I am an extremely analytical person and these attitudes are very pervasive in my daily life. The problem is that this makes me a little bit of a loner because I spend far more time observing people as opposed to interacting them with them. This is fundamental problem that I spend a great deal of time trying to overcome. The problem stems from the fact that I am so observant and analytical that it leads to a certain amount of detachment from everything. Life is supposed to be experienced, not just watched.
I sit here in my coffee shop writing in my journal and posting on this blog.... all the while watching people walk by, coming to and fro and generally going about all their business. I love watching people but I find that I have a lot of anxiety when it comes to actually interacting with them. I live a pretty quiet life, that's not to say that I don't have things that I do, I just don't spend a lot of time with people outside of work. I have come to the conclusion that through my experiences over the last 5 years that I have forgotten how to make friends. I've been through quite a bit in these years and I carry a lot of shame over many things (there is a large difference between shame and guilt). I am generally so ashamed of myself that I automatically feel that most people that I meet on a daily basis wouldn't be interested in forming any kind of friendship with me. This is a very self defeating attitude that requires a lot of effort and self awarenss to overcome. I spend a lot of time trying to get past the shame that I carry and it's definitely an ongoing process. How do you make friends when you are so embarrassed of yourself and the state of your life at this point in time? Anxiety is a very powerful adversary and often means that I take the path of least resistance as opposed to facing things that cause my anxiety.
Shame is only half of the equation though. I've been hurt by people who were supposed to be friends and loved ones through the entirety of my life, so much so that I have learned that observation carries far less risk in rejection than interaction. So I watch people. I watch people and wonder how they met each other and what things they have in common to form the basis of a friendship. I used to have quite a few friends when I was married but the move to Hawaii and the less than amicable divorce (my ex-wife remarriend one of my groomsmen) combined to decimate quite a few friendships that I had with people. The fact that I fell into a spiral of depression really helped intensify feelings of isolation and lonelines. On a positive note, the friends that were left standing have proven to be some of the best friendships I've encountered in my lifetime.
Forming new friendships is absolutely essential to my well being but I have absolutely no idea where I'm supposed to start. I'm 39 now and most people my age are married and have families that keep them busy, I'm not going to find very many people my age that are going to have a lot time to devote to hanging out with me. Another problem is that I work evenings all the time so I'm not off when the vast majority of the population who work 9-5 have free time. Work itself poses it's on set of difficulties that don't reinforce a sense of worth or belonging within me. I work in a very dysfunctional environment where there is no loyalty or a sense of common ground with the exception of our shared misery (don't get me wrong, I feel very fortunate to have a job that lets me live in Missoula). So I sit here and journal 4-5 days a week and the same question/problem keeps repeating itself, how the hell do I meet people and form some friendships? I understand that this is absolutely necessary but I'm scared absolutely shitless of it. Beneath all my defenses and insecurities lies a very sensitive soul that really doesn't want to get hurt anymore.
I live in a liberal college town and I should be able to meet people just about anywhere but my nature is to do nothing but observe and draw as little attention to myself as possible. I hate being lonely yet it's exactly what I am comfortable with. It takes effort to produce growth and anything worth doing is rarely easy. I have to find positive ways to come out of my shell with people and believe that I have things to offer in friendship. I know that this is a process and that it takes time so I must be patient while putting myself out there. Hopefully things will develop over time with some self confidence and a little bit of luck.
I've come a long way in the last 9 months but that doesn't mean that I'm not faced with challenges and oppurtunities for growth. Maintaining a positive attitude and a certain level of patience is absolutely essential. I'm very grateful for the people who are in my life and hope they know this. I just need to find more ways to connect with people so I feel a greater sense of belonging.
Sunday, February 26, 2012
Wednesday, February 15, 2012
Internet dating 'effing blows!
Okay, I'm 39 and single. I've almost come to grips with that.....almost. One of the greatest challenges in my life at this point is finding people to hang out with and (gasp) pursuing romantic interests. My lifestyle really doesn't lend well to either of these pursuits and it is a source of constant anguish for me. The term "Normal" is rarely used to describe me (unless you mean normally insane) and this can create some barriers in meeting and forming relationships with people. I work until 10:30 at night in a windowless room populated with people that make the term "Anal Retentive" seem as loose as a breeze puffing through the Grand Canyon. This means that when most normal people are off of work going about the usual activties of life, I'm at work trying to find ways to deal with the multitudes of leaky urine specimens that find their way onto my counter (I plan on dedicating a whole post to that endeavor someday).
I have no social life, there is no way of sugar coating it. No social life usually means spending your Saturday evenings in a coffee shop writing a blog on how much internet dating sucks as opposed to going out with people you know to have fun. No social life means that I have to resort to extreme measures in finding members of the opposite sex who may or may not be interested in a long term partnership with a crazy guy. Extreme measures means Match.com in my case.
Internet dating is supposed to be far less taboo than it was just 5 years ago but I don't think that means that it's any more dignifying. Here's how it works: You start off by creating a propaganda filled synopsis of who you are and what you are looking for. This is a very important step, you want to list all of your top qualities (I'm still trying to figure out what mine are to this day) and find ways to embelish them enough to make yourself seem desirable without going too far overboard. Next you have to come up with some sort of tag line that sits at the top of for profile next to your picture (more on this later). This is usually some creative, witty statement that sums you up in just one sentence. That's great and everything but anyone who knows me knows that I can't sum anything up ten paragraphs as opposed to just one sentence. It took me forever but I decided to run with "Life is journey and not a destination". Pretty good, huh? At least I think so, if life were a destination, I would have discovered the destination to be the local Wal Mart parking lot and that I'm about 24th in line to park my Winnabago there.
Okay, so I have my somewhat edited and inflated profile (hey look at me, I'm normal I lived in Hawaii for two years, I'm cool and hip, I have an iPad....etc), my cheery/cheesy yet deep tag line, tons of pictures of me and the dogs doing our thing and I haven't had much more than a nibble in over 6 months now. You can send people "Winks" or emails but every time I send one off I can just hear the recipient saying "Who the fuck is this guy?" to themselves. My possibilities are so bleak that I've started wondering if life as a gay man would be more productive (kidding of course). I was conversing with a woman from Hamilton over the last 2 weeks and then all of a sudden I can't access her profile any longer, I guess I must either have leprosy or my profile screams Chester the molester. The other problem is that Missoula definitely has a very finite number of single women in their mid to late thirties. Couple that with my preference for one without children (something that I am currently reconsidering) and the odds of finding one without baggage (I certainly don't need that, especially after the last girlfriend) becomes very slim indeed.
Match.com? Whatever, more like Awkwardanddesperate.com. I think I'll cut my losses and try my luck (or lack thereof) out in the the real world. Hopefully my crazy woman magnet personality has toned itself down and my crazy woman detector is working better than it has in the past.
I'm going to be 40 in just over six months and as I'm sure is apparent, I'm in a bit of a panic. The older I get, the more bleak the sex life becomes and the more my midsection seems to expand. Oh well, I'm pretty sure that the dogs still love me, as long as their is food in their bowl and they get their daily puppy treats.
I have no social life, there is no way of sugar coating it. No social life usually means spending your Saturday evenings in a coffee shop writing a blog on how much internet dating sucks as opposed to going out with people you know to have fun. No social life means that I have to resort to extreme measures in finding members of the opposite sex who may or may not be interested in a long term partnership with a crazy guy. Extreme measures means Match.com in my case.
Internet dating is supposed to be far less taboo than it was just 5 years ago but I don't think that means that it's any more dignifying. Here's how it works: You start off by creating a propaganda filled synopsis of who you are and what you are looking for. This is a very important step, you want to list all of your top qualities (I'm still trying to figure out what mine are to this day) and find ways to embelish them enough to make yourself seem desirable without going too far overboard. Next you have to come up with some sort of tag line that sits at the top of for profile next to your picture (more on this later). This is usually some creative, witty statement that sums you up in just one sentence. That's great and everything but anyone who knows me knows that I can't sum anything up ten paragraphs as opposed to just one sentence. It took me forever but I decided to run with "Life is journey and not a destination". Pretty good, huh? At least I think so, if life were a destination, I would have discovered the destination to be the local Wal Mart parking lot and that I'm about 24th in line to park my Winnabago there.
Okay, so I have my somewhat edited and inflated profile (hey look at me, I'm normal I lived in Hawaii for two years, I'm cool and hip, I have an iPad....etc), my cheery/cheesy yet deep tag line, tons of pictures of me and the dogs doing our thing and I haven't had much more than a nibble in over 6 months now. You can send people "Winks" or emails but every time I send one off I can just hear the recipient saying "Who the fuck is this guy?" to themselves. My possibilities are so bleak that I've started wondering if life as a gay man would be more productive (kidding of course). I was conversing with a woman from Hamilton over the last 2 weeks and then all of a sudden I can't access her profile any longer, I guess I must either have leprosy or my profile screams Chester the molester. The other problem is that Missoula definitely has a very finite number of single women in their mid to late thirties. Couple that with my preference for one without children (something that I am currently reconsidering) and the odds of finding one without baggage (I certainly don't need that, especially after the last girlfriend) becomes very slim indeed.
Match.com? Whatever, more like Awkwardanddesperate.com. I think I'll cut my losses and try my luck (or lack thereof) out in the the real world. Hopefully my crazy woman magnet personality has toned itself down and my crazy woman detector is working better than it has in the past.
I'm going to be 40 in just over six months and as I'm sure is apparent, I'm in a bit of a panic. The older I get, the more bleak the sex life becomes and the more my midsection seems to expand. Oh well, I'm pretty sure that the dogs still love me, as long as their is food in their bowl and they get their daily puppy treats.
Wednesday, February 1, 2012
Since when are secularism and science considered un-American?
Just as a warning, if you are very socially conservative or deeply religious, this post is probably going to offend you.
As time goes on it continues to frighten me how certain elements of the United States populace insist that religion has to be part of our governing politics and how science is often treated with scorn. It should be noted that I am very much an agnostic/freethinking individual who highly values the choice to form my own opinions over having my morals dictated to me by a 2000 year old text conflicting idealism. I also have 2 degrees in science and believe very heavily in the scientific method. This attitude seems to be the antithesis of a great deal of the Republican party and Christian conservatives these days and a negative connotaion toward secularism appears to be gaining in strength. Since when does agnosticism and/or atheism mean the you are un-American and worthy of scorn? What kind of dogma is this and why are we allowing this sort of attitude into our government? This nation was originally was founded upon the ideal of a separation of Church and State but religious conservatives seem to completely ignore this fact. Religion has absolutely no place or business in American government and politics whatsoever. Making Christian dogma a part of our governing politics is a step toward a theocratic dictatorship similar to the likes found in the Taliban in Afghanistan I realize that the majority of the United States public consider themselves to be Christians but that does not mean that we should have prayer in schools, intelligent design should be taught as opposed to evoltion and other ludicrous proposals that the Christian Right is pushing these days.
Now I will admit that I have a general negative attitude towards any form of organized religion. I don't need religious scripture or teachings to tell me what is right or wrong. I am a scientist at heart and believe that decisions should be made upon facts that can be illuminated using the scientific method. I am a "Freethinker" who refuses to let societal pressures cause me to make decisions or form opinions based upon what other people feel or think. I know how to think for myself and that is something that I hold most sacred. I don't believe in a God but that does not mean that I don't think there is a higher power out there in the universe. I believe without a doubt that there are extraterrestrial intelligences out there in the vast, unfathomable, unknowable regions of space and that there most certainly are species that a far more advanced than we are. The ideas that we are created in God's own image, that the eart and it's flora and fauna are our's to do as we see fit, and those who do not believe in the Christian God and accept Jesus as their savior are going to Hell frankly offend me and make me sad to think that people can be so narrowminded.
That's me though, these ideals aren't something that I arrived at overnight, the important thing is that I don't push my ideals on other people like certain individuals do. I've been told point blank that I have no soul, will never know peace and that I'm going to hell because I haven't accepted Jesus Christ as my savior. I had a wife who thought she could "fix" me just like some Christian institutions believe that they can "cure" people who are gay. I'm not saying that all people who subscribe to Christianity or other religions are like this but I am saying there are far too many that are and they are the people who are pushing for more religion in government. Fox News pundits cater to this crowd and are often quick to discount scientific fact and imply that "Godless Heathens" are un-American and are trying to undermine everything this nation stands for. Who listens to this drivel anyway? There are too many people do, they have a political agenda and the Republican party is in bed with them. These are the kinds of people who I see standing on the corner in front of our local clinic that performs abortions with signs that say "Abortion causes breast cancer" (I am not making this up, I've seen it with my own eyes and could barely contain the outcry this created within me). There is no arguing or reasoning with this type of person since they are clearly capable or distorint any fact to further agenda. These people are those who would have us adhere to a Puritanical code of idealism and want nothing more to stamp out free thought across the nation.
I'm willing to admit that I don't have the answers to life's mysteries and am perfectly fine with that. I will never push my beliefs on another human being because everyone deserves to make up their own mind about things. I realize that not all Christians are like the extreme examples I listed above. There is a growing philosophy that spiritualism and being religious are two different things entirely. I openly welcome this attitude and hope that it continues to gain momentum in the American public. I'm not asking people to abandon their faith or discount the many positive things the Christain faith teaches. What I am asking for is secularism, keep religion and government seperate. Don't curse secularists as un-American when in truth, secularists are defending one of the key principles this nation was founded upon. You are entitled to your beliefs and I am entitled to mine, just keep religion out of our government.
As time goes on it continues to frighten me how certain elements of the United States populace insist that religion has to be part of our governing politics and how science is often treated with scorn. It should be noted that I am very much an agnostic/freethinking individual who highly values the choice to form my own opinions over having my morals dictated to me by a 2000 year old text conflicting idealism. I also have 2 degrees in science and believe very heavily in the scientific method. This attitude seems to be the antithesis of a great deal of the Republican party and Christian conservatives these days and a negative connotaion toward secularism appears to be gaining in strength. Since when does agnosticism and/or atheism mean the you are un-American and worthy of scorn? What kind of dogma is this and why are we allowing this sort of attitude into our government? This nation was originally was founded upon the ideal of a separation of Church and State but religious conservatives seem to completely ignore this fact. Religion has absolutely no place or business in American government and politics whatsoever. Making Christian dogma a part of our governing politics is a step toward a theocratic dictatorship similar to the likes found in the Taliban in Afghanistan I realize that the majority of the United States public consider themselves to be Christians but that does not mean that we should have prayer in schools, intelligent design should be taught as opposed to evoltion and other ludicrous proposals that the Christian Right is pushing these days.
Now I will admit that I have a general negative attitude towards any form of organized religion. I don't need religious scripture or teachings to tell me what is right or wrong. I am a scientist at heart and believe that decisions should be made upon facts that can be illuminated using the scientific method. I am a "Freethinker" who refuses to let societal pressures cause me to make decisions or form opinions based upon what other people feel or think. I know how to think for myself and that is something that I hold most sacred. I don't believe in a God but that does not mean that I don't think there is a higher power out there in the universe. I believe without a doubt that there are extraterrestrial intelligences out there in the vast, unfathomable, unknowable regions of space and that there most certainly are species that a far more advanced than we are. The ideas that we are created in God's own image, that the eart and it's flora and fauna are our's to do as we see fit, and those who do not believe in the Christian God and accept Jesus as their savior are going to Hell frankly offend me and make me sad to think that people can be so narrowminded.
That's me though, these ideals aren't something that I arrived at overnight, the important thing is that I don't push my ideals on other people like certain individuals do. I've been told point blank that I have no soul, will never know peace and that I'm going to hell because I haven't accepted Jesus Christ as my savior. I had a wife who thought she could "fix" me just like some Christian institutions believe that they can "cure" people who are gay. I'm not saying that all people who subscribe to Christianity or other religions are like this but I am saying there are far too many that are and they are the people who are pushing for more religion in government. Fox News pundits cater to this crowd and are often quick to discount scientific fact and imply that "Godless Heathens" are un-American and are trying to undermine everything this nation stands for. Who listens to this drivel anyway? There are too many people do, they have a political agenda and the Republican party is in bed with them. These are the kinds of people who I see standing on the corner in front of our local clinic that performs abortions with signs that say "Abortion causes breast cancer" (I am not making this up, I've seen it with my own eyes and could barely contain the outcry this created within me). There is no arguing or reasoning with this type of person since they are clearly capable or distorint any fact to further agenda. These people are those who would have us adhere to a Puritanical code of idealism and want nothing more to stamp out free thought across the nation.
I'm willing to admit that I don't have the answers to life's mysteries and am perfectly fine with that. I will never push my beliefs on another human being because everyone deserves to make up their own mind about things. I realize that not all Christians are like the extreme examples I listed above. There is a growing philosophy that spiritualism and being religious are two different things entirely. I openly welcome this attitude and hope that it continues to gain momentum in the American public. I'm not asking people to abandon their faith or discount the many positive things the Christain faith teaches. What I am asking for is secularism, keep religion and government seperate. Don't curse secularists as un-American when in truth, secularists are defending one of the key principles this nation was founded upon. You are entitled to your beliefs and I am entitled to mine, just keep religion out of our government.
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