Lately I've been taken aback by the level of constant cynicism that emanates from my person. I've always been a very cynical person, but as of late I've taken things to an entirely new level altogether. In fact, I would have to say it has evolved into a fatalistic acceptance that I cannot change things in my life. It's hard to pinpoint just one event that would be the cause of my increased cynicism, but there have been many events that have occurred that probably have combined to produce a much less than positive demeanor.
Having my best friend walk out on me during one of the most difficult experiences in my life definitely has soured my overall view of people in general. Further complicating things would be getting clothes lined at work over a situation that we had no protocol for, being strung up for making a judgement call, and then having my character completely assassinated, by people I had called friends at the time, really poured gasoline on the fire. To say I'm pretty much over having any people in my life right now would be a gross understatement. My attitude is that people just don't understand me, I'm too complex, and that they only end up hurting me, so it's best to keep them at arm's length, form no connections with them, and expect nothing from them.
For the last seven years it has seemed like it has just been one significant trauma after another and the effects have really started to wear on me. I tried a different approach back in 2011 after a positive experience at an intensive residential mental health facility, but I seem to have fallen even farther down into my hole than I was before I landed at that program. I seem to have wholeheartedly embraced the idea that my complex PTSD, probable personality disorder, and severe depression are pretty much insurmountable and that I should just accept the idea that I'm permanently broken and incapable of any long term happiness. Though I am not suicidal at this time, I am almost certain that I will take my life some time in the future, probably soon after Jack and Carter pass away. I'm far more isolated from any safe, meaningful, real world social interaction than I ever have been in the past. Worse yet, I trust absolutely no one and have come to the conclusion that the world I live in so bleak that any time I let anyone near the truth, I'm only going to cause them pain and will be subsequently abandoned. Thus, I'm not opening up to anyone or seeking any professional help at this time......because I've found that I'm too complicated for pretty much any mental health professional because of my background, programming, and very high intelligence. In short, I'm too much to handle save for the very best professionals and those that live here in Missoula are in such high demand that it's nearly impossible to get in to see one. I am seeing a psychiatrist for my medications, but being a medical professional myself, I have only met one psychiatrist I have ever really liked. I'm very cynical when it comes to psychiatrists because of my medical background and understanding of mental illness in general. I think psychiatrists over simplify and trivialize people's suffering and do no more than push pills on people in the vain hopes that they might provide some measure of relief. I saw my psychiatrist last week for the second time and she already has taken on the attitude of "I know what's best for you because I'm a doctor."......who does not know me at all, who knows little of my history, doesn't understand the depth of my trust issues, and is making the huge mistake of underestimating my intelligence. She was clearly irritated with my poor attitude and lack of willingness to try to find a new counselor/therapist. How is she supposed to get any measure of my condition when I only see her for 30 minutes once every 6 weeks or so? What a complete waste of my time, the least she could do is recognize that because I happen to be a smarter than average diagnostic medicine professional, I probably have a better understanding of mental illness than she does because I happen to be mentally ill AND am a medical professional at the same time. So your one and only claim is that you know about drugs, but you have no idea how they work or if they have any chance for helping my condition. Well, that's really neat (which means go fuck yourself). So, how does anyone actually help me? My last therapist realized that I was way out of her depth and cut me loose at the worst moment possible, so naturally I'm more than a little bitter, hesitant, and cynical about establishing with a new therapist and undertaking the huge task of tell my life story again. The gist of this is that I'm so cynical and apathetic toward the state of mental health care at this point that I find it to be a huge waste of my time to even try.
Work has been a real exercise in misery as of late too. The lab is criminally short staffed and the term "theater of the absurd" applies itself with gusto on a daily basis. Having to work with people you know stabbed you in the back at moment when you were your weakest is not an easy thing to live with. In truth, I'm nowhere near as bitter about it now as I was three months ago, but the bitterness has been replaced with apathy and ambivalence to almost everyone in the lab, save a few people who I genuinely care about. I keep asking myself just how much worse things can get before something truly disastrous happens and positive change can result from it. The hospital just sold to a larger conglomerate and I guess I hold out at least some hope that things will change once they come in to inevitably purge and restructure administration. If things don't change enough for my taste, I will finally give up and run......something I've done far too much of in the last seven years and loathe to continue to do. Missoula feels like home and I don't want to leave, but the environment at work as it exists now is very detrimental to my mental health and may necessitate a move to a different clinical setting, probably in the Seattle area. I would be very, very sad to leave Zoo town though. I hate running away, I really do. I want to make things work somewhere and would prefer that place be here.
As I'm sure you can tell, my attitude is very poor right now and the worst part is that I just don't care at this point. I barely have enough energy to get out of bed and go to work, let alone fight a battle that seems impossible to win and requires a level of energy I haven't had for over a year now. I live for the dogs, they remind me of how important unconditional love is and I love them back with all of my heart. I keep getting more tattoos with the money I save from not going to a therapist, though I'm not sure if getting them is an act of self expression or one of outright defiance. I take far too much pride in standing as far as I can outside of mainstream culture, to the point of offending some of my online friends with my attitude to mainstream media consumption. I must admit that I find a lot of it stupid and openly demonstrate my contempt for all of it. I really get tired of listening to my coworkers talk nonstop about Game Of Thrones, I read the first book and found it to be awful. It's just another example of how I just don't get our society. It doesn't help that part of me doesn't really want to be associated with humanity and would love to find a way to transcend our society. Every public shooting that occurs now makes me cringe visibly because most of them are perpetrated by people who are mentally ill, like myself. Though I hate our society, I have zero ambition or inclination to take it out on other people in some enactment of revenge on innocent individuals. I just don't want to be part of a society that is increasingly destructive, materialistic, and lacking any compassion for others. In many ways, the decision to move to Kauai was an attempt to escape all of what I just listed. We all know how that turned out for me though. I used to think the answer was out there somewhere, no I think there are no answers and that we need to enjoy the measure of comfort we have now before we outright destroy ourselves and the planet. People only seem to exist to consume in this country. I refuse to have anyone tell me what is a must have commodity or what is cool. I refuse to accept that capitalism is the answer too. What does money really bring? It brings comfort, not happiness. I would prefer to be happy. Most people aren't even capable of comprehending the idea that humanity could achieve so much more if gave up on making materialistic gains the focus of our lives. So I'm basically judging our society as an utter failure and disappointment, can I possibly get any more cynical than that?
Though I genuinely believe that I am a permanently broken individual and that fighting for myself is a waste of time, I do find comfort in helping people who are going to through difficult times similar to my experiences. Despite my cynicism, I genuinely feel for other people's pain and want to help them as best as I can. It's very important to me for some odd reason. I guess I'm not cynical enough to give up trying to at least leaving a small measure of positivity before leaving this mortal coil behind some day. If my experiences can help people in life, I guess I could call that a small measure of victory.
Finally, I recently told one of my last remaining friends that fatalism is neither sad or cynical if it is the genuine truth. At this point I would like to believe that I'm at least not deluding myself about my future and have truly embraced my fate. Some people just aren't well suited to living in this world, my sister was one of those people and she struggled to very end before she could bear it no longer. I think I am very similar to her in that respect, I just happen to lack her courage and am too attached to a pair of Dingoes to completely accept my fate just yet. Life goes on and I continue to endure......for now. Who knows, maybe my attitude will improve in the future, maybe it won't. I could choose to give a crap about my attitude, but I am too apathetic, cynical, and fatalistic to do so at this point.......and I'm just fine with that.
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