Well here we are, X-mas is over and the long process known as Winter has come to Missoula, Montana. The holidays are always a time of struggle for me and this year is no different than previous years. Some weeks it seems so hard to keep a positive attitude, let alone get out of bed even. It's interesting that the things that help me the most are the first things that fall by the wayside. Things like walking the dogs, working out and hanging out at my favorite coffee shop are very important to my general mental health but I either haven't been able to do these things because of my work schedule, the holidays or just a lack of motivation. It really doesn't help that I was scheduled for six days in a row starting last Friday through the entire X-mas weekend and that I'm also scheduled to work all of the New Years weekend. This is the lab manager's way of getting back at me for what she thinks is a two month vacation when in actuality, it was two months spent in the hospital and then at a treatment center in Seattle while on medical leave. Couple with that the fact that my annual review and raise are over 4 months overdue and I have more than a little animosity towards things at work. As far as the whole sleep thing goes, I go through periods of time where I find my dream life far more interesting than my real life so I really don't have a lot of motivation to get out of bed. My Mother, who happens to very toxic for me, is the root of a great deal of my problems and who is an ultra hypochondriac, was recently diagnosed with lymphoma and I've had numerous relatives and friends of hers call me to inform and insinuate that I'm a terrible son for not keeping in touch with her or visiting her during her time of need. Contact with my Mother is very bad for me so I absolutely have to keep my distance from her. Her entire life is devoted to making people feel sorry for her and my sister's death and this whole lymphoma thing just amplifies everything to unbearable proportions for me. The type of lymphoma that she has has over a 90% cure rate so I am not concerned about her health at this point in time. What I am concerned about is being judged by people who have no idea what me and my sister suffered through growing up in my Mother's household. I have good reason for keeping my distance from Mom, she emotionally and physically abused us both growing up and about 17 years ago decided that the world should feel sorry for her and has been throwing a pity party ever since. Of course phone calls from her relatives and friends only reinforce the strong notions that I am a bad person and my newfound self esteem suffers greatly because of it. I hate waking up everyday feeling like I'm a bad person, it really sucks. Things in the dating department haven't been going well either, I've all but completely given up on the idea that I'm ever going to find someone who will put up with all the baggage that I'm carrying around, not to mention how weird my personality is. This is such a bad attitude but it's so hard not to feel this way. I was burned very badly this year and it's natural to feel like dating is impossible at this age for someone who is a huge nerd and doesn't really want anything to do with kids. All of the above has negative effects on my daily attitudes and it really shows at work. Working a six day stretch over a holiday is bad enough, working both holidays without a day off before or after is almost intolerable and my attitude at work as of late has been shitty as hell. I'm short with people on the phone, I'm easily irritated, and I constantly think about wanting to be at home. This also contributes to the whole "I'm a bad person" notion and taking everything above as a whole, it becomes this whole negative feedback loop that if left unabated, can easily lead to a situation similar to the one I found myself in a year ago.
So dear reader, did you get through that whole spiel of negativity and self loathing? There are a great deal of positive things going in my life right now and at times like these, it's very important that I recognize what's good in my life and focus on those things instead of all the crap that I listed above. I'm going back to the gym tonight after a week long absence and that always seems to help things nicely. I was fortunate enough to get a very nice pair of snowshoes from my Dad and Stepmother for X-mas and all that is needed before I can traipse around the local mountains is a fair amount of snow. The few good friends that I do have, are indeed very good friends and keep tabs on me and encourage me when needed. My Dad is here for the next few days and I coincidentally have the next two days off and I'm looking foreward to spending some time with him. I always have the dogs who are happy to see me every night when I come home from work and I will be hiking with them over the next few days so they will be very happy about that. All in all, things aren't as bad as I think they are, the key is that I know I'm in a slump and I need to keep things in perspective and actively try to bring myself out of things instead of sinking any lower. A negative thought pattern and a bad attitude only lead to more negativity, there are things in life that are negative that we cannot prevent from happening, the key is to recognize what's good and focus on those things instead.
Wednesday, December 28, 2011
Friday, December 9, 2011
Turning Tables
Just out of the blue I found a song by Adele by the name of "Turning Tables" that elicited a rather strong emotional response from me. You can find the lyrics here: http://www.metrolyrics.com/turning-tables-lyrics-adele.html
I frequently express my emotions through the music that I listen to, those who can successfully decipher the meaning that specific songs have for me are the people who see the innermost portions of my soul that I try to keep hidden. Four years ago I met a woman who could see straight through my defenses to see the vulnerable child that lives within in me. The problem is that this woman was someone with far deeper emotional scars than the ones that I carry. Instead of attempting to nurture my inner child and draw him to the surface, she sought to destroy it.
Have you ever woke up from a nightmare that was so frighteningly real that you had soaked the sheets with sweat and wondered if the dream was real? Unfortunately I recently woke up from a nightmare that was all too real. Many people who know me know that last year at this time that I was dealing with a crisis where through some very strange details, my girlfriend had fallen into a coma, I wasn't allowed to go see her and her family was emotionally torturing me. It was perhaps the darkest time of my life. I had just made the decision to end a three year long distance relationship that was extremely unhealthy and was going nowhere. Not a week later I got a very angry and abusive text stating that my ex-girlfriend had fallen into a coma following a routine surgery to remove some ovarian cysts and that I was the worst of the worst of people for abandoning her in her hour of need. I was absolutely devastated by the news and had a very public breakdown at work as a result. I tried to travel to Seattle to be by her side and show my support for someone whom I still loved very much. I was denied this chance and received severe emotional torment instead. Her family wouldn't even talk to me on the phone, so all the information and punishment was given via text. This lasted for just over 5 months with the story getting more and more outlandish at every turn....as did the punishment. Finally, after having my entire soul run over, spit on and set fire, I made a plan to end my life and ended up in the hospital for a week. Realizing that the onslaught of emotional abuse was slowly killing someone who had suffered enough abuse during his childhood, the psychiatrists told me I had to write one final email and move on with me life. I did as I was instructed and apologized for not having the fortitude to stick with things to the end and sent what was to be my final communication with my ex-girlfriend and her family off. I was discharged the next day and was very surprised to receive a phone call from my fresh out of her coma and perfectly fine now ex- girlfriend. Stunned, I told her that I loved her and that I couldn't do this anymore. She said that it was okay and that she was getting out of the hospital in a few weeks (after having been in a coma for nearly six months) and that she was going to go back to her ex-fiancé and marry him shortly after. She wanted to keep calling me but I told her that I really needed to move on with my life and that she should too. She reluctantly agreed and we went our separate ways. Four weeks later I received a text from her stating that she had called my ex-wife and that Stephanie had told her all manner of awful things about me and that she now knew what kind of person I really am. I tried slitting my wrists an hour later and thus began my first step to a new life inadvertently.
The rest is history now. I got the help I needed and I have since begun the process of making myself whole for the first time in my life. Over the last four months through the help of my therapist I have come to the conclusion that most or all of the story presented above was all one big lie. A lie designed to do one thing and one thing only, punish me for breaking up with her in the first place. In fact, it seems that a great deal of the last three years was all one big lie. I ask myself everyday, how I could have fallen for everything? She preyed upon my underlying belief that I was less than a person who is destined to walk his entire life alone and devoid of love. Though I know better now, I allowed myself to be controlled by someone who has far deeper problems than I can possibly imagine. I am not mad at my ex, I am hurt and at a loss for words but I'm not mad. Those who know and love me are a different story, they are irate to say the least and I appreciate that.
I'm finally starting to come to terms with what happened at the end of last year and the beginning of this year. It's certainly not been easy, the old me still wants to believe that I was the one at fault for walking out on a loved one in a time of need. That is the old me though. I needed to tell this story, certainly not for sympathy's sake but so that I can put one more step father away from the whole incident. I still have dreams about the whole thing and my conscience wants to tell me I was wrong but I have to remember and believe that I tried the best I could to do the right thing and that the whole mess was most likely made up in the first place. I have her to thank for all the progress I've made in the last six months, I never would have taken those first steps down the road to peace and happiness if someone hadn't driven me to the point of almost taking my life. For that reason, I will never be angry about the subject. After all, she needs far more help than I ever did and she's the one who has to live with herself at the end of the day. So for that reason, I dedicate Adele's song, "Turning Tables", to my ex-girlfriend.
I frequently express my emotions through the music that I listen to, those who can successfully decipher the meaning that specific songs have for me are the people who see the innermost portions of my soul that I try to keep hidden. Four years ago I met a woman who could see straight through my defenses to see the vulnerable child that lives within in me. The problem is that this woman was someone with far deeper emotional scars than the ones that I carry. Instead of attempting to nurture my inner child and draw him to the surface, she sought to destroy it.
Have you ever woke up from a nightmare that was so frighteningly real that you had soaked the sheets with sweat and wondered if the dream was real? Unfortunately I recently woke up from a nightmare that was all too real. Many people who know me know that last year at this time that I was dealing with a crisis where through some very strange details, my girlfriend had fallen into a coma, I wasn't allowed to go see her and her family was emotionally torturing me. It was perhaps the darkest time of my life. I had just made the decision to end a three year long distance relationship that was extremely unhealthy and was going nowhere. Not a week later I got a very angry and abusive text stating that my ex-girlfriend had fallen into a coma following a routine surgery to remove some ovarian cysts and that I was the worst of the worst of people for abandoning her in her hour of need. I was absolutely devastated by the news and had a very public breakdown at work as a result. I tried to travel to Seattle to be by her side and show my support for someone whom I still loved very much. I was denied this chance and received severe emotional torment instead. Her family wouldn't even talk to me on the phone, so all the information and punishment was given via text. This lasted for just over 5 months with the story getting more and more outlandish at every turn....as did the punishment. Finally, after having my entire soul run over, spit on and set fire, I made a plan to end my life and ended up in the hospital for a week. Realizing that the onslaught of emotional abuse was slowly killing someone who had suffered enough abuse during his childhood, the psychiatrists told me I had to write one final email and move on with me life. I did as I was instructed and apologized for not having the fortitude to stick with things to the end and sent what was to be my final communication with my ex-girlfriend and her family off. I was discharged the next day and was very surprised to receive a phone call from my fresh out of her coma and perfectly fine now ex- girlfriend. Stunned, I told her that I loved her and that I couldn't do this anymore. She said that it was okay and that she was getting out of the hospital in a few weeks (after having been in a coma for nearly six months) and that she was going to go back to her ex-fiancé and marry him shortly after. She wanted to keep calling me but I told her that I really needed to move on with my life and that she should too. She reluctantly agreed and we went our separate ways. Four weeks later I received a text from her stating that she had called my ex-wife and that Stephanie had told her all manner of awful things about me and that she now knew what kind of person I really am. I tried slitting my wrists an hour later and thus began my first step to a new life inadvertently.
The rest is history now. I got the help I needed and I have since begun the process of making myself whole for the first time in my life. Over the last four months through the help of my therapist I have come to the conclusion that most or all of the story presented above was all one big lie. A lie designed to do one thing and one thing only, punish me for breaking up with her in the first place. In fact, it seems that a great deal of the last three years was all one big lie. I ask myself everyday, how I could have fallen for everything? She preyed upon my underlying belief that I was less than a person who is destined to walk his entire life alone and devoid of love. Though I know better now, I allowed myself to be controlled by someone who has far deeper problems than I can possibly imagine. I am not mad at my ex, I am hurt and at a loss for words but I'm not mad. Those who know and love me are a different story, they are irate to say the least and I appreciate that.
I'm finally starting to come to terms with what happened at the end of last year and the beginning of this year. It's certainly not been easy, the old me still wants to believe that I was the one at fault for walking out on a loved one in a time of need. That is the old me though. I needed to tell this story, certainly not for sympathy's sake but so that I can put one more step father away from the whole incident. I still have dreams about the whole thing and my conscience wants to tell me I was wrong but I have to remember and believe that I tried the best I could to do the right thing and that the whole mess was most likely made up in the first place. I have her to thank for all the progress I've made in the last six months, I never would have taken those first steps down the road to peace and happiness if someone hadn't driven me to the point of almost taking my life. For that reason, I will never be angry about the subject. After all, she needs far more help than I ever did and she's the one who has to live with herself at the end of the day. So for that reason, I dedicate Adele's song, "Turning Tables", to my ex-girlfriend.
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