm fearing I'll come back
I'll see
My mind's all wiped clean
The needle
Make my great escape
I'll see the cold in time
My head leaves me behind
Let me fade away
I seem caught in time, My head leaves me behind
Body falls cold, And I see heaven
This song wll always be in my top 5 Dave Matthews Band songs ever. Why would such a dark song reside in my top five in the ere of the "new me" though? Allow me to explain myself....
Before this journey of discovery my life had been slowly spiraling out of control over the course of a 5 year period. Things were certainly better before that, but I always felt I had this dark spectre following me wherever I went. This song pretty much sums up exactly how I felt at the very moment last May when I began cutting myself. I felt I was going to alone forever, that my problems were too insurmountable and that they were never going to end. I was in that "Dark Place" and truly "My Head Won't Leave My Head Alone". I wanted this song to be played at my funeral so that everyone could truly have known how I felt at that exact moment when I took my life. I was that song and that song was me, literally.
Fortunately things didn't come to pass as I had originally intended and I sitting here writing this blog today due to the help that I received. Now, the reason why this song remains so powerful to me is because it is a constant reminder of just how low I went and how far I have come in the last 5 months. I need that reminder, not to identify with it but to draw inspiration from it. It's a been there, done that, never going back sort of thing. I am armed with something that I don't think I've ever had in my life before......hope. I have hope, finally. I now know that I am not unique in my problems, there are people who have far worse problems in life than I do that still manage to live healthy and happy lives. I know now that I am indeed a likeable and loveable person, that I do indeed deserve happiness and there probably really is someone out there for me, I just have to have the courage to move foreword. Hope is such a poweful thing, all it requires from me is a positive attitude and a healthy dose of mindfulness. I am going to stumble at times, there will be dark times ahead but they won't be as bad as what I've been through. Through all of this I will keep my hope and because of that I won't have to live through "Rhyme and Reason" again.
Thursday, October 27, 2011
What is it with energy drinks anyway?
I was journaling at my usual haunt tonight I saw a guy walk by chugging down one of those five hour energy drinks. It of course got me thinking about what the big deal it is with those things anyway. I've never used the things myself since they are mainly highly concentrated sugar water with a high dose of caffeine. Are we so addicted to caffeine as a society that we need higher and higher doses just to get us through the day? Combat lethargy, drink pure caffeine and have your first heart attack at fifteen today! Diabetes and heart attacks, sounds like I'm really missing out here. Trust me, I'm doing the world a favor by not imbibing these cocktails of stamina. I've essentially been caffeine free all of my life and rather an animated fellow without the help of any stimulants. Shit, if I even tried coffee I'd hate to see what would happen. Hithereilikecracklotsandlotsofcrack!!Doyoulikecrack? I AM CORNHOLIO, I NEED TP FOR MY BUNGHOLE!.....or something like that I'm sure. I wouldn't be surprised if the damn things are linked to male pattern baldness and impotence. cheers and drink up for me!
Wednesday, October 26, 2011
Loyalty, blind devotion and other musings......
I don't know why but the subject of loyalty has been on my mind a lot lately. I think it has a lot to do with a situation at work that I won't elaborate any further on. Loyalty is a very important thing with me, I don't give it very readily and when I do, it is usually with gusto.
Take my obsession with the Dave Matthews Band for instance. I have been an absolutely rabid fan of the bad for about eight and a half years now. That's actually not a very long time since the band originally burst on the scene back in 1994. I am very wary of fads so an artist has to be around a long time before I really start to give them credit as not being a "flash in the pan". Once I learned more about the band, their music and what they stood for, I really felt a connection to them. About twelve shows later and numerous annual trips to the gorge later and I'm still extremely loyal to the band. In fact, I don't think I've ever been as loyal to anything else as long as this with the exceptions of Elfquest, James Bond and Star Trek.
Loyalty to musical artists and other pop culture phenomenon is one thing but I've really been thinking about is loyalty in in friendship, family matters and relationships. I've never been very close with anyone in my family (though I'm trying with my father) so familial loyalty is something that I don't fully understand. That doesn't mean that I'm not loyal to my family, I just don't understand it as well as I should. As far as friendships go, as soon as someone gets past my initial barriers and demonstrates that they are a trustworthy person, I become extremely loyal to the. And consider the to be family in a way. This sometimes leads to some bad decisions, hurt feelings and misunderstandings when things aren't necessarily reciprocated.
Recently during my times of extreme duress, I learned the hard way once again that I have to be careful who I'm loyal to and ultimately who I trust. I have also learned that there are those to whom I'm loyal to that deserve far more than I could possibly give to them. On the bad side, I was betrayed and manipulated by the person whom I trusted the and was most loyal to. The dust is still settling on that whole debacle and I still find myself at a loss as to what really transpired. To add insult to injury, people who I thought were my close friends either abandoned me or took the opportunity to take a parting shot at me. These instances were sobering and hurtful to say the least but that wasn't the whole story. Other friends rallied around me, demonstrated how much they care for me and helped me find the help I needed to begin my life anew. I will always be fiercely loyal to these friends and hope that I will be able to pay them the kindness that they have paid me. I feel very fortunate to know these people and have them in my life.
As things move foreward, I have to be careful to refrain from being cynical and jaded towards making new friends and showing them who I really am. My time away at the treatment facility introduced me to some very wonderful people who share some of the same problems that I do and I came away with some friends to whom I will be fiercely loyal to the rest of my life. Entering into a new relationship may be painful and needs to be slow but I'll cross that bridge when I get there. Loyalty continues to be a very important concept to despite what has happened in the past. People may not always understand my actions but when the chips are down, I will always be there for those who do command my loyalty.
Take my obsession with the Dave Matthews Band for instance. I have been an absolutely rabid fan of the bad for about eight and a half years now. That's actually not a very long time since the band originally burst on the scene back in 1994. I am very wary of fads so an artist has to be around a long time before I really start to give them credit as not being a "flash in the pan". Once I learned more about the band, their music and what they stood for, I really felt a connection to them. About twelve shows later and numerous annual trips to the gorge later and I'm still extremely loyal to the band. In fact, I don't think I've ever been as loyal to anything else as long as this with the exceptions of Elfquest, James Bond and Star Trek.
Loyalty to musical artists and other pop culture phenomenon is one thing but I've really been thinking about is loyalty in in friendship, family matters and relationships. I've never been very close with anyone in my family (though I'm trying with my father) so familial loyalty is something that I don't fully understand. That doesn't mean that I'm not loyal to my family, I just don't understand it as well as I should. As far as friendships go, as soon as someone gets past my initial barriers and demonstrates that they are a trustworthy person, I become extremely loyal to the. And consider the to be family in a way. This sometimes leads to some bad decisions, hurt feelings and misunderstandings when things aren't necessarily reciprocated.
Recently during my times of extreme duress, I learned the hard way once again that I have to be careful who I'm loyal to and ultimately who I trust. I have also learned that there are those to whom I'm loyal to that deserve far more than I could possibly give to them. On the bad side, I was betrayed and manipulated by the person whom I trusted the and was most loyal to. The dust is still settling on that whole debacle and I still find myself at a loss as to what really transpired. To add insult to injury, people who I thought were my close friends either abandoned me or took the opportunity to take a parting shot at me. These instances were sobering and hurtful to say the least but that wasn't the whole story. Other friends rallied around me, demonstrated how much they care for me and helped me find the help I needed to begin my life anew. I will always be fiercely loyal to these friends and hope that I will be able to pay them the kindness that they have paid me. I feel very fortunate to know these people and have them in my life.
As things move foreward, I have to be careful to refrain from being cynical and jaded towards making new friends and showing them who I really am. My time away at the treatment facility introduced me to some very wonderful people who share some of the same problems that I do and I came away with some friends to whom I will be fiercely loyal to the rest of my life. Entering into a new relationship may be painful and needs to be slow but I'll cross that bridge when I get there. Loyalty continues to be a very important concept to despite what has happened in the past. People may not always understand my actions but when the chips are down, I will always be there for those who do command my loyalty.
Sunday, October 23, 2011
Shock and awe on the trail and an introduction to "The Push Of Shame"!
Today I was riding my mountain bike up the slopes of Blue Mountain, huffing and puffing my way while trying to keep JackJack from getting into small scuffles with other dogs, as he is prone to do frequently, and this younger woman comes riding by me on the trail......on a skinny tire road bike. This wasn't just a road bike, it was a race bike, the kind that crazy people ride in triathlons. What's really weird about this is that I was riding up the mountain.....on a bumpy, non-paved hiking trail. Why in the world would you take a very expensive road bike up an off road trail? I was very perplexed at this behavior, not to mention the fact that she went by me like I was standing still. Of course road bikes weigh far less than my full suspension mountain bike and the skinny tires roll much easier than mountain bike tires so I didn't feel too bad for looking like a portly old geezer for once. The thing that amuses me is that she asked if the trail we were on at the time loops back around to the parking lot. I told her it does and that it gets far more rocky and steep towards the bottom, definitely not road bike terrain. Now, I've blown tires up this trail with my heavy duty mountain bike tires and she's riding on tires that are far more prone to flats, even on roads. How she planned on getting down with both tires intact was not exactly obvious, not to mention what kind of damage she was going to do to her ass riding on a very rigid bike. Unfortunately my path for the day veered off to head directly up the mountain so I didn't get to see how this debacle ended. Bummer and double bummer since she was rather comely.
You just never know what you are going to see on the trails around here and this isn't the first time I've found someone's antics to be amusing. About 6 weeks ago I was riding at the same location and just left the trailhead when this guy pointedly passes me on his cheap, hybrid crossover bike. This bike is better suited to off-road use but still isn't the type bike you want to ride on the trails that I ride. I rode another half mile and he was pulled over on the side of the trail and wanted to know where the trails went. I told him it really depended on which trail you take as to the distance and degree of difficulty. He was rather proud of himself for having passed me when earlier, not knowing that I was still in my warmup phase before things started to get steep. He told me he was just going to follow me and see where I went on my way up. It should be noted at this time that this guy had no helmet and obviously had no previous experience with mountain biking. Slightly annoyed with him, I decided that I was just going to ignore him for the rest of my ride. Fifteen minutes later when the slope decides to get serious, I glanced back to see where the dogs were and I saw him about 100 yards behind me.....walking his bike up trail with a determined look on his face. I figuered he was going to get the hint that he wasn't prepared for this trail and went on my way, turning onto another trail that gets rather strenuous and technical in spots. Ten minutes and two switchbacks later and I look down the mountain and see him again, still pushing his bike up the first switchback, though he was looking far more dejected at this point in time.. There is no way in hell I would ride down this trail without a helmet, let alone on the bike he was riding but he kept on following me. Eventually I got so far ahead of him that I couldn't see him anymore so once again, I didn't get to see the end of this debacle. It's just so funny to me because this guy was so pleased that he had passed a "Hardcore" mountain biker (which I really don't consider myself as) on his cheap ass bike with no helmet, only to end up biting off far more than he could chew, resorting to what I like to call "The Push of Shame" (that being where the trail gets so tough that you have to shamefully dismount your bike and push it up the hill). There weren't any cases of head trauma from a mountain biking accident in the ER that day that I know of so he must have made his way down in one piece somehow, though I'm sure he has a greater appreciation of what a near middle aged, portly guy with the right kind of equipment can do. Don't mess with NoJoN people!
You just never know what you are going to see on the trails around here and this isn't the first time I've found someone's antics to be amusing. About 6 weeks ago I was riding at the same location and just left the trailhead when this guy pointedly passes me on his cheap, hybrid crossover bike. This bike is better suited to off-road use but still isn't the type bike you want to ride on the trails that I ride. I rode another half mile and he was pulled over on the side of the trail and wanted to know where the trails went. I told him it really depended on which trail you take as to the distance and degree of difficulty. He was rather proud of himself for having passed me when earlier, not knowing that I was still in my warmup phase before things started to get steep. He told me he was just going to follow me and see where I went on my way up. It should be noted at this time that this guy had no helmet and obviously had no previous experience with mountain biking. Slightly annoyed with him, I decided that I was just going to ignore him for the rest of my ride. Fifteen minutes later when the slope decides to get serious, I glanced back to see where the dogs were and I saw him about 100 yards behind me.....walking his bike up trail with a determined look on his face. I figuered he was going to get the hint that he wasn't prepared for this trail and went on my way, turning onto another trail that gets rather strenuous and technical in spots. Ten minutes and two switchbacks later and I look down the mountain and see him again, still pushing his bike up the first switchback, though he was looking far more dejected at this point in time.. There is no way in hell I would ride down this trail without a helmet, let alone on the bike he was riding but he kept on following me. Eventually I got so far ahead of him that I couldn't see him anymore so once again, I didn't get to see the end of this debacle. It's just so funny to me because this guy was so pleased that he had passed a "Hardcore" mountain biker (which I really don't consider myself as) on his cheap ass bike with no helmet, only to end up biting off far more than he could chew, resorting to what I like to call "The Push of Shame" (that being where the trail gets so tough that you have to shamefully dismount your bike and push it up the hill). There weren't any cases of head trauma from a mountain biking accident in the ER that day that I know of so he must have made his way down in one piece somehow, though I'm sure he has a greater appreciation of what a near middle aged, portly guy with the right kind of equipment can do. Don't mess with NoJoN people!
Saturday, October 22, 2011
Mid life crisis?
So, I guess I've either entered or am very close to entering that "mid life" stage of my existence. That's great and everything but the problem is that I absolutely refuse to grow up! I look at all these people who are close to my age and it seems like they are all far more grown up or mature than I am. This doesn't bother me at all but I just find it interesting. The fact that I'm not married, don't have kids and don't own my own home has a lot to do with this I'm sure. I just don't want to act like I'm nearly 40!
I talked a little bit about the identity issue that I face earlier this week and I suppose this ties into that a great deal, this quandry into the subject is a great deal more light hearted though. I kind of sit in an awkward position as far as the demographics of people that I spend the majority of my time with, that being those people that I work with. Half of our work force in the laboratory is close to their retirements age, whereas the other half is in their late 20's and early 30's. I have a tendency to view the older crowd in the lab as a bunch of "fuddy duddys". There really isn't a whole lot of socialization or personality going on there. We have 2 genuine "crazy cat ladys", a gentleman who seems to be in a perpetual state of glum and another woman who insists on being the lab martyr. The younger crowd is far more diverse and normalized (well, about as normalized as a bunch of anal retentive laboratorians can be...I do not consider myself to be in this "normalized" bunch in any way shape or form though). A few already have kids and they just seem to act far more mature than I do. I concede that I don't really act like your typical 39 year old (if there really is such a thing) and I would guess that the age that I appear to be really be is around 30. I may not act like a mature 39 year old all the time but I can say that I have an "old soul" and have probably about as much life experience as someone ten years older than I am.
This brings up the old identity issue again because I really have no idea where I seem to belong. I'm very comfortable with people my own age and older but I always seem to relate better to those who are younger than I am. I spend a great deal of time at one of the coffee shops downtown trying to blend in with the Apple computer using, fancy latte drinking hipsters from the university (I drink sugar free cocoa or chai though). I write in my journal, blog on my iPad (hey look at me, I'm hip, I'm cool....I have an iPad) and generally spend a lot of time watching people. Watching people in downtown Missoula is never dull......you literally never know what you are going to see. Anything goes here in the fashion department, just last week I saw a guy walking down the street with gold latex hot pants on. There is also a hot yoga studio just down the street from the coffee shop and I observe quite a few women all dressed up in hip yoga attire, mats strung across their backs's, coming and going from there. I have come to the conclusion that yoga either makes women smoking hot or only smoking hot women engage in yoga. I'm not sure about either hypothesis so more data needs to gathered and analyzed on the subject. The best "anything goes in Missoula" attire would have to be the the twentysomething woman I saw walking down the street in a black thong leotard, neon pink tights and baggy sweater half off the shouder 'ala Flashdance. I haven't seen that kind of outfit since the late 80's. She wore it proudly and I must say she wore it well though.
Another thing that I have noticed is that it's hip to have a beat up old street bicycle for you to totter around on in a lazy fashion (often while listening to one's iPod). It's so popular here that I see women riding in short skirts all the time. The more torn up the bike is, the more fashionable it is to be seen riding it. My street bike is still very brand new and isn't beat up at all so I guess I don't rate as a hipster in that category. As far as vehicles go though, I am very hip according to Missoula standards. As with street bikes, the more worn your vehicle looks, the more hip it is perceived to be. Granted, even though the offical vehicle of Missoula, Montana is the Subaru wagon and I drive a Mazda 3 wagon, my car is very, very hip. My car started out life as an immaculate, got washed and cleaned every week, titanium grey sports wagon. No four legged animal was even remotely allowed anywhere near my baby. Moving to Kauai changed all of that overnight. JackJack was riding in the car with me nearly everyday on our trips to the beach or to the often muddy trail that we hiked or mountain biked. To this day I still can't believe there are NO self serve car washes on the ENTIRE island. There are car vacuums at every gas station there but they are all broken because they are clogged with sand from the beaches all over the island. If you are going to have a vacuum at a gas station on Kauai, it has to be broken or you aren't really a local. Soon enough, my car was filled with dog hair and about half of a ton of sand from the various exploits I had on Kauai. Couple with that the fact that I left my sunroof open one night when we got over 20 inches of rain in a 24 hour period (I'm not exaggerating and that whole affair is a story for another time), not to mention the various dings and scratches in my car, and it looks sufficiently worn. Add all of the Dave Matthews Band and Hawaii stickers, a rooftop Yakima rack with bike attachments and a rocket box and you have a regular old Missoula hipstermobile.
Sigh....I'm meandering quite a bit today. So where do I fit in? I have no idea, though I'm guessing that I really do better with a younger crowd. Maybe I can make it cool to be that old guy who hangs out with people 10 years younger than he is.....or I can just be that creepy guy sitting in the hipster coffee shop pretending like he's hip and cool drooling over the yoga women walking by all day.....only time with tell!
I talked a little bit about the identity issue that I face earlier this week and I suppose this ties into that a great deal, this quandry into the subject is a great deal more light hearted though. I kind of sit in an awkward position as far as the demographics of people that I spend the majority of my time with, that being those people that I work with. Half of our work force in the laboratory is close to their retirements age, whereas the other half is in their late 20's and early 30's. I have a tendency to view the older crowd in the lab as a bunch of "fuddy duddys". There really isn't a whole lot of socialization or personality going on there. We have 2 genuine "crazy cat ladys", a gentleman who seems to be in a perpetual state of glum and another woman who insists on being the lab martyr. The younger crowd is far more diverse and normalized (well, about as normalized as a bunch of anal retentive laboratorians can be...I do not consider myself to be in this "normalized" bunch in any way shape or form though). A few already have kids and they just seem to act far more mature than I do. I concede that I don't really act like your typical 39 year old (if there really is such a thing) and I would guess that the age that I appear to be really be is around 30. I may not act like a mature 39 year old all the time but I can say that I have an "old soul" and have probably about as much life experience as someone ten years older than I am.
This brings up the old identity issue again because I really have no idea where I seem to belong. I'm very comfortable with people my own age and older but I always seem to relate better to those who are younger than I am. I spend a great deal of time at one of the coffee shops downtown trying to blend in with the Apple computer using, fancy latte drinking hipsters from the university (I drink sugar free cocoa or chai though). I write in my journal, blog on my iPad (hey look at me, I'm hip, I'm cool....I have an iPad) and generally spend a lot of time watching people. Watching people in downtown Missoula is never dull......you literally never know what you are going to see. Anything goes here in the fashion department, just last week I saw a guy walking down the street with gold latex hot pants on. There is also a hot yoga studio just down the street from the coffee shop and I observe quite a few women all dressed up in hip yoga attire, mats strung across their backs's, coming and going from there. I have come to the conclusion that yoga either makes women smoking hot or only smoking hot women engage in yoga. I'm not sure about either hypothesis so more data needs to gathered and analyzed on the subject. The best "anything goes in Missoula" attire would have to be the the twentysomething woman I saw walking down the street in a black thong leotard, neon pink tights and baggy sweater half off the shouder 'ala Flashdance. I haven't seen that kind of outfit since the late 80's. She wore it proudly and I must say she wore it well though.
Another thing that I have noticed is that it's hip to have a beat up old street bicycle for you to totter around on in a lazy fashion (often while listening to one's iPod). It's so popular here that I see women riding in short skirts all the time. The more torn up the bike is, the more fashionable it is to be seen riding it. My street bike is still very brand new and isn't beat up at all so I guess I don't rate as a hipster in that category. As far as vehicles go though, I am very hip according to Missoula standards. As with street bikes, the more worn your vehicle looks, the more hip it is perceived to be. Granted, even though the offical vehicle of Missoula, Montana is the Subaru wagon and I drive a Mazda 3 wagon, my car is very, very hip. My car started out life as an immaculate, got washed and cleaned every week, titanium grey sports wagon. No four legged animal was even remotely allowed anywhere near my baby. Moving to Kauai changed all of that overnight. JackJack was riding in the car with me nearly everyday on our trips to the beach or to the often muddy trail that we hiked or mountain biked. To this day I still can't believe there are NO self serve car washes on the ENTIRE island. There are car vacuums at every gas station there but they are all broken because they are clogged with sand from the beaches all over the island. If you are going to have a vacuum at a gas station on Kauai, it has to be broken or you aren't really a local. Soon enough, my car was filled with dog hair and about half of a ton of sand from the various exploits I had on Kauai. Couple with that the fact that I left my sunroof open one night when we got over 20 inches of rain in a 24 hour period (I'm not exaggerating and that whole affair is a story for another time), not to mention the various dings and scratches in my car, and it looks sufficiently worn. Add all of the Dave Matthews Band and Hawaii stickers, a rooftop Yakima rack with bike attachments and a rocket box and you have a regular old Missoula hipstermobile.
Sigh....I'm meandering quite a bit today. So where do I fit in? I have no idea, though I'm guessing that I really do better with a younger crowd. Maybe I can make it cool to be that old guy who hangs out with people 10 years younger than he is.....or I can just be that creepy guy sitting in the hipster coffee shop pretending like he's hip and cool drooling over the yoga women walking by all day.....only time with tell!
Wednesday, October 19, 2011
Just who the hell is this NoJoN guy anyway?
Imagine that one day someone comes up to you and says,"Guess what? Everything that you been told, know and think about yourself is a lie!". If someone actually told you that, what would you say? More importantly, what would you think? Well, one day about 5 months ago someone actually said that to me. Not only did this person (who happens to be a Doctor) tell me that but he also told me that I had to learn a completely different language (in a sense).
You see I was brought up in a household where I was treated far worse than most people treat their pets. I was not loved, I was not comforted, I was not protected and I most certainly was not nurtured. This is not some sob story designed to gain sympathy from people because there are cases that are far, far worse than anything that I experienced growing up. What I'm getting at is that due to the way that I was treated in our household, I was received what could only be described as programming. This programming formed the foundation of how I viewed myself and all the interactions that I had with people up until the very moment that I was told that I had to learn a new language. That new language is the language of loving myself and believing that I am a good person. Um....okay, seems easy enough......NOT!
So this really begs the question, "Just who the hell am I?". I literally always believed that there was something wrong with me and that's why I was treated in the manner that I was by various members of my family. That is a very powerful message to grow up with, this led to deductions like "No one likes or understands me.", "There is something wrong with me.", and "I'm always going to be alone because I don't deserve to be loved.". These aren't conscious thoughts either, these are so natural to me that I still struggle with them today. It was so automatic for me, I never questioned it....ever...until about 5 months ago. So, I have to learn this new language but to really begin, I have to figure out who I am in the first place. Everyday I wake up and I have to be mindful of random thoughts that come into my head. I have to ask myself, "Is this really me or is this just my programming telling me what to think?". I'm not going to lie to you, it's really hard. Where does the programming end and where do I begin? Which thoughts are actually my own? More difficult still, which thoughts are correct? Am I a good person or am I a bad one?
This has created a bit of an identity crisis for me. I want very much to love me and accept myself for who I am but I really have no idea who that is. I can tell you things like I'm a huge Dave Matthews Band fan, I'm extremely liberal, I love all things science fiction, I wish I was more of a hippie, my dogs are the most important people in the whole world to me and I seem to have a predisposition for sports that involve going downhill at high rates of speed and crashing. None of that tells me how I feel about myself though. People do say that I am a nice guy and everything but that really doesn't matter if I don't believe it myself. I will say that I have made a fair number of steps toward a more balanced view of myself but there are still significant hurdles in my path. Bumping into my ex-girlfriend at DMB at the Gorge this year really dealt me a significant blow. About this time last year things go so out of hand in our relationship and I was manipulated so badly that I actually have a 4 inch long self inflicted scar on my right arm. Lisa and her family took my existing programming and threw it into meltdown. I have no idea how badly I was manipulated but occasionally I have an "AHA" moment of clarity and I am truly staggered. I still have such a hard time even accepting that people could be so cruel and that I didn't deserve anything that was thrust upon me during that 6 month period. I'm never going to know the truth and that really bothers me! Was I really the best person I could be in the situation? I don't know and it doesn't matter......but it does matter to me. That is the problem, that is my programming talking there. My programming wants to know the real situation because it refuses to believe that I didn't deserve exactly what I got. I hate it so much! I just want to know so I can make my own judgement! Nothing is what it seems..ever...and that's what makes it so hard!
I have to be very careful at this point in time so I don't fall back into old patterns. I am doing much better but I am struggling at this point. The important thing is that I do struggle though. Struggling means that I am at least questioning the automatic thoughts that pop into my head on a daily basis. Struggling means I am trying and not giving up. I am in a very vulnerable position right now, the weather is changing and that means no more mountain biking in the near future. I have a good group of friends but with two exceptions, none of them live here in Missoula so my support system is not where I would like it to be. I am doing fairly well at work but there is absolutely no positive feedback present there and there are very few people who I can trust and who actually know my story. I refuse to give up though, I have to stay as positive as I possibly can be against all odds. I can do this, it isn't going to be easy but I can do it. It's going to take some long, hard work but I'm going to find out who this NoJoN person is....and in the end, I will love him.
You see I was brought up in a household where I was treated far worse than most people treat their pets. I was not loved, I was not comforted, I was not protected and I most certainly was not nurtured. This is not some sob story designed to gain sympathy from people because there are cases that are far, far worse than anything that I experienced growing up. What I'm getting at is that due to the way that I was treated in our household, I was received what could only be described as programming. This programming formed the foundation of how I viewed myself and all the interactions that I had with people up until the very moment that I was told that I had to learn a new language. That new language is the language of loving myself and believing that I am a good person. Um....okay, seems easy enough......NOT!
So this really begs the question, "Just who the hell am I?". I literally always believed that there was something wrong with me and that's why I was treated in the manner that I was by various members of my family. That is a very powerful message to grow up with, this led to deductions like "No one likes or understands me.", "There is something wrong with me.", and "I'm always going to be alone because I don't deserve to be loved.". These aren't conscious thoughts either, these are so natural to me that I still struggle with them today. It was so automatic for me, I never questioned it....ever...until about 5 months ago. So, I have to learn this new language but to really begin, I have to figure out who I am in the first place. Everyday I wake up and I have to be mindful of random thoughts that come into my head. I have to ask myself, "Is this really me or is this just my programming telling me what to think?". I'm not going to lie to you, it's really hard. Where does the programming end and where do I begin? Which thoughts are actually my own? More difficult still, which thoughts are correct? Am I a good person or am I a bad one?
This has created a bit of an identity crisis for me. I want very much to love me and accept myself for who I am but I really have no idea who that is. I can tell you things like I'm a huge Dave Matthews Band fan, I'm extremely liberal, I love all things science fiction, I wish I was more of a hippie, my dogs are the most important people in the whole world to me and I seem to have a predisposition for sports that involve going downhill at high rates of speed and crashing. None of that tells me how I feel about myself though. People do say that I am a nice guy and everything but that really doesn't matter if I don't believe it myself. I will say that I have made a fair number of steps toward a more balanced view of myself but there are still significant hurdles in my path. Bumping into my ex-girlfriend at DMB at the Gorge this year really dealt me a significant blow. About this time last year things go so out of hand in our relationship and I was manipulated so badly that I actually have a 4 inch long self inflicted scar on my right arm. Lisa and her family took my existing programming and threw it into meltdown. I have no idea how badly I was manipulated but occasionally I have an "AHA" moment of clarity and I am truly staggered. I still have such a hard time even accepting that people could be so cruel and that I didn't deserve anything that was thrust upon me during that 6 month period. I'm never going to know the truth and that really bothers me! Was I really the best person I could be in the situation? I don't know and it doesn't matter......but it does matter to me. That is the problem, that is my programming talking there. My programming wants to know the real situation because it refuses to believe that I didn't deserve exactly what I got. I hate it so much! I just want to know so I can make my own judgement! Nothing is what it seems..ever...and that's what makes it so hard!
I have to be very careful at this point in time so I don't fall back into old patterns. I am doing much better but I am struggling at this point. The important thing is that I do struggle though. Struggling means that I am at least questioning the automatic thoughts that pop into my head on a daily basis. Struggling means I am trying and not giving up. I am in a very vulnerable position right now, the weather is changing and that means no more mountain biking in the near future. I have a good group of friends but with two exceptions, none of them live here in Missoula so my support system is not where I would like it to be. I am doing fairly well at work but there is absolutely no positive feedback present there and there are very few people who I can trust and who actually know my story. I refuse to give up though, I have to stay as positive as I possibly can be against all odds. I can do this, it isn't going to be easy but I can do it. It's going to take some long, hard work but I'm going to find out who this NoJoN person is....and in the end, I will love him.
Wednesday, October 5, 2011
Sympathy vs. Empathy
I had an interesting thought today having to do with sympathy and empathy. The two terms are often synonymous with each other but do they really represent the same thing? As a medical professional this is a very relevant topic for me. Often times when working in the medical field it is easy to become detached from all of the sickness and death associated with the profession. It is essential to maintain some fine balance without becoming too emotionally attached or detached. This is where the sympathy vs. empathy question comes into play. Sympathy is an important concept in patient care but I feel empathy is far more important. Empathy implies that you have a sort of connection or understanding of a given situation whereas sympathy I feel means only to feel sorry for a situation. I had a pretty heavy session with my new therapist today, he is still getting a feel for who I am and what my experiences are. I spent most of the hour trying to convey some of the events that shaped who I am today. After just a brief synopsis he told me that he has a lot of sympathy for me due to the unfortunate experiences I've had over the last 39 years. I told him that I didn't want anyone's sympathy, I just want answers to my questions and who I am. He corrected himself then and told me that he had empathy for my situation. I want sympathy from no one really, empathy on the other hand is far more welcome. What is the difference really? Does sympathy equal pity? Does empathy convey a much more deep understanding or connection? To me when someone empathizes with you, that they feel for your experience as an equal. Perhaps that there is some kind of common ground that you share together. Sympathy just seems to have a "Wow, that sucks", kind of connotation to it. Whereas empathy implies more emotional weight to it. I said it earlier and I say it again, I want no one's sympathy or pity, I think it's degrading in a way. I'm not saying that all sympathy is bad, I just prefer empathy. When dealing with patients in a hospital situation I think this is especially important. We should not pity patients, we should empathize with them. I don't know, maybe I'm just confused or full of shit. Is there really a difference between sympathy or empathy? I guess that it could be very subjective in nature, I just know how I feel about it and I will continue to try to be empathetic to people's troubles and experiences whether they be physical in nature or mental.
Tuesday, October 4, 2011
Thirty Nine
So, today is my 39th birthday. I state this not to garner attention but rather as a statement that warrants reflection. With all that has happened within the last year of my life, it feels like it's been 39 years since my 38th birthday. It was this time last year that my life began to become unmanageable, things had been falling apart for over three years but this is when I completely began to lose control. The six months that followed were no doubt some of the darkest of my life. I was tested everyday in ways that I could never have possibly imagined before. I still don't know the details of what really happened and who was really involved but I will just say that I was manipulated and tortured. This entry isn't about that though, this is about what happened afterward.
I am fortunate enough to have experienced a rebirth of sorts (not in the religious sense). My eyes were opened to a great many things over the last six months. I have learned things about myself that I had absolutely no idea existed. I learned to look at myself and my experiences in a new light and I learned that deep down, I am strong and that I am a fighter. Much has changed in this time but much has stayed the same. I still face many of the challenges that I did beforehand, work is still a very toxic and compassionless place, I am still having problems meeting friends that I can be open and vulnerable with, I still have financial problems and I still have a great deal of weight to lose. What has changed is how I view said problems and how I deal with them. I accept the things that I cannot change at work though there are those who accuse me of not caring. This is far from the case though, in order for change to come about, a situation often has to hit rock bottom and an outside force may be needed to intervene. A train wreck is immenent within the lab but you won't find me sacrificing myself by hurtling myself on the tracks in a last ditch effort to stop the train. I have given my input to the appropriate resources and that is good enough for me.
Meeting people outside of work continues to be my most significant challenge. I spent most of the last 4 years of my life either in hiding or under the influence of a very manipulative relationship. This has left me extremely hesitant and somewhat at a loss as to how people form friendships in the first place. It is important for me to realize that this is just going to take time and that I do have friends, they just don't live in Missoula.
I am working on my financial problems with the very gracious help of my father.
My weight loss issues are a continuing work in progress, mountain 4-5 days a week has significantly helped with this and helped my self esteem greatly. The possible long term health consequences of the sedentary lifestyle I adopted since my return from Kauai have been an excellent motivator. It feels good to get regular exercise and eat a healthier diet. There is always room for improvement and that's okay.
Finally, I thankfully have little or no drama in my life right now and am very happy about that. My outlook has a bit of a "Destination Unknown" feel to it.....and that's perfectly okay with me. For the time being I'm going to continue to work on myself and learn more about what it is that makes Jon tick. Hopefully I will be able to look back on the upcoming year on my 40th birthday and see how far I've come during that time. Someone once said, "Life is not a destination, but a journey". Life is indeed a journey and I plan on enjoying the scenery along the way!
I am fortunate enough to have experienced a rebirth of sorts (not in the religious sense). My eyes were opened to a great many things over the last six months. I have learned things about myself that I had absolutely no idea existed. I learned to look at myself and my experiences in a new light and I learned that deep down, I am strong and that I am a fighter. Much has changed in this time but much has stayed the same. I still face many of the challenges that I did beforehand, work is still a very toxic and compassionless place, I am still having problems meeting friends that I can be open and vulnerable with, I still have financial problems and I still have a great deal of weight to lose. What has changed is how I view said problems and how I deal with them. I accept the things that I cannot change at work though there are those who accuse me of not caring. This is far from the case though, in order for change to come about, a situation often has to hit rock bottom and an outside force may be needed to intervene. A train wreck is immenent within the lab but you won't find me sacrificing myself by hurtling myself on the tracks in a last ditch effort to stop the train. I have given my input to the appropriate resources and that is good enough for me.
Meeting people outside of work continues to be my most significant challenge. I spent most of the last 4 years of my life either in hiding or under the influence of a very manipulative relationship. This has left me extremely hesitant and somewhat at a loss as to how people form friendships in the first place. It is important for me to realize that this is just going to take time and that I do have friends, they just don't live in Missoula.
I am working on my financial problems with the very gracious help of my father.
My weight loss issues are a continuing work in progress, mountain 4-5 days a week has significantly helped with this and helped my self esteem greatly. The possible long term health consequences of the sedentary lifestyle I adopted since my return from Kauai have been an excellent motivator. It feels good to get regular exercise and eat a healthier diet. There is always room for improvement and that's okay.
Finally, I thankfully have little or no drama in my life right now and am very happy about that. My outlook has a bit of a "Destination Unknown" feel to it.....and that's perfectly okay with me. For the time being I'm going to continue to work on myself and learn more about what it is that makes Jon tick. Hopefully I will be able to look back on the upcoming year on my 40th birthday and see how far I've come during that time. Someone once said, "Life is not a destination, but a journey". Life is indeed a journey and I plan on enjoying the scenery along the way!
Wednesday, September 14, 2011
Eccentric, weird, or just insane?
As I'm sure my friends and coworkers can attest to, I'm a bit of an odd duck in life. The very nature of my "character" promotes the question: Am I eccentric, weird, or just plain insane? I would like to think that I am merely eccentric mixed in with some charisma and charm. I certainly seem to occupy a rather unique niche in life.
I was conservative during my teens and early twenties but couldn't be more liberal if I tried at this point in my life. I thought of myself as a bit of a surf bum during the two years that I lived on Kauai, my life's desire being only to ride the perfect wave. (More on those exploits later)
I've been a huge nerd/geek almost all of my life. I am constantly reading science fiction novels, Frank Herbert's "Dune" being my favorite of all time (I'm sure I've read all 6 books originally written by him at least 10 times now). I am a comic book fan with X-Men and Elfquest being seminal works to me. As much as I try to leave comics behind, the more they seem to suck me back in. Star Trek in it's various incarnations has always been a favorite of mine though I'm not so much of a nerd as to be caught at a convention dedicated to the franchise.
I have an almost unhealthy obsession with a certain Dave Matthews Band. I travel 400 hundred miles by car every year to see them for three nights at the Columbia Gorge in Washington. I love my band so much that I felt compelled to get their signature fire dancer tattooed on my right thigh. In an odd pairing, I am a huge fan of electronic music also, with the sub-genre of "Drum and Bass" being a favorite of mine. I was a metal head in high school, listened to nothing but country for a couple of years in my early twenties and absolutely love a genre of music called "Trip Hop" that no one has ever heard of.
I'm going to be 39 in in under 3 short weeks yet I still feel compelled to play video games. Back in my Spokane days, I was the public enemy #1 for most of the wives and girlfriends of guys who I converted to Xbox junkies due to a little game called Halo. I used to hold parties at least once a month when all my friends would bring their Xboxes and TV's over to my apartment so we could hook them all together and play Halo until 5 in the morning. Nowadays I've toned things down a bit but have been know to still stay up until 5 in the morning playing games like Mass Effect and Borderlands.
I am a rather large fan of Anime and have been so for close to 25 years now, all starting with a little show known as Robotech. Macross, Gundam and Ghost In The Shell are particular favorites of mine. I've owned numerous copies of Akira now and even had an infatuation with the counter culture film Heavy Metal when I was in my teens. I know far more than I care to admit about Dragonball Z.
I love my action sports and have a dubious reputation for getting hurt while participating in them. I love to mountain bike and have found just about every way to fall off or crash my bike. I've nearly been impaled, fallen down a ravine and even broken my right arm and 3 ribs in the pursuit of speed. I've had plenty of "yard sales" while skiing, usually while hot dogging underneath the chairlift. I've hit my head so hard on the bottom when bodyboarding that on one occasion my forehead swelled up ferociously and then proceeded to drain into my eye sockets, giving me not just one, but two black eyes at the same time. Another time I was trying to look cool while trying pull off a trick or two on a wave and them proceeded to crack my head on the bottom hard enough to cause a huge gash requiring stitches.
When I was 26, a 41 year old personal trainer/aerobics instructor had a very unhealthy obsession with me. Needless to say I had my "Mrs. Robinson" moment during that point in time. I have the worst luck with women of anyone that I've ever met (just ask about my last relationship....if you have like two hours to kill just to get the Cliff Notes version). I find exotic women absolutely fascinating. I'm happily single at close to 39. Some people say I hate babies and children but I just pretend I do (though I have absolutely NO intention of having them myself).
I was an obnoxious frat boy (oh wait, I'm still obnoxious).......from the time I was 20 until I was nearly 28. Notable experiences from that period include getting caught stealing a No Parking sign by the campus cops, gobbling like a turkey while standing on a barstool, making out with two women at the same time, and inciting the worst drunken toga party this side of the movie Animal House.
I talk to myself....constantly. I also talk to my dogs like they are people all the time. Jack has been known to shower with me. Both dogs insist on sleeping underneath the covers with me, even during intimate moments (with women, not the dogs). Jack has broken my nose for me and Carter recently decided to scratch my cornea to the point that it required a trip to the emergency room.
I have opinions.....about EVERYTHING! I'm not afraid to express them either.... often with unintended consequences. I hold a Doctorate in sarcasm (though I've tried to curb that as of late). I consider myself to be a bit of a "rogue" or "maverick". I hate authority. I refuse to sell my soul to any establishment but am fiercely loyal to certain bands (see above), sports cars (Porsche) and seem to be some kind of unwitting Apple fanboy. I work in the medical field but absolutely loathe patient contact (I work in the lab). I work with very strange people who find me to be far more strange than they could ever be. I laugh at my own jokes that no one gets. I have my own language consisting of backwards words, anagrams that I make up, juxtaposed phrases, Hawaiian slang (pidgin) and alternate pronunciations of common words (I tell everyone I work with that they have to learn to speak Jon as a language). I talk about myself in the third person and believe I have an evil twin named NoJ. I love English humor, the more dry it is, the harder I laugh. I tell everyone that I love them when I get drunk. I'm extremely clumsy. My first name is Jon and my middle name is Wayne (named for my grandfathers but you can guess what my nickname is). I like to believe that Calvin from Calvin and Hobbes is modeled after me. I'm very happily Agnostic. I think the world is going to end tomorrow via some plague of unknown sort. I write ridiculously long blogs about myself.
I abhor pop culture but can be obsessed with it. I think reality television is evil. I often become fixated on cult films, watching them numerous times a month at time. Examples include Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas, any Connery era Bond film, Pulp Fiction, Ice Pirates, The Big Lebowski, Monty Python and The Holy Grail, and V for Vendetta. I cry every time I watch Forrest Gump. I think England's Top Gear is the best television program EVER (not to mention the funniest).
I really could go on forever and ever.... It takes a very long time to get my personality and I'm SURE most of the people I meet think I'm insane. I still cling to the idea that I'm merely charismatic and eccentric. Usually the more charismatic and eccentric a person is, the more I like them..... and I wouldn't have it any other way!
Would you like to play
With the thought of a friend
In a distant passing stage?
I was conservative during my teens and early twenties but couldn't be more liberal if I tried at this point in my life. I thought of myself as a bit of a surf bum during the two years that I lived on Kauai, my life's desire being only to ride the perfect wave. (More on those exploits later)
I've been a huge nerd/geek almost all of my life. I am constantly reading science fiction novels, Frank Herbert's "Dune" being my favorite of all time (I'm sure I've read all 6 books originally written by him at least 10 times now). I am a comic book fan with X-Men and Elfquest being seminal works to me. As much as I try to leave comics behind, the more they seem to suck me back in. Star Trek in it's various incarnations has always been a favorite of mine though I'm not so much of a nerd as to be caught at a convention dedicated to the franchise.
I have an almost unhealthy obsession with a certain Dave Matthews Band. I travel 400 hundred miles by car every year to see them for three nights at the Columbia Gorge in Washington. I love my band so much that I felt compelled to get their signature fire dancer tattooed on my right thigh. In an odd pairing, I am a huge fan of electronic music also, with the sub-genre of "Drum and Bass" being a favorite of mine. I was a metal head in high school, listened to nothing but country for a couple of years in my early twenties and absolutely love a genre of music called "Trip Hop" that no one has ever heard of.
I'm going to be 39 in in under 3 short weeks yet I still feel compelled to play video games. Back in my Spokane days, I was the public enemy #1 for most of the wives and girlfriends of guys who I converted to Xbox junkies due to a little game called Halo. I used to hold parties at least once a month when all my friends would bring their Xboxes and TV's over to my apartment so we could hook them all together and play Halo until 5 in the morning. Nowadays I've toned things down a bit but have been know to still stay up until 5 in the morning playing games like Mass Effect and Borderlands.
I am a rather large fan of Anime and have been so for close to 25 years now, all starting with a little show known as Robotech. Macross, Gundam and Ghost In The Shell are particular favorites of mine. I've owned numerous copies of Akira now and even had an infatuation with the counter culture film Heavy Metal when I was in my teens. I know far more than I care to admit about Dragonball Z.
I love my action sports and have a dubious reputation for getting hurt while participating in them. I love to mountain bike and have found just about every way to fall off or crash my bike. I've nearly been impaled, fallen down a ravine and even broken my right arm and 3 ribs in the pursuit of speed. I've had plenty of "yard sales" while skiing, usually while hot dogging underneath the chairlift. I've hit my head so hard on the bottom when bodyboarding that on one occasion my forehead swelled up ferociously and then proceeded to drain into my eye sockets, giving me not just one, but two black eyes at the same time. Another time I was trying to look cool while trying pull off a trick or two on a wave and them proceeded to crack my head on the bottom hard enough to cause a huge gash requiring stitches.
When I was 26, a 41 year old personal trainer/aerobics instructor had a very unhealthy obsession with me. Needless to say I had my "Mrs. Robinson" moment during that point in time. I have the worst luck with women of anyone that I've ever met (just ask about my last relationship....if you have like two hours to kill just to get the Cliff Notes version). I find exotic women absolutely fascinating. I'm happily single at close to 39. Some people say I hate babies and children but I just pretend I do (though I have absolutely NO intention of having them myself).
I was an obnoxious frat boy (oh wait, I'm still obnoxious).......from the time I was 20 until I was nearly 28. Notable experiences from that period include getting caught stealing a No Parking sign by the campus cops, gobbling like a turkey while standing on a barstool, making out with two women at the same time, and inciting the worst drunken toga party this side of the movie Animal House.
I talk to myself....constantly. I also talk to my dogs like they are people all the time. Jack has been known to shower with me. Both dogs insist on sleeping underneath the covers with me, even during intimate moments (with women, not the dogs). Jack has broken my nose for me and Carter recently decided to scratch my cornea to the point that it required a trip to the emergency room.
I have opinions.....about EVERYTHING! I'm not afraid to express them either.... often with unintended consequences. I hold a Doctorate in sarcasm (though I've tried to curb that as of late). I consider myself to be a bit of a "rogue" or "maverick". I hate authority. I refuse to sell my soul to any establishment but am fiercely loyal to certain bands (see above), sports cars (Porsche) and seem to be some kind of unwitting Apple fanboy. I work in the medical field but absolutely loathe patient contact (I work in the lab). I work with very strange people who find me to be far more strange than they could ever be. I laugh at my own jokes that no one gets. I have my own language consisting of backwards words, anagrams that I make up, juxtaposed phrases, Hawaiian slang (pidgin) and alternate pronunciations of common words (I tell everyone I work with that they have to learn to speak Jon as a language). I talk about myself in the third person and believe I have an evil twin named NoJ. I love English humor, the more dry it is, the harder I laugh. I tell everyone that I love them when I get drunk. I'm extremely clumsy. My first name is Jon and my middle name is Wayne (named for my grandfathers but you can guess what my nickname is). I like to believe that Calvin from Calvin and Hobbes is modeled after me. I'm very happily Agnostic. I think the world is going to end tomorrow via some plague of unknown sort. I write ridiculously long blogs about myself.
I abhor pop culture but can be obsessed with it. I think reality television is evil. I often become fixated on cult films, watching them numerous times a month at time. Examples include Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas, any Connery era Bond film, Pulp Fiction, Ice Pirates, The Big Lebowski, Monty Python and The Holy Grail, and V for Vendetta. I cry every time I watch Forrest Gump. I think England's Top Gear is the best television program EVER (not to mention the funniest).
I really could go on forever and ever.... It takes a very long time to get my personality and I'm SURE most of the people I meet think I'm insane. I still cling to the idea that I'm merely charismatic and eccentric. Usually the more charismatic and eccentric a person is, the more I like them..... and I wouldn't have it any other way!
Would you like to play
With the thought of a friend
In a distant passing stage?
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
A life surreal
Have you ever had one of those moments where something a rush of memories so vivid hit you and it literally feels like it happened to someone else? I had one of those moments recently. My neck had really been bothering me due to normal wear and tear at work coupled with the fact that I've been mountain biking about 5 days a week. Finally it got to the point that I couldn't bear it at work anymore so I sprung for a massage. I haven't had a massage in over 4 years now and as soon as I entered the room and got on the table, a huge flood of memories came over me. These were more than just memories, it was more like a feeling..... it was very familiar and very comfortable, yet very unfamiliar and dream like in nature.
The reason for this flood of memories is that my ex-wife is a massage therapist (not sure if she is still practicing or not) and she used to come home every night smelling like massage oil. The smell in the massage room is what triggered the memories and I suddenly remembered a different point in time in my life. It really was a surreal experience, I thought of everything that was going on in my life at the time, my marriage, having two puppies, working a 9 to 5 job, times spent with friends, tender moments with my wife. A literal onslaught of memories, with strong emotions attached to each one. That was only 5 years ago but looking back on it now, it's hard to believe that I really was that person. That Jon (or Noj, depending on what day it is) seems like a complete stranger to me. I worried about far different things than I do now, my goals and aspirations were completely different, even my identity seemed strange compared to who I am now. I remember that I loved my wife very much but things just didn't work out for us.
Moving to Kauai was the catalyst for the radical changes in my life, I suddenly found myself alone in a completely unfamiliar place and culture. I managed as best I could and made the most of my time there and when I returned home, I was a different person. That was 3 years ago now and to be honest, the greatest changes were yet to take place. A lot of unfortunate things occurred in my life in 3 short years. Carly died, I broke my arm, Grandpa died and I still have financial woes stemming from the island and my mountain biking accident. I'm not complaining or whining about this, those things were unfortunate but that's life..... things happen, good and bad. I was ashamed of myself, I was depressed, I hid from the world in my apartment, I was angry and bitter, I stopped doing everything. I spent all my time wondering what I did wrong. How did I screw everything up? Why was all of this happening to me? I longed for the life I once had. But that's life! Stuff happens! You have to believe that the best days of your life are ahead of you, not behind you.
So there I was on the massage, table lost in memories and I came to the conclusion that even after everything that has happened over the last 4 years, I'm happier now! I'm not bitter or angry anymore, I even hope that my ex-wife is happy. A lot of good things have happened to me in those 4 years, I was just focused on the negative. I lived in Hawaii, who can say they gave everything up to go live in the middle of the south pacific for two years? Things are different now, I'm having a great time riding my bike with my dogs and getting in touch with myself. It just seemed so surreal to have such a vivid experience of memories from a time not so long ago not being sure if those things really happened. Our experiences make us who we are but they don't define with us. I'm a much different person now and I'm very happy about it!
The reason for this flood of memories is that my ex-wife is a massage therapist (not sure if she is still practicing or not) and she used to come home every night smelling like massage oil. The smell in the massage room is what triggered the memories and I suddenly remembered a different point in time in my life. It really was a surreal experience, I thought of everything that was going on in my life at the time, my marriage, having two puppies, working a 9 to 5 job, times spent with friends, tender moments with my wife. A literal onslaught of memories, with strong emotions attached to each one. That was only 5 years ago but looking back on it now, it's hard to believe that I really was that person. That Jon (or Noj, depending on what day it is) seems like a complete stranger to me. I worried about far different things than I do now, my goals and aspirations were completely different, even my identity seemed strange compared to who I am now. I remember that I loved my wife very much but things just didn't work out for us.
Moving to Kauai was the catalyst for the radical changes in my life, I suddenly found myself alone in a completely unfamiliar place and culture. I managed as best I could and made the most of my time there and when I returned home, I was a different person. That was 3 years ago now and to be honest, the greatest changes were yet to take place. A lot of unfortunate things occurred in my life in 3 short years. Carly died, I broke my arm, Grandpa died and I still have financial woes stemming from the island and my mountain biking accident. I'm not complaining or whining about this, those things were unfortunate but that's life..... things happen, good and bad. I was ashamed of myself, I was depressed, I hid from the world in my apartment, I was angry and bitter, I stopped doing everything. I spent all my time wondering what I did wrong. How did I screw everything up? Why was all of this happening to me? I longed for the life I once had. But that's life! Stuff happens! You have to believe that the best days of your life are ahead of you, not behind you.
So there I was on the massage, table lost in memories and I came to the conclusion that even after everything that has happened over the last 4 years, I'm happier now! I'm not bitter or angry anymore, I even hope that my ex-wife is happy. A lot of good things have happened to me in those 4 years, I was just focused on the negative. I lived in Hawaii, who can say they gave everything up to go live in the middle of the south pacific for two years? Things are different now, I'm having a great time riding my bike with my dogs and getting in touch with myself. It just seemed so surreal to have such a vivid experience of memories from a time not so long ago not being sure if those things really happened. Our experiences make us who we are but they don't define with us. I'm a much different person now and I'm very happy about it!
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
I think my hobbies are trying to kill me!
So, here I am sitting in my chair with a back ache that has been persistent for the last two weeks and a cold that won't seem to go away...... all because I've been mountain biking just about every day for the last 7 weeks. Now you may say that doesn't sound much like much but trust me, my hobbies have tried to kill me numerous times. We'll start with skiing..... It's an absolute miracle that I haven't sustained any serious bodily harm in the thirty odd years that I have enjoyed the sport. I've collided with trees, logs, stumps and even been run over by more than one snowboarder. I've crashed so hard (underneath the chairlift for all to see of course) that my hat, gloves, goggles, poles and skis were strewn about in a pattern most commonly found after a plane crash. One time I wrecked and both skis came per standard operating procedure, I turned uphill to see where both could be found only to see one at the scene of the crash. Not two seconds later did I hear a large THWANG downslope from me. I turned to see my other ski sticking straight up out of the snow like a telephone pole. I'm sure you are thinking that I must really suck at skiing, this is not the case, I may not be hiking up huge cliff faces to ski down 60 degree spines in Alaska, but I can handle double black diamonds pretty well. Two years ago I crashed so hard that I split the lense in my goggles. The good news is that my two years on Kauai completely ruined my tolerance for winter so I no longer ski.
Kauai brought a new sport into the fold, bodyboarding (boogie boarding for those not serious about it). Once I figured out how ride across a wave and got tubed for the first time, I was in love. It wasn't long before I was riding all the local breaks (the kind that kill tourists), it should be noted that these breaks are not sand bottom, they are rock or coral bottom. Once I was happily riding across a wave when a dumbass tourist with his back to the surf appeared directly in my path. It was either bail or hit this guy head on..... so I bailed and smashed my forehead on the bottom. One ER visit later with a CT scan showed no permanent damage to my brilliance. However, my forehead was severely swollen from blood leakage sustained from the impact, which promptly drained downward giving me two of the blackest eyes you can possible imagine. About six months later I was riding at the same beach, the surf was really aggressive that day and it was no place for novices. I watched this tourist take 3 waves on his head (how he didn't hit the bottom is a miracle), deciding to do him a favor, I told him that this was no place for someone who didn't know what they were doing. He thanked me and headed for shore as I paddled back out to await the next set of waves. Sure enough a great set rolled in and I grabbed the first wave. Thinking I was cool, I decided to do a roll off the wave..... and promptly went straight down and smashed my head on the rock. How I stayed conscious is a miracle and I made my way to the surface. I was dazed to say the very least.....too dazed to notice all the locals frantically paddling in for shore. One local was nice enough to yell "Eh Brah, you got blood all over the side of your head!". This was the reason for all of the frantic paddling for shore, I was chumming the water and no one wanted to be shark bait that day. Ten stitches and an eventual infection later, I was back out in the water happily trying to get killed again. Finally, there was this time that I was hiking this jungle nature trail to hell with my friends Noah and Matt when I slipped in the Kauai mud and found myself hanging precariously by some foliage over a serious drop off, fortunately Noah snatched me back up before I fell to my doom!
Well, I made it back to the mainland in one piece two years later with some new scars to show for bragging rights. This brings us back to mountain biking, the sport that has come the closest to removing me from the gene pool over the last 17 years. Where do I even start? Well, there was this one time where I fell down a steep embankment and was almost impaled by a branch sticking out of a fallen log. I had scratches all over my forearms and my riding partner insisted that we sanitize my dirt clogged wounds with some alcohol based hand sanitizing gel....... you could hear me screaming for a 10 mile radius when the gel was applied. Then there was the time my friends and I were negotiating an old downhill course outside of Bozeman, I was way out in front of them powerbombing the trail while Blur's "Song Number 2" kicking around in my head (this was pre-iPod days). My front tire slipped into a rut...... and the bike and I bounced end over end.....like three times. I was still on the ground moaning when my friends caught up with me five minutes later. Instead of helping me they were like, "Dude, look at your bike!". I looked over only to see the rear wheel of my prized toy bent over like taco shell. I had fun walking the bike out the last mile and a half to the trailhead. That isn't the ultimate though, the ultimate occurred just over two years ago just south of Missoula up Pattee Canyon. I was powerbombing down a very familiar trail trying to keep up with Jack, the Porsche 911 Turbo of canines, when I hit an exposed rock head on and went over the handle bars, only this time I didn't bounce. I broke my right arm and about 3 left ribs. I hit so hard it cracked to face of my cell phone in my backpack and completely shattered my sunglasses. Oddly enough the bike emerged unscathed and Jack was looking at me like I was some kind of pansy as I screamed in pain. Needless to say, the mile walk back to the trailhead with the bike was much more miserable than my previous walk of shame.
So here I sit with my cold and aching back, all from mountain biking too much and I have come to the conclusion that my hobbies are definitely trying to kill me. Some people argue that I am just accident prone but I know for sure that they couldn't be more incorrect if they tried to be. I do have hobbies that haven't attempted to kill me yet like reading and video games but I'm sure they are plotting my demise as I speak. Fortunately I'm a tough bird to snuff out so I proudly stick my tongue out and keep on keeping on!
Kauai brought a new sport into the fold, bodyboarding (boogie boarding for those not serious about it). Once I figured out how ride across a wave and got tubed for the first time, I was in love. It wasn't long before I was riding all the local breaks (the kind that kill tourists), it should be noted that these breaks are not sand bottom, they are rock or coral bottom. Once I was happily riding across a wave when a dumbass tourist with his back to the surf appeared directly in my path. It was either bail or hit this guy head on..... so I bailed and smashed my forehead on the bottom. One ER visit later with a CT scan showed no permanent damage to my brilliance. However, my forehead was severely swollen from blood leakage sustained from the impact, which promptly drained downward giving me two of the blackest eyes you can possible imagine. About six months later I was riding at the same beach, the surf was really aggressive that day and it was no place for novices. I watched this tourist take 3 waves on his head (how he didn't hit the bottom is a miracle), deciding to do him a favor, I told him that this was no place for someone who didn't know what they were doing. He thanked me and headed for shore as I paddled back out to await the next set of waves. Sure enough a great set rolled in and I grabbed the first wave. Thinking I was cool, I decided to do a roll off the wave..... and promptly went straight down and smashed my head on the rock. How I stayed conscious is a miracle and I made my way to the surface. I was dazed to say the very least.....too dazed to notice all the locals frantically paddling in for shore. One local was nice enough to yell "Eh Brah, you got blood all over the side of your head!". This was the reason for all of the frantic paddling for shore, I was chumming the water and no one wanted to be shark bait that day. Ten stitches and an eventual infection later, I was back out in the water happily trying to get killed again. Finally, there was this time that I was hiking this jungle nature trail to hell with my friends Noah and Matt when I slipped in the Kauai mud and found myself hanging precariously by some foliage over a serious drop off, fortunately Noah snatched me back up before I fell to my doom!
Well, I made it back to the mainland in one piece two years later with some new scars to show for bragging rights. This brings us back to mountain biking, the sport that has come the closest to removing me from the gene pool over the last 17 years. Where do I even start? Well, there was this one time where I fell down a steep embankment and was almost impaled by a branch sticking out of a fallen log. I had scratches all over my forearms and my riding partner insisted that we sanitize my dirt clogged wounds with some alcohol based hand sanitizing gel....... you could hear me screaming for a 10 mile radius when the gel was applied. Then there was the time my friends and I were negotiating an old downhill course outside of Bozeman, I was way out in front of them powerbombing the trail while Blur's "Song Number 2" kicking around in my head (this was pre-iPod days). My front tire slipped into a rut...... and the bike and I bounced end over end.....like three times. I was still on the ground moaning when my friends caught up with me five minutes later. Instead of helping me they were like, "Dude, look at your bike!". I looked over only to see the rear wheel of my prized toy bent over like taco shell. I had fun walking the bike out the last mile and a half to the trailhead. That isn't the ultimate though, the ultimate occurred just over two years ago just south of Missoula up Pattee Canyon. I was powerbombing down a very familiar trail trying to keep up with Jack, the Porsche 911 Turbo of canines, when I hit an exposed rock head on and went over the handle bars, only this time I didn't bounce. I broke my right arm and about 3 left ribs. I hit so hard it cracked to face of my cell phone in my backpack and completely shattered my sunglasses. Oddly enough the bike emerged unscathed and Jack was looking at me like I was some kind of pansy as I screamed in pain. Needless to say, the mile walk back to the trailhead with the bike was much more miserable than my previous walk of shame.
So here I sit with my cold and aching back, all from mountain biking too much and I have come to the conclusion that my hobbies are definitely trying to kill me. Some people argue that I am just accident prone but I know for sure that they couldn't be more incorrect if they tried to be. I do have hobbies that haven't attempted to kill me yet like reading and video games but I'm sure they are plotting my demise as I speak. Fortunately I'm a tough bird to snuff out so I proudly stick my tongue out and keep on keeping on!
Monday, August 22, 2011
Downhill speed upgraded to preposterous from ridiculous!
Wow, what a difference a new shock makes on my mountain bike! The shock itself is much bigger so it has far more travel than my old one did. The icing on the cake is that the travel is adjustable so I can dial it way down when riding up the mountain so my center of gravity is further foreword. On the downhill I can dial it all the way up for full travel, this shifts my center of gravity father back on the bike which is far more stable. The difference on the downhill is almost unbelievable! The extra travel really smoothes things out and I feel far more stable at speed. As a result, downhill speeds have exceeded the ridiculous limits up into the preposterous zone (ludicrous speed is still off limits though)! I'm a very camper today, I'm not sure how the dogs felt though, even Jack was behind me today!
Sunday, August 21, 2011
Anyone seen any Daleks?
Doctor Who I presume? Since when is the TARDIS a Jaguar X Type?
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Location:N Higgins Ave,Missoula,United States
Blogging 101?
Well here we go, I'm "officially" blogging now. So, uh....where do I go from here? If there is one thing that I have learned in the last 2 months, it's that I enjoy writing and it helps me stay centered. I usually journal around 5 days a week, most of that is boring affirmation stuff that would put the worst insomniac to sleep. I just decided that I want to share some of my thoughts and opinions openly. Anyone who knows me is more than aware of the fact that I have opinions.....on everything and they are usually very animated. My goal is to keep this blog light hearted, positive and somewhat humorous. So I come to the first major hurdle, how do I get anyone to read the meanderings of an eccentric guy in his late 30's? I honestly don't know. If you are reading this then I can claim my first victory in this endeavor. This is a very exciting time for me, I'm connecting with things long forgotten and learning new things about myself everyday. Life is interesting, I'm taking things one day at a time and am trying to appreciate things as much as I possibly can. Interesting things always seem to happen to me, many of which are very humorous. Yesterday I decided I was going to drive my car into my garage with my mountain bike still mounted on the roof, needless to say, that didn't end well for my bike or the bike rack that I spent several hours trying to install six years ago. I decided to just laugh and learn at that one. Where do I go from here? Anywhere, the sky is the limit, I hope you will join me!
Today's quote: "Without darkness, there is no light."
Would you like to play
With the thought of a friend
In a distant passing stage?
Today's quote: "Without darkness, there is no light."
Would you like to play
With the thought of a friend
In a distant passing stage?
Location:N Higgins Ave,Missoula,United States
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