A change of attitude?

A couple of days ago I wrote about the sad state that my attitude has been over the last few months and how I had little inclination to change my outlook on things. That may have changed over the course of the last 48 hours. I'm not sure what transpired, but yesterday I started to come around to the idea of getting back on track with things. I suddenly want to get out to walk the dogs again, I want to try to start mountain biking three days a week, and I suddenly want to try to go to the gym more frequently than the personal training appointments that I have twice a week. This is a pretty big paradigm shift when compared to my previous state of mind. I no longer feel that it's all pointless or a huge waste of energy.

I should point out that I still feel very defiant, bitter, and not likely to undertake the task of finding a new therapist/counselor at this point, but I'm at least taking an interest in activities that help to keep my spirits up. I'm also still VERY wary of people in general and am not interested in opening up or forming new connections with them. That's going to take a considerable amount of time to heal, if it heals at all. Still, my attitude as of this morning if far better than it was even 48 hours ago. I suspect my previous post may have helped some by laying the bare truth of how I felt out on the table for the world to see. My attitude still needs a LOT of work and there isn't going to be any massive course reversal overnight, it's going to take time. Getting out and doing some things that I enjoy will certainly lay the foundation for a better overall outlook on things.

My problem over the last year has been an overwhelming amount of negative and traumatic events in my life. Sometimes when things get as bad as they have been as of late, I give up all hope and embrace the darkness instead of resisting it. Even as I write this I feel the urge to just reverse course and fall back into the waiting arms of the darkness that continually threatens my mental wellbeing. Why fight the emptiness that never seems to be more than a step or two behind me? It's so hard to resist and try to make a difference in my life, but it's oh so easy to stumble and fall back into the waiting embrace of the darkness and stay there permanently. Why fight a war you can never truly win? Well, as most people who are even casually familiar with my personality can tell you, I'm very defiant by nature. I survived the abuse I suffered as a child because of my naturally defiant nature and desire to stand against what I perceive to be injustice. In many ways, my entire life is a study in defiance and a refusal to give in to forces that I have no possible chance of defeating. In the battle against my illness and my past, I have to be defiant just for the sake of being defiant. Any measure of resistance against the darkness that hunts me is a small measure of victory. It takes SO MUCH energy to be defiant day in and day out. Complicating things further is the fact that I have to be aware of my natural tendency to want to embrace the darkness and be able to recognize when it is trying to influence my thinking and behaviors. It's not easy, not by any stretch of the imagination. I can never rest on my laurels for one day because the darkness will be clawing at my heels in no time. I hate it, but it's the way things are for me. So I have to be defiant every minute of every day, it's a good thing that having a defiant nature is natural to me because it and my intelligence are the only real weapons I have against the hunter that never ceases to stalk me. Here's to defiance, may I never cease to be defiant by nature.