A sad realization, but one that ultimately proves to be a healthy one.

I love what I do for a living, I really do. Working in a hospital lab every day never gets boring to me and I never tire of helping sick people. That being said, I work in a very toxic hospital lab setting, one that is less than conducive to my overall mental health. In fact, I work in conditions where excellence, character, and effort are always ignored or worse; exploited. I work in the basement of hospital in a room with no windows, where the phone rings constantly and eternally with complaining and belligerent callers. I don't work in a happy environment. Why not leave then? Why not indeed. I can give three very good reasons, the first being that I believe in the lab's medical director (she's the doctor that oversees all of the medical and technical aspects of the lab), the second is that I love living in Missoula, the third is that I'm sick and tired of running.

It has been nearly four months since the night I had to make a controversial judgment call on a trauma situation, followed by my subsequent vilification and offering up as a sacrificial lamb by the laboratory director. As I have stated previously on this blog, she committed no less than character assassination on me, dragging up every undocumented rumor or breath of dissent about me over the last five and half years. Sources that are loyal to me speak of how individuals were encouraged to air any and all dirty laundry about me within the privacy of the lab director's office. I no longer think everyone took a shot at me, but I do know just who the biggest culprits are. I can say that I'm nowhere near as bitter about it now as I was three months ago, but wounds take much longer to heel with me and the wounds I suffered this last time were especially deep.

My latest realization stems from the fact that the lab director (NOT the medical director, they are two different people) threw the book at me so hard that I have a blunt force induced concussion from its impact with my head. She pulled no punches and I consider myself lucky to still have my job. Worse yet, I see the practical reason for taking such a hard shot at me, she's laying the groundwork to dismiss an employee who suffers from an illness that flares up without warning and often results in a extended periods of leave. My leave is always protected by the Family and Medical Leave Act and my physician is ALWAYS very supportive, proactive, compassionate, and conscientious about my condition. Though each and every period of leave has been medically necessary and physician mandated, that doesn't mean it's not a huge pain in the ass for the lab director to try make arrangements for my leave. So the best thing would be to dismiss and replace me with a far less maintenance heavy employee. It's far from the compassionate thing to do, but the lab director has demonstrated time and time again that she is has little to no compassion for anyone other than herself.  The benefits coordinator in human resources assures me this isn't the case, but she doesn't know that laboratory director very well, nor does she work with the people I do. They are human beings, which means they can be shallow, petty, less than sympathetic, cruel, and spiteful.

I've been doing my absolute best to stay as far below the lab director's radar as possible, but the lab has been in a serious staffing crisis for the last two months and things aren't going to get any better until near September. When I become stressed, exhausted, and burned out, it becomes far more difficult to control my personality and I'm far more prone to getting in trouble and can easily fall into suicidal episodes. Working short in the lab is extremely difficult and requires an amount of energy and mental acuity  that is extremely difficult for me to maintain every week. To be brief, at this rate it's only a matter of time before I crash and burn again. In an attempt to avoid this outcome, my physician has placed me on a four day a week restriction until working conditions in the lab improve enough for me to return to full time status. It should be noted that the staffing crisis is without question the lab director's fault, her fast and reckless approach to management always creates these situations and it's the lab staff that suffers every time. I hate being the canary in the cage for the lab, but I can't escape the fact that I'm far more sensitive to stressful periods than pretty much anyone else in the lab. Coupled with the fact that I'm still recovering from a very traumatic and vulnerable period, not being proactive at this point could be disastrous, could cost me my job or something far worse. The lab director was much less than happy when I broke the news to her, even when I explained the reasoning behind the move.....actually that probably made matter her attitude worse since it highlights her poor leadership abilities. That being said, it is far easier to fill one shift a week than to have me take another six week leave of absence, which I did point out to her. She did make a few passive aggressive comments when I tried to help her come up with solutions to this week's schedule.....which once again demonstrate the nature of her character. I get three days a week off for the near term, but I'm back on her radar again and that is not a good thing.

One thing that I've learned over the last seven years is that unless someone has experienced trauma, loss, hardship, serious illness, and/or mental illness they are not likely of being able to feel much compassion for people who are suffering from the things I just listed. I'm not saying that everyone is this way, there are individuals who are genuinely compassionate without those kinds of experiences because they can look beyond the bounds of their own lives. That being said, there are also people who go through awful circumstances and learn nothing from them, I learned that just this last year. The majority of the people I work with aren't what I would call understanding or compassionate. Though I do my best to hide it, I'm probably one of the most compassionate individuals you will find in the lab because I've seen some pretty awful things in my lifetime and am very sensitive to the suffering of others. The majority of the individuals I work with are only appear superficially compassionate and only really care about their own problems and don't seem to be able to see outside their own (often limited). Some individuals are downright cold, selfish, and only concerned with how things affect themselves. I am always acutely aware of what consequences my actions and absences have on the staff of the lab and it has been a constant source of anxiety for me. That being said, no in the lab has had even close to the kind of obstacles, hardship, loss, and trauma that I've had over the last six years. Since I started at the lab I lost my only sibling to suicide, both of my remaining grandparents, my mother, a horrific mountain biking accident and had to endure an unbelievably bizarre set of circumstances involving a long distance relationship with a probable sociopath. I've nearly taken my own life numerous times during the last six years and I've had no less than four different stints at mental hospitals. I've been through all of this and only a few individuals from the lab have extended a hand to me in support. These people know who they are and they are they only people from work (save two) who have access to this blog. I am eternally grateful to these individuals and hope that I can repay them in kind at some time. However, there has been a core group of individuals who have been far less than compassionate toward me and it was this group who took their shot at me during my last episode. What's sad about this is that I had offered my (genuine) support to one of these individuals during a very difficult circumstance during an adoption proceeding that went wrong. If anyone in the lab suffers and sort of serious setback, I will always be among the first to offer my hand to help, though I know the same courtesy won't be given to me in most cases if the circumstances were reversed. That's me though, I can't standby and watch someone go down in flames without offering help.

All that being said, I've changed quite a bit as to how I behave at work after having been thrown to the wolves and then set upon by vultures. (too much?) I am a problem solver and am always happy to lend a hand to any sort of problem, dilemma, conflagration, or conflict that may arise in the lab. That isn't the case anymore. I used to get involved in all of the problem circumstances that would arise when I was on shift and do my best to resolve them (sometimes in a less than diplomatic fashion). I would go to bat for any of my coworkers and do my best to help anyone who was having a hard evening or night. I would always go the extra mile and would often go above the call of my station. Not so anymore. I go to work, go to the department I'm going to work in, and stick to the duties within that department. I do my best to not answer the phone unless it's absolutely necessary (a subject for another time), I don't get involved in any problem or conflict situations unless it directly involves me, and I never take charge or responsibility of anything that falls outside of my station. I still do the very best job that I possibly can with efficiency, precision, and expediency.....I just don't go the extra mile anymore. It's sad because the lab director killed what made me an excellent and conscientious contribution to the hospital. What's worse is that I don't care that she killed that part of me.........and I'm actually happier because of it. I'm nowhere near as stressed out at work as I used to be. I don't get worked up about things that I have no power to change or aren't responsible for. I'm still one of the best techs in the lab and I assure you, my house is ALWAYS in order when I leave for the night. I still care very much for our patients, but I have to stay off the lab director's radar. Most importantly, my primary responsibility is to take care of myself first and foremost. I have a chronic condition and I must do what I can to stay as healthy as I can in every way possible. Putting the weight of the lab's problems on my shoulders does NOT help with this endeavor. While I don't get riled up over things or sacrifice myself for the good of the lab anymore, many of my coworkers are still caught in that cycle. If only they could understand that it only enables our lab director's poor management and actually perpetuates the problem. She never acknowledges anyone's extra effort or sacrifices, she exploits them. Because I've stepped outside of all of this, some elements (those who were quickest stab me in the back) are angry because they see me as being selfish because I'm not willing to sacrifice myself and free time for a lost cause. Guess what, people? Me doing just that has played an important role in just about each of my leave of absences over the last three years. So, why would I continue doing any of it? Let's face it, one of these times I may just quit screwing around and overdose on something because I fucked the pooch at work and got into a heap of trouble again. It just isn't worth it, the lab's not worth it, the lab director is not worth it. I'm sorry those who are offended by this can't see the sense in it.

After all of that I am sure anyone who is reading this is wondering why I stay at the hospital. That is an easy answer, I believe in the lab's medical director (NOT the laboratory director). Our lab's medical director is a pathologist of the highest caliber (at least in my opinion) and she happens to be one of best human beings I have ever met. I don't give unquestioning loyalty to just anyone and I would follow that woman through the gates of hell and beyond. She is quite possibly the most intelligent person I have ever met (that's no small compliment coming from me) and she is one of the most compassionate people I have ever met. I doubt I could ever put into words just how much she has helped grow as a laboratorian and how much she has supported me with my struggles since I came to know her five years ago. I'm in her office talking to her just about every day and almost every day she inspires me to be the absolute best and compassionate medical professional that I can be. She's brutally honest and shoots straight from the hip. She tells me when I'm full of shit and questions me when she thinks I'm dodging something or not being completely honest. Not many people on this earth are capable of doing that. She is an inspiration to me and she is one of the best friends that I have ever had. She knows my darkest secrets and fears, but never blinks, never waivers, and never stops encouraging me. She is only six months older than I am, but I always feel so immature when compared to her (not in a bad way). She reminds me every day why I do what I do for a living, she is extremely passionate about laboratory medicine, and she has helped me keep my cool through more than one serious blood bank bleeding emergency. As long as she is medical director of the lab I doubt I will ever seriously think about leaving. I'm not the only person who feels that way about her. She is the very antithesis of what the laboratory director is. She hates bullshit, she hates politics, and she isn't afraid to speak her mind. She will go to the mat for anyone who works in her lab and has done so for me on numerous occasions. Having that kind of influence in my life is immeasurable and invaluable.

Though the atmosphere in the lab is frequently toxic to my mental health, keeping my thoughts and attitudes in the proper frame can help lessen the effects the working conditions have on me. I used to think that my coworkers were my friends, but now I know (with a few exceptions) that they are just coworkers. Nothing more, nothing less. I now know to expect no loyalty from them and that I shouldn't waste any trying to gain loyalty from them. I am dedicated to my job, but I am not going to sacrifice my mental health for the lab or hospital because history has shown that I end up with nothing to show for it. I go to work, only get involved in problems that directly relate to me, and I go home. No more, no less. I will do my absolute best to stay as far off of the lab director's radar as possible. I will also do my absolute best to make sure that I'm taking care of myself and my wellbeing first and foremost.....which I am doing now. I'm not at work to make friends, I'm there to do my job, help sick people, and earn a living. I can't fix the problems of the lab, nor will I waste my energy trying. I will continue to be absolutely loyal to the lab's medical director and will always strive to live up to the faith she places in me. I will never stop trying to be the best laboratorian I can be, I just won't sacrifice my wellbeing for causes that aren't worth the effort. The hospital just sold to a larger conglomerate and we are waiting for the ink to dry on the agreement. Once that is done, we will be a for profit hospital and means that there will be changes. There will be an inevitable administrative purge, in which I hope the lab director is "forcibly retired". The new organization is said to work under the Mayo model of administration which is different from how things are currently done at the hospital. I have hopes that things will get better once our new overlords begin to assert control over the various aspects of the operations of the hospital. I expect that most of administration is going to be climbing all over each other to save their jobs and it will be very entertaining to watch the lab director try to secure her position, especially in light of the fact that she has at least six years of extremely poor employee engagement survey scores hanging over her head. My guess is that she will go down in flames, but she will probably try to take as many people down with her as possible in the process, so I must be careful during this period. I plan on evaluating things in six months to see which way the wind is blowing, if it isn't blowing in a favorable direction I may just move on to a different pasture. In the meantime, I must do my best to stay on top of my mental health while doing the best job I can. At this point I'm pretty confident I can manage things if I stick to my new attitude.

A change of attitude?

A couple of days ago I wrote about the sad state that my attitude has been over the last few months and how I had little inclination to change my outlook on things. That may have changed over the course of the last 48 hours. I'm not sure what transpired, but yesterday I started to come around to the idea of getting back on track with things. I suddenly want to get out to walk the dogs again, I want to try to start mountain biking three days a week, and I suddenly want to try to go to the gym more frequently than the personal training appointments that I have twice a week. This is a pretty big paradigm shift when compared to my previous state of mind. I no longer feel that it's all pointless or a huge waste of energy.

I should point out that I still feel very defiant, bitter, and not likely to undertake the task of finding a new therapist/counselor at this point, but I'm at least taking an interest in activities that help to keep my spirits up. I'm also still VERY wary of people in general and am not interested in opening up or forming new connections with them. That's going to take a considerable amount of time to heal, if it heals at all. Still, my attitude as of this morning if far better than it was even 48 hours ago. I suspect my previous post may have helped some by laying the bare truth of how I felt out on the table for the world to see. My attitude still needs a LOT of work and there isn't going to be any massive course reversal overnight, it's going to take time. Getting out and doing some things that I enjoy will certainly lay the foundation for a better overall outlook on things.

My problem over the last year has been an overwhelming amount of negative and traumatic events in my life. Sometimes when things get as bad as they have been as of late, I give up all hope and embrace the darkness instead of resisting it. Even as I write this I feel the urge to just reverse course and fall back into the waiting arms of the darkness that continually threatens my mental wellbeing. Why fight the emptiness that never seems to be more than a step or two behind me? It's so hard to resist and try to make a difference in my life, but it's oh so easy to stumble and fall back into the waiting embrace of the darkness and stay there permanently. Why fight a war you can never truly win? Well, as most people who are even casually familiar with my personality can tell you, I'm very defiant by nature. I survived the abuse I suffered as a child because of my naturally defiant nature and desire to stand against what I perceive to be injustice. In many ways, my entire life is a study in defiance and a refusal to give in to forces that I have no possible chance of defeating. In the battle against my illness and my past, I have to be defiant just for the sake of being defiant. Any measure of resistance against the darkness that hunts me is a small measure of victory. It takes SO MUCH energy to be defiant day in and day out. Complicating things further is the fact that I have to be aware of my natural tendency to want to embrace the darkness and be able to recognize when it is trying to influence my thinking and behaviors. It's not easy, not by any stretch of the imagination. I can never rest on my laurels for one day because the darkness will be clawing at my heels in no time. I hate it, but it's the way things are for me. So I have to be defiant every minute of every day, it's a good thing that having a defiant nature is natural to me because it and my intelligence are the only real weapons I have against the hunter that never ceases to stalk me. Here's to defiance, may I never cease to be defiant by nature.

I tried optimism once, I was too cynical for it.

Lately I've been taken aback by the level of constant cynicism that emanates from my person. I've always been a very cynical person, but as of late I've taken things to an entirely new level altogether.  In fact, I would have to say it has evolved into a fatalistic acceptance that I cannot change things in my life. It's hard to pinpoint just one event that would be the cause of my increased cynicism, but there have been many events that have occurred that probably have combined to produce a much less than positive demeanor.

Having my best friend walk out on me during one of the most difficult experiences in my life definitely has soured my overall view of people in general. Further complicating things would be getting clothes lined at work over a situation that we had no protocol for,  being strung up for making a judgement call, and then having my character completely assassinated, by people I had called friends at the time, really poured gasoline on the fire. To say I'm pretty much over having any people in my life right now would be a gross understatement. My attitude is that people just don't understand me, I'm too complex, and that they only end up hurting me, so it's best to keep them at arm's length, form no connections with them, and expect nothing from them.

For the last seven years it has seemed like it has just been one significant trauma after another and the effects have really started to wear on me. I tried a different approach back in 2011 after a positive experience at an intensive residential mental health facility, but I seem to have fallen even farther down into my hole than I was before I landed at that program. I seem to have wholeheartedly embraced the idea that my complex PTSD, probable personality disorder, and severe depression are pretty much insurmountable and that I should just accept the idea that I'm permanently broken and incapable of any long term happiness. Though I am not suicidal at this time, I am almost certain that I will take my life some time in the future, probably soon after Jack and Carter pass away. I'm far more isolated from any safe, meaningful, real world social interaction than I ever have been in the past. Worse yet, I trust absolutely no one and have come to the conclusion that the world I live in so bleak that any time I let anyone near the truth, I'm only going to cause them pain and will be subsequently abandoned. Thus, I'm not opening up to anyone or seeking any professional help at this time......because I've found that I'm too complicated for pretty much any mental health professional because of my background, programming, and very high intelligence. In short, I'm too much to handle save for the very best professionals and those that live here in Missoula are in such high demand that it's nearly impossible to get in to see one. I am seeing a psychiatrist for my medications, but being a medical professional myself, I have only met one psychiatrist I have ever really liked. I'm very cynical when it comes to psychiatrists because of my medical background and understanding of mental illness in general. I think psychiatrists over simplify and trivialize people's suffering and do no more than push pills on people in the vain hopes that they might provide some measure of relief. I saw my psychiatrist last week for the second time and she already has taken on the attitude of "I know what's best for you because I'm a doctor."......who does not know me at all, who knows little of my history, doesn't understand the depth of my trust issues, and is making the huge mistake of underestimating my intelligence. She was clearly irritated with my poor attitude and lack of willingness to try to find a new counselor/therapist. How is she supposed to get any measure of my condition when I only see her for 30 minutes once every 6 weeks or so? What a complete waste of my time, the least she could do is recognize that because I happen to be a smarter than average diagnostic medicine professional, I probably have a better understanding of mental illness than she does because I happen to be mentally ill AND am a medical professional at the same time. So your one and only claim is that you know about drugs, but you have no idea how they work or if they have any chance for helping my condition. Well, that's really neat (which means go fuck yourself). So, how does anyone actually help me?  My last therapist realized that I was way out of her depth and cut me loose at the worst moment possible, so naturally I'm more than a little bitter, hesitant, and cynical about establishing with a new therapist and undertaking the huge task of tell my life story again. The gist of this is that I'm so cynical and apathetic toward the state of mental health care at this point that I find it to be a huge waste of my time to even try.

Work has been a real exercise in misery as of late too. The lab is criminally short staffed and the term "theater of the absurd" applies itself with gusto on a daily basis. Having to work with people you know stabbed you in the back at moment when you were your weakest is not an easy thing to live with. In truth, I'm nowhere near as bitter about it now as I was three months ago, but the bitterness has been replaced with apathy and ambivalence to almost everyone in the lab, save a few people who I genuinely care about. I keep asking myself just how much worse things can get before something truly disastrous happens and positive change can result from it. The hospital just sold to a larger conglomerate and I guess I hold out at least some hope that things will change once they come in to inevitably purge and restructure administration. If things don't change enough for my taste, I will finally give up and run......something I've done far too much of in the last seven years and loathe to continue to do. Missoula feels like home and I don't want to leave, but the environment at work as it exists now is very detrimental to my mental health and may necessitate a move to a different clinical setting, probably in the Seattle area. I would be very, very sad to leave Zoo town though. I hate running away, I really do. I want to make things work somewhere and would prefer that place be here.


As I'm sure you can tell, my attitude is very poor right now and the worst part is that I just don't care at this point. I barely have enough energy to get out of bed and go to work, let alone fight a battle that seems impossible to win and requires a level of energy I haven't had for over a year now. I live for the dogs, they remind me of how important unconditional love is and I love them back with all of my heart. I keep getting more tattoos with the money I save from not going to a therapist, though I'm not sure if getting them is an act of self expression or one of outright defiance. I take far too much pride in standing as far as I can outside of mainstream culture, to the point of offending some of my online friends with my attitude to mainstream media consumption. I must admit that I find a lot of it stupid and openly demonstrate my contempt for all of it. I really get tired of listening to my coworkers talk nonstop about Game Of Thrones, I read the first book and found it to be awful. It's just another example of how I just don't get our society. It doesn't help that part of me doesn't really want to be associated with humanity and would love to find a way to transcend our society. Every public shooting that occurs now makes me cringe visibly because most of them are perpetrated by people who are mentally ill, like myself. Though I hate our society, I have zero ambition or inclination to take it out on other people in some enactment of revenge on innocent individuals. I just don't want to be part of a society that is increasingly destructive, materialistic, and lacking any compassion for others. In many ways, the decision to move to Kauai was an attempt to escape all of what I just listed. We all know how that turned out for me though. I used to think the answer was out there somewhere, no I think there are no answers and that we need to enjoy the measure of comfort we have now before we outright destroy ourselves and the planet. People only seem to exist to consume in this country. I refuse to have anyone tell me what is a must have commodity or what is cool. I refuse to accept that capitalism is the answer too. What does money really bring? It brings comfort, not happiness. I would prefer to be happy. Most people aren't even capable of comprehending the idea that humanity could achieve so much more if gave up on making materialistic gains the focus of our lives. So I'm basically judging our society as an utter failure and disappointment, can I possibly get any more cynical than that?

Though I genuinely believe that I am a permanently broken individual and that fighting for myself is a waste of time, I do find comfort in helping people who are going to through difficult times similar to my experiences. Despite my cynicism, I genuinely feel for other people's pain and want to help them as best as I can. It's very important to me for some odd reason. I guess I'm not cynical enough to give up trying to at least leaving a small measure of positivity before leaving this mortal coil behind some day. If my experiences can help people in life, I guess I could call that a small measure of victory.

Finally,  I recently told one of my last remaining friends that fatalism is neither sad or cynical if it is the genuine truth. At this point I would like to believe that I'm at least not deluding myself about my future and have truly embraced my fate. Some people just aren't well suited to living in this world, my sister was one of those people and she struggled to very end before she could bear it no longer. I think I am very similar to her in that respect, I just happen to lack her courage and am too attached to a pair of Dingoes to completely accept my fate just yet. Life goes on and I continue to endure......for now. Who knows, maybe my attitude will improve in the future, maybe it won't. I could choose to give a crap about my attitude, but I am too apathetic, cynical, and fatalistic to do so at this point.......and I'm just fine with that.