After the last post I thought I had better give some somewhat humerous, cultural commentary on Halloween....
So here I sit in the front window at my favorite coffee shop in downtown Missoula watching college kids walk past all dressed up in Halloween regalia and a thought pops into my mind....Halloween is all about sex! At least from the adult standpoint......
Think about it, why do people get all dressed up in all manner of silly attire on Halloween? It's simply to get laid! Seriously, how many woman do see see dressed up all scantily in far much less clothing than they normally would be seen in public? I've seen plenty in the hour and a half I've been sitting here. What's more fun than getting all dressed up weird, going out, getting hammered and then having freaky costumed sex afterwards? Not much....unless you are a regular attendee of furry conventions across the globe (google "Furry" and you will see what I mean) I'm totally missing the boat here, I'm going to have to be prepared for next year since I'm going to be 40 then and your sex life pretty much ends soon after the big 4-0.
I've seen some truly great costumes tongight too......A group of five people just walked by all dressed as characters from the movie "Fifth Element", including a Ruby Rodd complete with white hair and the tubular protrusion to go with it. Another guy just walked by dressed as a hot dog, if he had been on a skateboard like in the "Jackass"movies, I would have been more impressed. I've seen all manners of cross dressing, faeries, unicorns, a zombie or two, the entire cast of "The Flintstones", numerous characters from "Sesame Street" and "The Muppet Show", "Eddie" the longtime mascot for Iron Maiden and last but not least, woman dressed like prostitutes. I'm not sure the last examples are costumes or what kids normally wear to the bars these days, I am an old fart with no social life after all. Oh wait, there goes a "Dick in the Box" guy, nice one (google that one too if you aren't aware of that sensation either).Tonight's winner of BEST COSTUME EVER goes to a young woman who went by dressed as Chung Li from the perenially popular "Street Fighter" video games. Congratulations young lady, you made this old nerd's entire week!
The last minute runner up is the woman dressed as a cherry bomb who just now walked by....I'd be happy to light your fuse for you!
Saturday, October 29, 2011
Hope is a very powerful thing!
There is a Dave Matthews Band song by the name of "Rhyme and Reaon" that always struck a very strong cord with me for reasons that will be apparent below:
Rhyme and Reason
Oh well oh well so here we stand, But we stand for nothing
My heart calls to me in my sleep, How can I turn to it?
'Cause I'm all locked up in this Dark place - and I do not know
I'm good as dead, My head aches - warped and tied up, I need to kill this pain
My head won't leave my head alone, And I don't believe it will 'Til I'm dead and gone
My head won't leave my head alone, And I don't believe it will 'Til I'm six feet under ground
How long I'm tied up, My mind in knots - my stomach reels
In concern for what I might do or What I've done, It's got me living in fear,
Well I know these voices must Be my soul
I've had enough, I've had enough Of being alone
I've got no place to go
. . . In my grave
Lying wired shut and quiet in my grave
Leave me here
Leave it to me to waste here
So young here I am again, Talking to myself
A t.v. blares
Oh man oh how I wish I didn't smoke Or drink to reason with my head
But sometimes this thick confusion Grows until I cannot bare it all
Needle to the vein, Needle to the vein
Take this needle from my vein my friend
. . . In my grave
Lying lying cold in my grave
Reason - my reason
Take my head off this terror
I'm fearing I'll come back
I'll see
My mind's all wiped clean
The needle
Make my great escape
I'll see the cold in time
My head leaves me behind
Let me fade away
I seem caught in time, My head leaves me behind
Body falls cold, And I see heaven
This song wll always be in my top 5 Dave Matthews Band songs ever. Why would such a dark song reside in my top five in the ere of the "new me" though? Allow me to explain myself....
Before this journey of discovery my life had been slowly spiraling out of control over the course of a 5 year period. Things were certainly better before that, but I always felt I had this dark spectre following me wherever I went. This song pretty much sums up exactly how I felt at the very moment last May when I began cutting myself. I felt I was going to alone forever, that my problems were too insurmountable and that they were never going to end. I was in that "Dark Place" and truly "My Head Won't Leave My Head Alone". I wanted this song to be played at my funeral so that everyone could truly have known how I felt at that exact moment when I took my life. I was that song and that song was me, literally.
Fortunately things didn't come to pass as I had originally intended and I sitting here writing this blog today due to the help that I received. Now, the reason why this song remains so powerful to me is because it is a constant reminder of just how low I went and how far I have come in the last 5 months. I need that reminder, not to identify with it but to draw inspiration from it. It's a been there, done that, never going back sort of thing. I am armed with something that I don't think I've ever had in my life before......hope. I have hope, finally. I now know that I am not unique in my problems, there are people who have far worse problems in life than I do that still manage to live healthy and happy lives. I know now that I am indeed a likeable and loveable person, that I do indeed deserve happiness and there probably really is someone out there for me, I just have to have the courage to move foreword. Hope is such a poweful thing, all it requires from me is a positive attitude and a healthy dose of mindfulness. I am going to stumble at times, there will be dark times ahead but they won't be as bad as what I've been through. Through all of this I will keep my hope and because of that I won't have to live through "Rhyme and Reason" again.
Rhyme and Reason
Oh well oh well so here we stand, But we stand for nothing
My heart calls to me in my sleep, How can I turn to it?
'Cause I'm all locked up in this Dark place - and I do not know
I'm good as dead, My head aches - warped and tied up, I need to kill this pain
My head won't leave my head alone, And I don't believe it will 'Til I'm dead and gone
My head won't leave my head alone, And I don't believe it will 'Til I'm six feet under ground
How long I'm tied up, My mind in knots - my stomach reels
In concern for what I might do or What I've done, It's got me living in fear,
Well I know these voices must Be my soul
I've had enough, I've had enough Of being alone
I've got no place to go
. . . In my grave
Lying wired shut and quiet in my grave
Leave me here
Leave it to me to waste here
So young here I am again, Talking to myself
A t.v. blares
Oh man oh how I wish I didn't smoke Or drink to reason with my head
But sometimes this thick confusion Grows until I cannot bare it all
Needle to the vein, Needle to the vein
Take this needle from my vein my friend
. . . In my grave
Lying lying cold in my grave
Reason - my reason
Take my head off this terror
I'm fearing I'll come back
I'll see
My mind's all wiped clean
The needle
Make my great escape
I'll see the cold in time
My head leaves me behind
Let me fade away
I seem caught in time, My head leaves me behind
Body falls cold, And I see heaven
This song wll always be in my top 5 Dave Matthews Band songs ever. Why would such a dark song reside in my top five in the ere of the "new me" though? Allow me to explain myself....
Before this journey of discovery my life had been slowly spiraling out of control over the course of a 5 year period. Things were certainly better before that, but I always felt I had this dark spectre following me wherever I went. This song pretty much sums up exactly how I felt at the very moment last May when I began cutting myself. I felt I was going to alone forever, that my problems were too insurmountable and that they were never going to end. I was in that "Dark Place" and truly "My Head Won't Leave My Head Alone". I wanted this song to be played at my funeral so that everyone could truly have known how I felt at that exact moment when I took my life. I was that song and that song was me, literally.
Fortunately things didn't come to pass as I had originally intended and I sitting here writing this blog today due to the help that I received. Now, the reason why this song remains so powerful to me is because it is a constant reminder of just how low I went and how far I have come in the last 5 months. I need that reminder, not to identify with it but to draw inspiration from it. It's a been there, done that, never going back sort of thing. I am armed with something that I don't think I've ever had in my life before......hope. I have hope, finally. I now know that I am not unique in my problems, there are people who have far worse problems in life than I do that still manage to live healthy and happy lives. I know now that I am indeed a likeable and loveable person, that I do indeed deserve happiness and there probably really is someone out there for me, I just have to have the courage to move foreword. Hope is such a poweful thing, all it requires from me is a positive attitude and a healthy dose of mindfulness. I am going to stumble at times, there will be dark times ahead but they won't be as bad as what I've been through. Through all of this I will keep my hope and because of that I won't have to live through "Rhyme and Reason" again.
Thursday, October 27, 2011
What is it with energy drinks anyway?
I was journaling at my usual haunt tonight I saw a guy walk by chugging down one of those five hour energy drinks. It of course got me thinking about what the big deal it is with those things anyway. I've never used the things myself since they are mainly highly concentrated sugar water with a high dose of caffeine. Are we so addicted to caffeine as a society that we need higher and higher doses just to get us through the day? Combat lethargy, drink pure caffeine and have your first heart attack at fifteen today! Diabetes and heart attacks, sounds like I'm really missing out here. Trust me, I'm doing the world a favor by not imbibing these cocktails of stamina. I've essentially been caffeine free all of my life and rather an animated fellow without the help of any stimulants. Shit, if I even tried coffee I'd hate to see what would happen. Hithereilikecracklotsandlotsofcrack!!Doyoulikecrack? I AM CORNHOLIO, I NEED TP FOR MY BUNGHOLE!.....or something like that I'm sure. I wouldn't be surprised if the damn things are linked to male pattern baldness and impotence. cheers and drink up for me!
Wednesday, October 26, 2011
Loyalty, blind devotion and other musings......
I don't know why but the subject of loyalty has been on my mind a lot lately. I think it has a lot to do with a situation at work that I won't elaborate any further on. Loyalty is a very important thing with me, I don't give it very readily and when I do, it is usually with gusto.
Take my obsession with the Dave Matthews Band for instance. I have been an absolutely rabid fan of the bad for about eight and a half years now. That's actually not a very long time since the band originally burst on the scene back in 1994. I am very wary of fads so an artist has to be around a long time before I really start to give them credit as not being a "flash in the pan". Once I learned more about the band, their music and what they stood for, I really felt a connection to them. About twelve shows later and numerous annual trips to the gorge later and I'm still extremely loyal to the band. In fact, I don't think I've ever been as loyal to anything else as long as this with the exceptions of Elfquest, James Bond and Star Trek.
Loyalty to musical artists and other pop culture phenomenon is one thing but I've really been thinking about is loyalty in in friendship, family matters and relationships. I've never been very close with anyone in my family (though I'm trying with my father) so familial loyalty is something that I don't fully understand. That doesn't mean that I'm not loyal to my family, I just don't understand it as well as I should. As far as friendships go, as soon as someone gets past my initial barriers and demonstrates that they are a trustworthy person, I become extremely loyal to the. And consider the to be family in a way. This sometimes leads to some bad decisions, hurt feelings and misunderstandings when things aren't necessarily reciprocated.
Recently during my times of extreme duress, I learned the hard way once again that I have to be careful who I'm loyal to and ultimately who I trust. I have also learned that there are those to whom I'm loyal to that deserve far more than I could possibly give to them. On the bad side, I was betrayed and manipulated by the person whom I trusted the and was most loyal to. The dust is still settling on that whole debacle and I still find myself at a loss as to what really transpired. To add insult to injury, people who I thought were my close friends either abandoned me or took the opportunity to take a parting shot at me. These instances were sobering and hurtful to say the least but that wasn't the whole story. Other friends rallied around me, demonstrated how much they care for me and helped me find the help I needed to begin my life anew. I will always be fiercely loyal to these friends and hope that I will be able to pay them the kindness that they have paid me. I feel very fortunate to know these people and have them in my life.
As things move foreward, I have to be careful to refrain from being cynical and jaded towards making new friends and showing them who I really am. My time away at the treatment facility introduced me to some very wonderful people who share some of the same problems that I do and I came away with some friends to whom I will be fiercely loyal to the rest of my life. Entering into a new relationship may be painful and needs to be slow but I'll cross that bridge when I get there. Loyalty continues to be a very important concept to despite what has happened in the past. People may not always understand my actions but when the chips are down, I will always be there for those who do command my loyalty.
Take my obsession with the Dave Matthews Band for instance. I have been an absolutely rabid fan of the bad for about eight and a half years now. That's actually not a very long time since the band originally burst on the scene back in 1994. I am very wary of fads so an artist has to be around a long time before I really start to give them credit as not being a "flash in the pan". Once I learned more about the band, their music and what they stood for, I really felt a connection to them. About twelve shows later and numerous annual trips to the gorge later and I'm still extremely loyal to the band. In fact, I don't think I've ever been as loyal to anything else as long as this with the exceptions of Elfquest, James Bond and Star Trek.
Loyalty to musical artists and other pop culture phenomenon is one thing but I've really been thinking about is loyalty in in friendship, family matters and relationships. I've never been very close with anyone in my family (though I'm trying with my father) so familial loyalty is something that I don't fully understand. That doesn't mean that I'm not loyal to my family, I just don't understand it as well as I should. As far as friendships go, as soon as someone gets past my initial barriers and demonstrates that they are a trustworthy person, I become extremely loyal to the. And consider the to be family in a way. This sometimes leads to some bad decisions, hurt feelings and misunderstandings when things aren't necessarily reciprocated.
Recently during my times of extreme duress, I learned the hard way once again that I have to be careful who I'm loyal to and ultimately who I trust. I have also learned that there are those to whom I'm loyal to that deserve far more than I could possibly give to them. On the bad side, I was betrayed and manipulated by the person whom I trusted the and was most loyal to. The dust is still settling on that whole debacle and I still find myself at a loss as to what really transpired. To add insult to injury, people who I thought were my close friends either abandoned me or took the opportunity to take a parting shot at me. These instances were sobering and hurtful to say the least but that wasn't the whole story. Other friends rallied around me, demonstrated how much they care for me and helped me find the help I needed to begin my life anew. I will always be fiercely loyal to these friends and hope that I will be able to pay them the kindness that they have paid me. I feel very fortunate to know these people and have them in my life.
As things move foreward, I have to be careful to refrain from being cynical and jaded towards making new friends and showing them who I really am. My time away at the treatment facility introduced me to some very wonderful people who share some of the same problems that I do and I came away with some friends to whom I will be fiercely loyal to the rest of my life. Entering into a new relationship may be painful and needs to be slow but I'll cross that bridge when I get there. Loyalty continues to be a very important concept to despite what has happened in the past. People may not always understand my actions but when the chips are down, I will always be there for those who do command my loyalty.
Sunday, October 23, 2011
Shock and awe on the trail and an introduction to "The Push Of Shame"!
Today I was riding my mountain bike up the slopes of Blue Mountain, huffing and puffing my way while trying to keep JackJack from getting into small scuffles with other dogs, as he is prone to do frequently, and this younger woman comes riding by me on the trail......on a skinny tire road bike. This wasn't just a road bike, it was a race bike, the kind that crazy people ride in triathlons. What's really weird about this is that I was riding up the mountain.....on a bumpy, non-paved hiking trail. Why in the world would you take a very expensive road bike up an off road trail? I was very perplexed at this behavior, not to mention the fact that she went by me like I was standing still. Of course road bikes weigh far less than my full suspension mountain bike and the skinny tires roll much easier than mountain bike tires so I didn't feel too bad for looking like a portly old geezer for once. The thing that amuses me is that she asked if the trail we were on at the time loops back around to the parking lot. I told her it does and that it gets far more rocky and steep towards the bottom, definitely not road bike terrain. Now, I've blown tires up this trail with my heavy duty mountain bike tires and she's riding on tires that are far more prone to flats, even on roads. How she planned on getting down with both tires intact was not exactly obvious, not to mention what kind of damage she was going to do to her ass riding on a very rigid bike. Unfortunately my path for the day veered off to head directly up the mountain so I didn't get to see how this debacle ended. Bummer and double bummer since she was rather comely.
You just never know what you are going to see on the trails around here and this isn't the first time I've found someone's antics to be amusing. About 6 weeks ago I was riding at the same location and just left the trailhead when this guy pointedly passes me on his cheap, hybrid crossover bike. This bike is better suited to off-road use but still isn't the type bike you want to ride on the trails that I ride. I rode another half mile and he was pulled over on the side of the trail and wanted to know where the trails went. I told him it really depended on which trail you take as to the distance and degree of difficulty. He was rather proud of himself for having passed me when earlier, not knowing that I was still in my warmup phase before things started to get steep. He told me he was just going to follow me and see where I went on my way up. It should be noted at this time that this guy had no helmet and obviously had no previous experience with mountain biking. Slightly annoyed with him, I decided that I was just going to ignore him for the rest of my ride. Fifteen minutes later when the slope decides to get serious, I glanced back to see where the dogs were and I saw him about 100 yards behind me.....walking his bike up trail with a determined look on his face. I figuered he was going to get the hint that he wasn't prepared for this trail and went on my way, turning onto another trail that gets rather strenuous and technical in spots. Ten minutes and two switchbacks later and I look down the mountain and see him again, still pushing his bike up the first switchback, though he was looking far more dejected at this point in time.. There is no way in hell I would ride down this trail without a helmet, let alone on the bike he was riding but he kept on following me. Eventually I got so far ahead of him that I couldn't see him anymore so once again, I didn't get to see the end of this debacle. It's just so funny to me because this guy was so pleased that he had passed a "Hardcore" mountain biker (which I really don't consider myself as) on his cheap ass bike with no helmet, only to end up biting off far more than he could chew, resorting to what I like to call "The Push of Shame" (that being where the trail gets so tough that you have to shamefully dismount your bike and push it up the hill). There weren't any cases of head trauma from a mountain biking accident in the ER that day that I know of so he must have made his way down in one piece somehow, though I'm sure he has a greater appreciation of what a near middle aged, portly guy with the right kind of equipment can do. Don't mess with NoJoN people!
You just never know what you are going to see on the trails around here and this isn't the first time I've found someone's antics to be amusing. About 6 weeks ago I was riding at the same location and just left the trailhead when this guy pointedly passes me on his cheap, hybrid crossover bike. This bike is better suited to off-road use but still isn't the type bike you want to ride on the trails that I ride. I rode another half mile and he was pulled over on the side of the trail and wanted to know where the trails went. I told him it really depended on which trail you take as to the distance and degree of difficulty. He was rather proud of himself for having passed me when earlier, not knowing that I was still in my warmup phase before things started to get steep. He told me he was just going to follow me and see where I went on my way up. It should be noted at this time that this guy had no helmet and obviously had no previous experience with mountain biking. Slightly annoyed with him, I decided that I was just going to ignore him for the rest of my ride. Fifteen minutes later when the slope decides to get serious, I glanced back to see where the dogs were and I saw him about 100 yards behind me.....walking his bike up trail with a determined look on his face. I figuered he was going to get the hint that he wasn't prepared for this trail and went on my way, turning onto another trail that gets rather strenuous and technical in spots. Ten minutes and two switchbacks later and I look down the mountain and see him again, still pushing his bike up the first switchback, though he was looking far more dejected at this point in time.. There is no way in hell I would ride down this trail without a helmet, let alone on the bike he was riding but he kept on following me. Eventually I got so far ahead of him that I couldn't see him anymore so once again, I didn't get to see the end of this debacle. It's just so funny to me because this guy was so pleased that he had passed a "Hardcore" mountain biker (which I really don't consider myself as) on his cheap ass bike with no helmet, only to end up biting off far more than he could chew, resorting to what I like to call "The Push of Shame" (that being where the trail gets so tough that you have to shamefully dismount your bike and push it up the hill). There weren't any cases of head trauma from a mountain biking accident in the ER that day that I know of so he must have made his way down in one piece somehow, though I'm sure he has a greater appreciation of what a near middle aged, portly guy with the right kind of equipment can do. Don't mess with NoJoN people!
Saturday, October 22, 2011
Mid life crisis?
So, I guess I've either entered or am very close to entering that "mid life" stage of my existence. That's great and everything but the problem is that I absolutely refuse to grow up! I look at all these people who are close to my age and it seems like they are all far more grown up or mature than I am. This doesn't bother me at all but I just find it interesting. The fact that I'm not married, don't have kids and don't own my own home has a lot to do with this I'm sure. I just don't want to act like I'm nearly 40!
I talked a little bit about the identity issue that I face earlier this week and I suppose this ties into that a great deal, this quandry into the subject is a great deal more light hearted though. I kind of sit in an awkward position as far as the demographics of people that I spend the majority of my time with, that being those people that I work with. Half of our work force in the laboratory is close to their retirements age, whereas the other half is in their late 20's and early 30's. I have a tendency to view the older crowd in the lab as a bunch of "fuddy duddys". There really isn't a whole lot of socialization or personality going on there. We have 2 genuine "crazy cat ladys", a gentleman who seems to be in a perpetual state of glum and another woman who insists on being the lab martyr. The younger crowd is far more diverse and normalized (well, about as normalized as a bunch of anal retentive laboratorians can be...I do not consider myself to be in this "normalized" bunch in any way shape or form though). A few already have kids and they just seem to act far more mature than I do. I concede that I don't really act like your typical 39 year old (if there really is such a thing) and I would guess that the age that I appear to be really be is around 30. I may not act like a mature 39 year old all the time but I can say that I have an "old soul" and have probably about as much life experience as someone ten years older than I am.
This brings up the old identity issue again because I really have no idea where I seem to belong. I'm very comfortable with people my own age and older but I always seem to relate better to those who are younger than I am. I spend a great deal of time at one of the coffee shops downtown trying to blend in with the Apple computer using, fancy latte drinking hipsters from the university (I drink sugar free cocoa or chai though). I write in my journal, blog on my iPad (hey look at me, I'm hip, I'm cool....I have an iPad) and generally spend a lot of time watching people. Watching people in downtown Missoula is never dull......you literally never know what you are going to see. Anything goes here in the fashion department, just last week I saw a guy walking down the street with gold latex hot pants on. There is also a hot yoga studio just down the street from the coffee shop and I observe quite a few women all dressed up in hip yoga attire, mats strung across their backs's, coming and going from there. I have come to the conclusion that yoga either makes women smoking hot or only smoking hot women engage in yoga. I'm not sure about either hypothesis so more data needs to gathered and analyzed on the subject. The best "anything goes in Missoula" attire would have to be the the twentysomething woman I saw walking down the street in a black thong leotard, neon pink tights and baggy sweater half off the shouder 'ala Flashdance. I haven't seen that kind of outfit since the late 80's. She wore it proudly and I must say she wore it well though.
Another thing that I have noticed is that it's hip to have a beat up old street bicycle for you to totter around on in a lazy fashion (often while listening to one's iPod). It's so popular here that I see women riding in short skirts all the time. The more torn up the bike is, the more fashionable it is to be seen riding it. My street bike is still very brand new and isn't beat up at all so I guess I don't rate as a hipster in that category. As far as vehicles go though, I am very hip according to Missoula standards. As with street bikes, the more worn your vehicle looks, the more hip it is perceived to be. Granted, even though the offical vehicle of Missoula, Montana is the Subaru wagon and I drive a Mazda 3 wagon, my car is very, very hip. My car started out life as an immaculate, got washed and cleaned every week, titanium grey sports wagon. No four legged animal was even remotely allowed anywhere near my baby. Moving to Kauai changed all of that overnight. JackJack was riding in the car with me nearly everyday on our trips to the beach or to the often muddy trail that we hiked or mountain biked. To this day I still can't believe there are NO self serve car washes on the ENTIRE island. There are car vacuums at every gas station there but they are all broken because they are clogged with sand from the beaches all over the island. If you are going to have a vacuum at a gas station on Kauai, it has to be broken or you aren't really a local. Soon enough, my car was filled with dog hair and about half of a ton of sand from the various exploits I had on Kauai. Couple with that the fact that I left my sunroof open one night when we got over 20 inches of rain in a 24 hour period (I'm not exaggerating and that whole affair is a story for another time), not to mention the various dings and scratches in my car, and it looks sufficiently worn. Add all of the Dave Matthews Band and Hawaii stickers, a rooftop Yakima rack with bike attachments and a rocket box and you have a regular old Missoula hipstermobile.
Sigh....I'm meandering quite a bit today. So where do I fit in? I have no idea, though I'm guessing that I really do better with a younger crowd. Maybe I can make it cool to be that old guy who hangs out with people 10 years younger than he is.....or I can just be that creepy guy sitting in the hipster coffee shop pretending like he's hip and cool drooling over the yoga women walking by all day.....only time with tell!
I talked a little bit about the identity issue that I face earlier this week and I suppose this ties into that a great deal, this quandry into the subject is a great deal more light hearted though. I kind of sit in an awkward position as far as the demographics of people that I spend the majority of my time with, that being those people that I work with. Half of our work force in the laboratory is close to their retirements age, whereas the other half is in their late 20's and early 30's. I have a tendency to view the older crowd in the lab as a bunch of "fuddy duddys". There really isn't a whole lot of socialization or personality going on there. We have 2 genuine "crazy cat ladys", a gentleman who seems to be in a perpetual state of glum and another woman who insists on being the lab martyr. The younger crowd is far more diverse and normalized (well, about as normalized as a bunch of anal retentive laboratorians can be...I do not consider myself to be in this "normalized" bunch in any way shape or form though). A few already have kids and they just seem to act far more mature than I do. I concede that I don't really act like your typical 39 year old (if there really is such a thing) and I would guess that the age that I appear to be really be is around 30. I may not act like a mature 39 year old all the time but I can say that I have an "old soul" and have probably about as much life experience as someone ten years older than I am.
This brings up the old identity issue again because I really have no idea where I seem to belong. I'm very comfortable with people my own age and older but I always seem to relate better to those who are younger than I am. I spend a great deal of time at one of the coffee shops downtown trying to blend in with the Apple computer using, fancy latte drinking hipsters from the university (I drink sugar free cocoa or chai though). I write in my journal, blog on my iPad (hey look at me, I'm hip, I'm cool....I have an iPad) and generally spend a lot of time watching people. Watching people in downtown Missoula is never dull......you literally never know what you are going to see. Anything goes here in the fashion department, just last week I saw a guy walking down the street with gold latex hot pants on. There is also a hot yoga studio just down the street from the coffee shop and I observe quite a few women all dressed up in hip yoga attire, mats strung across their backs's, coming and going from there. I have come to the conclusion that yoga either makes women smoking hot or only smoking hot women engage in yoga. I'm not sure about either hypothesis so more data needs to gathered and analyzed on the subject. The best "anything goes in Missoula" attire would have to be the the twentysomething woman I saw walking down the street in a black thong leotard, neon pink tights and baggy sweater half off the shouder 'ala Flashdance. I haven't seen that kind of outfit since the late 80's. She wore it proudly and I must say she wore it well though.
Another thing that I have noticed is that it's hip to have a beat up old street bicycle for you to totter around on in a lazy fashion (often while listening to one's iPod). It's so popular here that I see women riding in short skirts all the time. The more torn up the bike is, the more fashionable it is to be seen riding it. My street bike is still very brand new and isn't beat up at all so I guess I don't rate as a hipster in that category. As far as vehicles go though, I am very hip according to Missoula standards. As with street bikes, the more worn your vehicle looks, the more hip it is perceived to be. Granted, even though the offical vehicle of Missoula, Montana is the Subaru wagon and I drive a Mazda 3 wagon, my car is very, very hip. My car started out life as an immaculate, got washed and cleaned every week, titanium grey sports wagon. No four legged animal was even remotely allowed anywhere near my baby. Moving to Kauai changed all of that overnight. JackJack was riding in the car with me nearly everyday on our trips to the beach or to the often muddy trail that we hiked or mountain biked. To this day I still can't believe there are NO self serve car washes on the ENTIRE island. There are car vacuums at every gas station there but they are all broken because they are clogged with sand from the beaches all over the island. If you are going to have a vacuum at a gas station on Kauai, it has to be broken or you aren't really a local. Soon enough, my car was filled with dog hair and about half of a ton of sand from the various exploits I had on Kauai. Couple with that the fact that I left my sunroof open one night when we got over 20 inches of rain in a 24 hour period (I'm not exaggerating and that whole affair is a story for another time), not to mention the various dings and scratches in my car, and it looks sufficiently worn. Add all of the Dave Matthews Band and Hawaii stickers, a rooftop Yakima rack with bike attachments and a rocket box and you have a regular old Missoula hipstermobile.
Sigh....I'm meandering quite a bit today. So where do I fit in? I have no idea, though I'm guessing that I really do better with a younger crowd. Maybe I can make it cool to be that old guy who hangs out with people 10 years younger than he is.....or I can just be that creepy guy sitting in the hipster coffee shop pretending like he's hip and cool drooling over the yoga women walking by all day.....only time with tell!
Wednesday, October 19, 2011
Just who the hell is this NoJoN guy anyway?
Imagine that one day someone comes up to you and says,"Guess what? Everything that you been told, know and think about yourself is a lie!". If someone actually told you that, what would you say? More importantly, what would you think? Well, one day about 5 months ago someone actually said that to me. Not only did this person (who happens to be a Doctor) tell me that but he also told me that I had to learn a completely different language (in a sense).
You see I was brought up in a household where I was treated far worse than most people treat their pets. I was not loved, I was not comforted, I was not protected and I most certainly was not nurtured. This is not some sob story designed to gain sympathy from people because there are cases that are far, far worse than anything that I experienced growing up. What I'm getting at is that due to the way that I was treated in our household, I was received what could only be described as programming. This programming formed the foundation of how I viewed myself and all the interactions that I had with people up until the very moment that I was told that I had to learn a new language. That new language is the language of loving myself and believing that I am a good person. Um....okay, seems easy enough......NOT!
So this really begs the question, "Just who the hell am I?". I literally always believed that there was something wrong with me and that's why I was treated in the manner that I was by various members of my family. That is a very powerful message to grow up with, this led to deductions like "No one likes or understands me.", "There is something wrong with me.", and "I'm always going to be alone because I don't deserve to be loved.". These aren't conscious thoughts either, these are so natural to me that I still struggle with them today. It was so automatic for me, I never questioned it....ever...until about 5 months ago. So, I have to learn this new language but to really begin, I have to figure out who I am in the first place. Everyday I wake up and I have to be mindful of random thoughts that come into my head. I have to ask myself, "Is this really me or is this just my programming telling me what to think?". I'm not going to lie to you, it's really hard. Where does the programming end and where do I begin? Which thoughts are actually my own? More difficult still, which thoughts are correct? Am I a good person or am I a bad one?
This has created a bit of an identity crisis for me. I want very much to love me and accept myself for who I am but I really have no idea who that is. I can tell you things like I'm a huge Dave Matthews Band fan, I'm extremely liberal, I love all things science fiction, I wish I was more of a hippie, my dogs are the most important people in the whole world to me and I seem to have a predisposition for sports that involve going downhill at high rates of speed and crashing. None of that tells me how I feel about myself though. People do say that I am a nice guy and everything but that really doesn't matter if I don't believe it myself. I will say that I have made a fair number of steps toward a more balanced view of myself but there are still significant hurdles in my path. Bumping into my ex-girlfriend at DMB at the Gorge this year really dealt me a significant blow. About this time last year things go so out of hand in our relationship and I was manipulated so badly that I actually have a 4 inch long self inflicted scar on my right arm. Lisa and her family took my existing programming and threw it into meltdown. I have no idea how badly I was manipulated but occasionally I have an "AHA" moment of clarity and I am truly staggered. I still have such a hard time even accepting that people could be so cruel and that I didn't deserve anything that was thrust upon me during that 6 month period. I'm never going to know the truth and that really bothers me! Was I really the best person I could be in the situation? I don't know and it doesn't matter......but it does matter to me. That is the problem, that is my programming talking there. My programming wants to know the real situation because it refuses to believe that I didn't deserve exactly what I got. I hate it so much! I just want to know so I can make my own judgement! Nothing is what it seems..ever...and that's what makes it so hard!
I have to be very careful at this point in time so I don't fall back into old patterns. I am doing much better but I am struggling at this point. The important thing is that I do struggle though. Struggling means that I am at least questioning the automatic thoughts that pop into my head on a daily basis. Struggling means I am trying and not giving up. I am in a very vulnerable position right now, the weather is changing and that means no more mountain biking in the near future. I have a good group of friends but with two exceptions, none of them live here in Missoula so my support system is not where I would like it to be. I am doing fairly well at work but there is absolutely no positive feedback present there and there are very few people who I can trust and who actually know my story. I refuse to give up though, I have to stay as positive as I possibly can be against all odds. I can do this, it isn't going to be easy but I can do it. It's going to take some long, hard work but I'm going to find out who this NoJoN person is....and in the end, I will love him.
You see I was brought up in a household where I was treated far worse than most people treat their pets. I was not loved, I was not comforted, I was not protected and I most certainly was not nurtured. This is not some sob story designed to gain sympathy from people because there are cases that are far, far worse than anything that I experienced growing up. What I'm getting at is that due to the way that I was treated in our household, I was received what could only be described as programming. This programming formed the foundation of how I viewed myself and all the interactions that I had with people up until the very moment that I was told that I had to learn a new language. That new language is the language of loving myself and believing that I am a good person. Um....okay, seems easy enough......NOT!
So this really begs the question, "Just who the hell am I?". I literally always believed that there was something wrong with me and that's why I was treated in the manner that I was by various members of my family. That is a very powerful message to grow up with, this led to deductions like "No one likes or understands me.", "There is something wrong with me.", and "I'm always going to be alone because I don't deserve to be loved.". These aren't conscious thoughts either, these are so natural to me that I still struggle with them today. It was so automatic for me, I never questioned it....ever...until about 5 months ago. So, I have to learn this new language but to really begin, I have to figure out who I am in the first place. Everyday I wake up and I have to be mindful of random thoughts that come into my head. I have to ask myself, "Is this really me or is this just my programming telling me what to think?". I'm not going to lie to you, it's really hard. Where does the programming end and where do I begin? Which thoughts are actually my own? More difficult still, which thoughts are correct? Am I a good person or am I a bad one?
This has created a bit of an identity crisis for me. I want very much to love me and accept myself for who I am but I really have no idea who that is. I can tell you things like I'm a huge Dave Matthews Band fan, I'm extremely liberal, I love all things science fiction, I wish I was more of a hippie, my dogs are the most important people in the whole world to me and I seem to have a predisposition for sports that involve going downhill at high rates of speed and crashing. None of that tells me how I feel about myself though. People do say that I am a nice guy and everything but that really doesn't matter if I don't believe it myself. I will say that I have made a fair number of steps toward a more balanced view of myself but there are still significant hurdles in my path. Bumping into my ex-girlfriend at DMB at the Gorge this year really dealt me a significant blow. About this time last year things go so out of hand in our relationship and I was manipulated so badly that I actually have a 4 inch long self inflicted scar on my right arm. Lisa and her family took my existing programming and threw it into meltdown. I have no idea how badly I was manipulated but occasionally I have an "AHA" moment of clarity and I am truly staggered. I still have such a hard time even accepting that people could be so cruel and that I didn't deserve anything that was thrust upon me during that 6 month period. I'm never going to know the truth and that really bothers me! Was I really the best person I could be in the situation? I don't know and it doesn't matter......but it does matter to me. That is the problem, that is my programming talking there. My programming wants to know the real situation because it refuses to believe that I didn't deserve exactly what I got. I hate it so much! I just want to know so I can make my own judgement! Nothing is what it seems..ever...and that's what makes it so hard!
I have to be very careful at this point in time so I don't fall back into old patterns. I am doing much better but I am struggling at this point. The important thing is that I do struggle though. Struggling means that I am at least questioning the automatic thoughts that pop into my head on a daily basis. Struggling means I am trying and not giving up. I am in a very vulnerable position right now, the weather is changing and that means no more mountain biking in the near future. I have a good group of friends but with two exceptions, none of them live here in Missoula so my support system is not where I would like it to be. I am doing fairly well at work but there is absolutely no positive feedback present there and there are very few people who I can trust and who actually know my story. I refuse to give up though, I have to stay as positive as I possibly can be against all odds. I can do this, it isn't going to be easy but I can do it. It's going to take some long, hard work but I'm going to find out who this NoJoN person is....and in the end, I will love him.
Wednesday, October 5, 2011
Sympathy vs. Empathy
I had an interesting thought today having to do with sympathy and empathy. The two terms are often synonymous with each other but do they really represent the same thing? As a medical professional this is a very relevant topic for me. Often times when working in the medical field it is easy to become detached from all of the sickness and death associated with the profession. It is essential to maintain some fine balance without becoming too emotionally attached or detached. This is where the sympathy vs. empathy question comes into play. Sympathy is an important concept in patient care but I feel empathy is far more important. Empathy implies that you have a sort of connection or understanding of a given situation whereas sympathy I feel means only to feel sorry for a situation. I had a pretty heavy session with my new therapist today, he is still getting a feel for who I am and what my experiences are. I spent most of the hour trying to convey some of the events that shaped who I am today. After just a brief synopsis he told me that he has a lot of sympathy for me due to the unfortunate experiences I've had over the last 39 years. I told him that I didn't want anyone's sympathy, I just want answers to my questions and who I am. He corrected himself then and told me that he had empathy for my situation. I want sympathy from no one really, empathy on the other hand is far more welcome. What is the difference really? Does sympathy equal pity? Does empathy convey a much more deep understanding or connection? To me when someone empathizes with you, that they feel for your experience as an equal. Perhaps that there is some kind of common ground that you share together. Sympathy just seems to have a "Wow, that sucks", kind of connotation to it. Whereas empathy implies more emotional weight to it. I said it earlier and I say it again, I want no one's sympathy or pity, I think it's degrading in a way. I'm not saying that all sympathy is bad, I just prefer empathy. When dealing with patients in a hospital situation I think this is especially important. We should not pity patients, we should empathize with them. I don't know, maybe I'm just confused or full of shit. Is there really a difference between sympathy or empathy? I guess that it could be very subjective in nature, I just know how I feel about it and I will continue to try to be empathetic to people's troubles and experiences whether they be physical in nature or mental.
Tuesday, October 4, 2011
Thirty Nine
So, today is my 39th birthday. I state this not to garner attention but rather as a statement that warrants reflection. With all that has happened within the last year of my life, it feels like it's been 39 years since my 38th birthday. It was this time last year that my life began to become unmanageable, things had been falling apart for over three years but this is when I completely began to lose control. The six months that followed were no doubt some of the darkest of my life. I was tested everyday in ways that I could never have possibly imagined before. I still don't know the details of what really happened and who was really involved but I will just say that I was manipulated and tortured. This entry isn't about that though, this is about what happened afterward.
I am fortunate enough to have experienced a rebirth of sorts (not in the religious sense). My eyes were opened to a great many things over the last six months. I have learned things about myself that I had absolutely no idea existed. I learned to look at myself and my experiences in a new light and I learned that deep down, I am strong and that I am a fighter. Much has changed in this time but much has stayed the same. I still face many of the challenges that I did beforehand, work is still a very toxic and compassionless place, I am still having problems meeting friends that I can be open and vulnerable with, I still have financial problems and I still have a great deal of weight to lose. What has changed is how I view said problems and how I deal with them. I accept the things that I cannot change at work though there are those who accuse me of not caring. This is far from the case though, in order for change to come about, a situation often has to hit rock bottom and an outside force may be needed to intervene. A train wreck is immenent within the lab but you won't find me sacrificing myself by hurtling myself on the tracks in a last ditch effort to stop the train. I have given my input to the appropriate resources and that is good enough for me.
Meeting people outside of work continues to be my most significant challenge. I spent most of the last 4 years of my life either in hiding or under the influence of a very manipulative relationship. This has left me extremely hesitant and somewhat at a loss as to how people form friendships in the first place. It is important for me to realize that this is just going to take time and that I do have friends, they just don't live in Missoula.
I am working on my financial problems with the very gracious help of my father.
My weight loss issues are a continuing work in progress, mountain 4-5 days a week has significantly helped with this and helped my self esteem greatly. The possible long term health consequences of the sedentary lifestyle I adopted since my return from Kauai have been an excellent motivator. It feels good to get regular exercise and eat a healthier diet. There is always room for improvement and that's okay.
Finally, I thankfully have little or no drama in my life right now and am very happy about that. My outlook has a bit of a "Destination Unknown" feel to it.....and that's perfectly okay with me. For the time being I'm going to continue to work on myself and learn more about what it is that makes Jon tick. Hopefully I will be able to look back on the upcoming year on my 40th birthday and see how far I've come during that time. Someone once said, "Life is not a destination, but a journey". Life is indeed a journey and I plan on enjoying the scenery along the way!
I am fortunate enough to have experienced a rebirth of sorts (not in the religious sense). My eyes were opened to a great many things over the last six months. I have learned things about myself that I had absolutely no idea existed. I learned to look at myself and my experiences in a new light and I learned that deep down, I am strong and that I am a fighter. Much has changed in this time but much has stayed the same. I still face many of the challenges that I did beforehand, work is still a very toxic and compassionless place, I am still having problems meeting friends that I can be open and vulnerable with, I still have financial problems and I still have a great deal of weight to lose. What has changed is how I view said problems and how I deal with them. I accept the things that I cannot change at work though there are those who accuse me of not caring. This is far from the case though, in order for change to come about, a situation often has to hit rock bottom and an outside force may be needed to intervene. A train wreck is immenent within the lab but you won't find me sacrificing myself by hurtling myself on the tracks in a last ditch effort to stop the train. I have given my input to the appropriate resources and that is good enough for me.
Meeting people outside of work continues to be my most significant challenge. I spent most of the last 4 years of my life either in hiding or under the influence of a very manipulative relationship. This has left me extremely hesitant and somewhat at a loss as to how people form friendships in the first place. It is important for me to realize that this is just going to take time and that I do have friends, they just don't live in Missoula.
I am working on my financial problems with the very gracious help of my father.
My weight loss issues are a continuing work in progress, mountain 4-5 days a week has significantly helped with this and helped my self esteem greatly. The possible long term health consequences of the sedentary lifestyle I adopted since my return from Kauai have been an excellent motivator. It feels good to get regular exercise and eat a healthier diet. There is always room for improvement and that's okay.
Finally, I thankfully have little or no drama in my life right now and am very happy about that. My outlook has a bit of a "Destination Unknown" feel to it.....and that's perfectly okay with me. For the time being I'm going to continue to work on myself and learn more about what it is that makes Jon tick. Hopefully I will be able to look back on the upcoming year on my 40th birthday and see how far I've come during that time. Someone once said, "Life is not a destination, but a journey". Life is indeed a journey and I plan on enjoying the scenery along the way!
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