As more details emerge from the Sandy Hook tragedy, and Aurora, Colorado shootings, I find myself in bit of an uncomfortable position. Being someone who suffers from a significant mental illness, when the mainstream media talks about "deranged crazies" or just using the term "mentally ill", I can't help but feel a little discriminated against, somewhat (a subject for another day). Yes, I am mentally ill. No, I am not dangerous to anyone, except maybe myself at times. And yes, I play violent video games.
I am not a violent person, in fact I abhor violence. I have absolutely no desire to hurt the people who have hurt me in the past. That is not the path to freedom and enlightenment. If I were to do to those who had wronged me what they did to me in vengeance, I would become no better of a person than they are. Violence, other than in self defense, is never the answer. To commit random acts of violence against the defenseless and innocent is perhaps the greatest travesty that any human being could commit.
It's been over three months now since the Sandy Hook tragedy, and over eight since the Aurora, Colorado shootings took place. The blame game continues to rage, and the NRA continues to demonstrate just how infantile and primitive its doctrines are. Gun violence is a HUGE problem in the United States. This is not going to change unless drastic measures are going to be undertaken by the nation as a whole. I'm not going to suggest any possible solutions or actions to curtail the problems here, just know that I am a very large supporter of bans on any and all guns, with the exception of sporting rifles and shotguns.
Back in December, I had a conversation with my father and stepmother on the issue of what drives people to commit mass murder. One of the first things that my father brought up was violent video games. I grew up in the 80's and was among the vanguard of the video game generation. Video games have been a big part of my life since about 1982. Back in the early days of gaming, the games were pretty innocuous in nature. They were simple, and designed for short term entertainment. Kids and adults alike enjoyed the early versions of arcade games and home entertainment systems. The video game industry collapsed in the mid 80's, but was reborn again when Nintendo released the original NES in the United States in the late 80's. At this time, video games were still pretty light hearted and contained little in the way of graphic violence. That was about to change though.
In the early 90's a company name Midway launched the first game in the series known as Mortal Kombat. While there were somewhat violent video games before it, this particular game took violence and gore to completely unheard of levels for the industry at the time. Mortal Kombat featured blood shed, dismemberment, impalement, and even spinal cord removal. It soon became all the rage in the arcades, and managed to generate more than it's fair share of negative press due to the graphic violence presented in the game. It's important to note that I was in my early 20's at this point, old enough to know the difference between the real world and fantasy worlds. I wasn't some kid, mindlessly plugging quarters into a machine and laughing about the violence that ensued on the screen. I dohave to admit that I was very much into the whole Mortal Kombat series as a whole, in the early days. I even purchased it for my Nintendo system when it came out on the home consoles, and spent hours and hours pummeling my fraternity brothers, who loved the game as much as I did.
It was at this point in time that political forces got involved with concerns about violence in video games. In 1994, the Entertainment Software Rating Board (ESRB), was created. The ESRB then developed a video game age suitability rating scale, similar in nature to the system used to rate a suitability scale for movies. These ratings range from "Early Childhood" to "Adults Only". It should be noted that these ratings are not governed by the government and are not legally enforced. They exist solely to educate parents as to what kind of content is present in a video game. Retailers can, and have, established policies about not selling "Mature" or "Adults Only" related content to minors under the age of 17. Just how well they stick to these policies, is anyone's guess. The point is, there is a system in place that rates the violent content level of video games and what age groups said games are suitable for.
Going back to the conversation that I had with my father regarding violent video games, I support the ESRB ratings systems. However, I don't think it goes far enough, and think the government needs to get involved in the regulation of who can buy these games. I play violent video games all of the time, and have for over 20 years now. I am an adult, and started playing these games as an adult. Adult being the key word there. I strongly believe that almost all of the games that I enjoy playing, absolutely should NOT be played by ANY people under the age of 18. This is where things start to get more complicated.
If I jump on my Xbox 360 to play some Halo 4 online right now, which is a "Mature" rated game (meaning it's only suitable for people over the age of 17), I will most definitely encounter players who are as young 7 or 8 playing the game online. In fact, depending on what time of day you are playing, the majority of people playing Halo 4 online are under the age of 17. This is not an appropriate game for kids, in my opinion. It involves hunting and killing other players in an online environment, full of anonymity (internet anonymity is a subject for another day). Where are these kids getting these games? Their parents are buying them for them, that's where.
Video game violence is ubiquitous now, and as time marches on, it only seems to get worse and worse. Like I said above, I enjoy playing these games, but tend to shy away from the more violent versions in favor of immersion in story elements. Yes, something needs to be done about violent video games, parents need to stop buying them for their children to play. It's as simple as that, people. Parents need to take responsibility for parenting their children, instead of blaming an entire industry for gun violence. Letting your children plug into a video game for 4 hours a day, isn't good parenting, in my opinion. I'm sure older parents can remember the days before the dawn of video games, and I'm pretty sure there were plenty of things to keep children entertained then. There is absolutely no substitute for good, conscious parenting. Stop buying kids "Mature" rated games and letting them play them, people!
I've only touched on one major hot button in the debate about gun violence (or violence, in general) in the United States. Every party in the cross hairs is blaming another party in the cross hairs. It's time for simple, common sense methods to be used to make a difference. Do I believe that the government should regulate the video game industry more? Most certainly. However, I think that parents can make much more of a difference by being just that, a parent. It's time to take responsibility for your children's development and well being. I am absolutely certain that exposing children to graphic violence has negative effects on empathic responses, and ultimately desensitizes young minds to the horrors of violence, as a whole. Common sense and responsibility will ultimately prove to be the ultimate weapons in the war agains violence in the United States.
Monday, March 18, 2013
Saturday, March 9, 2013
Does Your Music Have A Sense Of Humor?
It's a very poorly kept secret that outside of the Dave Matthews Band, my taste in music is wildly varied, if not eccentric in nature. Seriously, there really is no way of predicting just what I am going to take a liking to. In fact, the best way to categorize my tastes is to explore what I dislike. I am extremely allergic to any Pop music, allergic meaning that it makes me want to throw up. I am also very displeased with what passes for Country music today, but I don't listen to it, so it can be as bad as it wants to be. It has become clear to me very recently that I have a very strong tendency to gravitate towards music that conveys an underlying message or meaning.....except for all the time when I don't follow this rule. This applies to all of the electronic music that I listen to, it's mindless as hell because there are no lyrics. I've never been able to tell just why I like it so much, it must have something to do with not me not having very good taste (as most everyone points out any time I bring up my love for all things DMB). From a social standpoint, being a 40 year old who listens to a great deal of electronic music can be a little awkward at times. At least I don't attend any of the local raves, drop tons of ecstasy, and then shed my shirt to dance with glow sticks all night. In short, I like what I like, it doesn't make sense, and that's all I really have to say on the subject.
This is the point that I start talking expressing my sense of humor through some of the music that I listen to. To start off with, I feel very sorry for my coworkers, since they are subjected to my musical tastes almost every day. This has to do with the fact that in order to keep my sanity at work, there has to be music playing in the background. I make fun of ALL music, especially my own, so it's best that I play my own so I don't offend someone by making fun of THEIR music. I have my own iPod speaker dock/charger thingy, that I haul out every day, stuff the old iPod into, hit shuffle on my "work" playlist, and begin another shift of acoustical bliss and commentary. For my coworkers' convenience (and sanity), I do try to do is weed out any of my more eccentric selections from my work playlist, this includes any and all of my electronic selections because, I admit, they can be extremely annoying to any normal person. Occasionally a wayward song or two ends up on the work playlist and gets played, and usually commented on by some of my coworkers (usually involving the term, WTF).
Like I said above, I am very much into music that has an underlying theme or message to it. This includes tracks and artists that for some odd reason or another, I find very humorous. One of these songs would be, "One of Us", by Joan Osborn. I'm probably the only person on the planet that plays this song regularly anymore. Poor Joan had exactly one hit in her lifetime, and unfortunately for her, I have chosen to immortalize this song for the rest of my life. I find this song humorous because the underlying theme is about the idea that God could be just a regular jerk hole, wandering the streets of some smelly city like the rest of us. As an agnostic, this is an extremely humorous concept. Of course, me being me, I have to makeup my own lyrics....just because it's fun to do. I have this, ummm, how should I put it? Let's say affection, yes, affection. An affection for referring to God as Dog (God is Dog spelled backwards after all. Coincidence? I think not.). I, of course, find this to be very, very humorous just for the fact that I could very well be living with the creator of all things every day, and not know it..... God, or I should really say Dog, (Praise him!) may just be my good friend JackJack. Though if this really is the case, homeless people, UPS delivery men, people on Harley Davidson motorcycles, and teenagers on skateboards, are the worst of sinners and are doomed to go straight to hell after leaving this plane of existence. Anyway, what if Dog really is "One of Us"? I would absolutely be happy as a clam if this were the case and as a result, very ironic, and very, very humorous. Yes, I'm pretty sure I'm going to hell, there absolutely no changing that, so I'm just going to continue on my merry way (on second thought, I already spend 40 hours a week in hell, I work at the Community Medial Center laboratory).
This would be a good time for a disclaimer of sorts: At no point in time is my sense of humor supposed to make any sense whatsoever. I make fun of absolutely anything, and everything, this especially includes me, myself, and I. If there is one rule I live by, it's not to take myself very seriously. However, if you don't find any of the following examples to be funny, you need to have your head examined.....because I am the very model of a well adjusted human being.
So, there are more than a few songs on my iPod that are there only to remind me of just how funny that life is. This includes the cheesiest, 80's butt rock that you can find (actually, this particular example is very serious in nature, it's the delivery that's hilarious). Lounge singers with effeminate voices (come on, it's Wayne Newton). Songs about chickens (sorry, Dad), hot dog stands (sorry again, Dad), cocaine (this, at least, is in good taste...for once), marijuana, some cow bell, more marijuana (I just think the whole weed culture is hilarious), terrible covers of classic songs, country legends at their worst, extremely annoying songs about classic toys, songs about speeding, absurd songs about being a cowboy (that one is for you, Yarrow), old school Ozzie (so funny), more country legends at their worst, awful James Bond themes, another legendary lounge singer at his worst, legendary Mexican trumpetists (so sorry, Dad), more awful 80's music, stuff I'm not even sure what to make of (is she having a seizure?), the worst rapper ever, and even more country legends at their worst.
Am I eccentric? Most certainly. Is this funny? Undoubtedly. Do my coworkers hate me? Absolutely. They say, "Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.". I say, "Funny music is in the eye of the beholder.".
Finally, I would like to apologize to anyone foolish enough to watch any of the linked videos I posted. I would also like to thank my Dad for exposing me to so much hilarious music. And on that note, I'm going to go hunt for even more musical selections of dubious taste to entertain myself with.
Did I say I was done? Not quite. There is one last song I absolutely have to share. "Luka", has a very special place in my heart.......just not with those lyrics. Here's how it should really go:
My name is JackJack,
I live on the basement floor,
I live downstairs from you,
I know I've barked at you before.
As if anyone needs any further proof that I'm obsessed with my dog. Also, I'm so full of shit (but you know that already).
This is the point that I start talking expressing my sense of humor through some of the music that I listen to. To start off with, I feel very sorry for my coworkers, since they are subjected to my musical tastes almost every day. This has to do with the fact that in order to keep my sanity at work, there has to be music playing in the background. I make fun of ALL music, especially my own, so it's best that I play my own so I don't offend someone by making fun of THEIR music. I have my own iPod speaker dock/charger thingy, that I haul out every day, stuff the old iPod into, hit shuffle on my "work" playlist, and begin another shift of acoustical bliss and commentary. For my coworkers' convenience (and sanity), I do try to do is weed out any of my more eccentric selections from my work playlist, this includes any and all of my electronic selections because, I admit, they can be extremely annoying to any normal person. Occasionally a wayward song or two ends up on the work playlist and gets played, and usually commented on by some of my coworkers (usually involving the term, WTF).
Like I said above, I am very much into music that has an underlying theme or message to it. This includes tracks and artists that for some odd reason or another, I find very humorous. One of these songs would be, "One of Us", by Joan Osborn. I'm probably the only person on the planet that plays this song regularly anymore. Poor Joan had exactly one hit in her lifetime, and unfortunately for her, I have chosen to immortalize this song for the rest of my life. I find this song humorous because the underlying theme is about the idea that God could be just a regular jerk hole, wandering the streets of some smelly city like the rest of us. As an agnostic, this is an extremely humorous concept. Of course, me being me, I have to makeup my own lyrics....just because it's fun to do. I have this, ummm, how should I put it? Let's say affection, yes, affection. An affection for referring to God as Dog (God is Dog spelled backwards after all. Coincidence? I think not.). I, of course, find this to be very, very humorous just for the fact that I could very well be living with the creator of all things every day, and not know it..... God, or I should really say Dog, (Praise him!) may just be my good friend JackJack. Though if this really is the case, homeless people, UPS delivery men, people on Harley Davidson motorcycles, and teenagers on skateboards, are the worst of sinners and are doomed to go straight to hell after leaving this plane of existence. Anyway, what if Dog really is "One of Us"? I would absolutely be happy as a clam if this were the case and as a result, very ironic, and very, very humorous. Yes, I'm pretty sure I'm going to hell, there absolutely no changing that, so I'm just going to continue on my merry way (on second thought, I already spend 40 hours a week in hell, I work at the Community Medial Center laboratory).
This would be a good time for a disclaimer of sorts: At no point in time is my sense of humor supposed to make any sense whatsoever. I make fun of absolutely anything, and everything, this especially includes me, myself, and I. If there is one rule I live by, it's not to take myself very seriously. However, if you don't find any of the following examples to be funny, you need to have your head examined.....because I am the very model of a well adjusted human being.
So, there are more than a few songs on my iPod that are there only to remind me of just how funny that life is. This includes the cheesiest, 80's butt rock that you can find (actually, this particular example is very serious in nature, it's the delivery that's hilarious). Lounge singers with effeminate voices (come on, it's Wayne Newton). Songs about chickens (sorry, Dad), hot dog stands (sorry again, Dad), cocaine (this, at least, is in good taste...for once), marijuana, some cow bell, more marijuana (I just think the whole weed culture is hilarious), terrible covers of classic songs, country legends at their worst, extremely annoying songs about classic toys, songs about speeding, absurd songs about being a cowboy (that one is for you, Yarrow), old school Ozzie (so funny), more country legends at their worst, awful James Bond themes, another legendary lounge singer at his worst, legendary Mexican trumpetists (so sorry, Dad), more awful 80's music, stuff I'm not even sure what to make of (is she having a seizure?), the worst rapper ever, and even more country legends at their worst.
Am I eccentric? Most certainly. Is this funny? Undoubtedly. Do my coworkers hate me? Absolutely. They say, "Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.". I say, "Funny music is in the eye of the beholder.".
Finally, I would like to apologize to anyone foolish enough to watch any of the linked videos I posted. I would also like to thank my Dad for exposing me to so much hilarious music. And on that note, I'm going to go hunt for even more musical selections of dubious taste to entertain myself with.
Did I say I was done? Not quite. There is one last song I absolutely have to share. "Luka", has a very special place in my heart.......just not with those lyrics. Here's how it should really go:
My name is JackJack,
I live on the basement floor,
I live downstairs from you,
I know I've barked at you before.
As if anyone needs any further proof that I'm obsessed with my dog. Also, I'm so full of shit (but you know that already).
Sunday, March 3, 2013
Experience, Adversity, Discovery, Evolution, And A Crisis Of Identity.
A few months ago, someone close to me told me that I dress like a hipster. A hipster? I may be many things, but I most certainly am not a hipster. My fashion wardrobe consists entirely of "Life Is Good" shirts, Dave Matthews Band tour t-shirts, a multitude of outdoor and workout tees, Keen shoes and sandals, a multitude of Buffs, and the ever important designated hat. This, most certainly, is not the wardrobe of a true hipster.
This moment triggered some reflection and self analysis concerning who I was, what I've become, and what it all means to be me. Coincidentally, it is the 7 year anniversary of my move to Kauai. Ever since my experience on Kauai and relocation to here in Missoula, I have struggled with just who I think I am identity wise. Before I moved to Kauai, I was obsessed with materialistic pursuits and living the "normal" life someone in their thirties with a good career lives. I tried extremely hard to follow this path, determined to be just like the rest of the average United States citizen....... and I was very unhappy, as a result. I told myself, "There has to be more to life than this.". I was married, I had three dogs, we were on track to buy a house someday, why wasn't I happy? I yearned for something completely different, I needed an experience so different that it would force me to see life in a completely different way. Well, I got just that... in spades.
My wife and I had honeymooned on the island of Kauai, and it had given me a taste of a lifestyle that I had never experienced before. We jokingly entertained the idea of giving everything up and moving to the island, at no point in time did I think my wife was serious. One day, she called me at work and was really excited about something. She had done some sniffing around on the internet and found a job opening for a Medical Technologist, on none other than the island of Kauai. Suddenly, we were seriously entertaining something that was beyond the wildest of my dreams. Long story short, we took the plunge. I literally had no idea what was to come once I set foot on the island as a resident, or even just how much of an effect it would on the person I was at the time.
The state of Hawaii has a style that is completely it's own, to say the least. Being a haole from the mainland, integrating with this culture proved to be far more difficult that I could possibly have imagined. Despite those obstacles, I found that I embraced a hybrid of Californian and Hawaiian surf culture. I found this to be a very good fit for my personality, and quickly grew very comfortable with it. Surf culture is usually very laid back (when not in the water,waiting for sets to come in, then it is very, very structured, rigid and intolerant of non-locals) and very liberal in nature. Before I moved to the island, my ideals were very much what you would consider middle of the road, I was socially and politically conservative on some issues and liberal on others. Growing up in Montana, my cultural experiences were very limited and naive in nature.
However, once I got to Kauai, a radical change began to occur, so much so that my then wife told me that she didn't recognize who I was anymore. My wife left me after 6 weeks on the island, unable to deal with the cultural differences and sheer distance from all that she had know. Suddenly, I found myself to be a lot more financially challenged than I had ever been. As a result, my personality moved away from materialistic endeavors to a much, much more laid back and liberal mind set. Being able to play in the waves every day only strengthened my adoption of the island lifestyle and mindset. Oh how much I miss riding waves every day. I have always been a real water person and it just seems like I was born to close to the ocean. To this day, I have yet to encounter a euphoric experience that even comes close to riding across the face of a wave, time seems to slow down and you feel very at one with the essence of the wave and the ocean as a whole. It was a very life changing experience, and I would like to believe that it opened up my mind to things that I had never contemplated before.
Hawaii is a very beautiful place, but it has a very sad side to it. On Kauai in particular, a great deal of the local population lives in what we would consider poverty. For the first time in my life, the disparity between the "haves" and the "have nots" was a constant presence. The Hawaiian people as a whole, are some of the most beautiful people I have ever met. I had the honor of meeting two women who were 100% Hawaiian, in fact the person who introduced them to me told me to touch them because they were 100%, and were extremely special. Both of these women were very much true representatives of what it Hawaiian culture is. Unfortunately, that culture is slowly dying, something that I lament very deeply to this day. I learned what Kau Inoa means and why it exists as a movement. You see, the indigenous people of the Hawaiian islands do not hold "indigenous people" status in the eyes of the United States government. This means that native Hawaiians do not receive the same kind of benefits that the many tribes of Native Americans of the mainlands from the federal government. This is an absolute outrage since the US expatriates overthrew the Hawaiian monarchy in 1893, and the US government annexed the islands in 1898. I became more and more ashamed of the actions of my government and country as I learned more and more. This had the effect of opening up my eyes to plight and treatment of all the indigenous people of the United States. Things were no longer simple, or black and white. I came to realize that we, as human beings, have a responsibility to each other and society. In short, I was becoming more and more liberal, and socially conscious each day.
As much as the Kauai had an effect on me, it wasn't a good place for someone who has Complex PTSD, making me very much susceptible to any negative social stimulus, due to the abuse I suffered as a child. I learned how ugly racism could be, the locals hated haoles from the mainland, we were occupying their land and taking all the good jobs from them. Racism was very real toward whites, and I identified with and understood the reasons the local people of Hawaii hate us. Things didn't work out for me and I crash landed back on the mainland after a very public nervous breakdown at work. I discovered that my ex-wife had taken almost all of the furniture that was in storage, the majority of which was given to me by my father before we even got married. I had next to nothing, it was me, JackJack and my car. I only two friends left over from the divorce and worse yet, I was in a relationship with a very, very unstable woman who, in the end, tried her very best to destroy me.
I had absolutely no idea who I was anymore, and things only continued this way for nearly three and a half years due to the manipulation and abuse my ex-girlfriend subjected me to. Things finally came to a head in May of 2011, after a six month long stint of an increasingly absurd, and cruel ruse perpetrated by my ex, designed to do nothing but torture me, I snapped. Fortunately, I landed in an intensive outpatient treatment program for people with mental illness. It was at this time that I finally started to untangle the experiences of the previous 5 years and gain some level of understanding of who I am again. I'd like to say that this has been an easy process for me, but it hasn't. I'm forty years old now and I struggle with concepts of where and what "normal" people my age are doing with themselves. I know I'm not supposed to think about things like that, people are all different, and lead lives according to who they are. It helps that Missoula is a very liberal community that supports a very wide variety of lifestyles. What doesn't help is that if I drive 5 miles in any direction, that sort of tolerance comes to an abrupt end. I'm forty now, I have lived in a tiny studio apartment for almost 4 years now. I'm just now climbing out of the debt I accrued during my time on the island. I'm about 40 pounds heavier than I was on the island, my sister killed herself nearly four years ago, I have a very serious mental illness and I have basically stopped trying to interact with the people in the world. I carry a great deal of shame over this.I feel like I have nothing to show for the last seven years of my life. People tell me this isn't really the case, and to a large extent, this is very true. The amount of life experience I've gained during this time is absolutely staggering and cannot be calculated. I have undergone a radical change, so radical that I doubt the person I was ten years ago would even begin to recognize who I've become. Unfortunately, I'm not sharing that experience with anyone, and I rarely ever talk about my life and experiences on the island. In fact, it's only been within the last few months that I have even been able to think about those experiences and how much they had an effect on me, it was just too raw and painful. This was coupled with the fact that I was literally just trying to survive from one day to the next without removing myself from this plane of existence. Recently, I've done things to remind me of those days I spent on the island. I got a tattoo of a Hawaiian Honu with a representation of the Hawaiian islands on it's shell, Kauai colored in red, on my left calf. I also purchased a Maori Koru and Honu surf necklaces to serve as daily reminders of my experience, and adventures on the island. I need to remember that culture, it's very important to me. Sadly, I still can't bring myself to listen to the Hawaiian music I collected during my time there, it reminds me too much of the time I spent with my ex-girlfriend. Maybe with time that will change.
I've finally stopped denying that the last seven years happened, and I'm trying my best to learn about the person that I've become. It's a daily and complicated process and it most certainly is going to continue to take a long time. However, I know the following things: Ideologically, I am extremely liberal, bordering on non-conformist, this means that I am far more empathetic than I used to be. My "emotional "age and "experience" age couldn't be farther apart if they tried. I am a vanguard member of the "geek" generation in terms of age and growing up, that territory is largely unexplored as far as societal acceptance goes. I've seen things that are so beautiful that they have brought tears to my eyes (that subject is for another time and place), and I have seen unspeakable cruelty. My path is my own, and no one else's, I have to accept that for what it is. I am no longer materialistic and seek the meaning of life through experience and enlightenment, instead of material possessions. I will always, always have dogs in my life, preferably rat terriers. Things I struggle with: What I have to offer to people in terms of relationships and friendships. My exact place in the world. Trust. Trust. Trust. Isolation, both self imposed, and incidental. A balanced view, and sense of self.
Coming to grips with who you are is something that everyone has to deal with in their life. Unfortunately, a lot of people aren't capable, are too wrapped up in their lives, or are just too much in denial to stop and look at themselves. I'm not claiming to be an expert on this subject, just having learned how to look, and perceive things myself. I am beginning to be able to see just how much I've grown and changed over time. Though I have suffered a lot of pain over the last seven years, I am very thankful for the experience and wisdom that it has provided.
This moment triggered some reflection and self analysis concerning who I was, what I've become, and what it all means to be me. Coincidentally, it is the 7 year anniversary of my move to Kauai. Ever since my experience on Kauai and relocation to here in Missoula, I have struggled with just who I think I am identity wise. Before I moved to Kauai, I was obsessed with materialistic pursuits and living the "normal" life someone in their thirties with a good career lives. I tried extremely hard to follow this path, determined to be just like the rest of the average United States citizen....... and I was very unhappy, as a result. I told myself, "There has to be more to life than this.". I was married, I had three dogs, we were on track to buy a house someday, why wasn't I happy? I yearned for something completely different, I needed an experience so different that it would force me to see life in a completely different way. Well, I got just that... in spades.
My wife and I had honeymooned on the island of Kauai, and it had given me a taste of a lifestyle that I had never experienced before. We jokingly entertained the idea of giving everything up and moving to the island, at no point in time did I think my wife was serious. One day, she called me at work and was really excited about something. She had done some sniffing around on the internet and found a job opening for a Medical Technologist, on none other than the island of Kauai. Suddenly, we were seriously entertaining something that was beyond the wildest of my dreams. Long story short, we took the plunge. I literally had no idea what was to come once I set foot on the island as a resident, or even just how much of an effect it would on the person I was at the time.
The state of Hawaii has a style that is completely it's own, to say the least. Being a haole from the mainland, integrating with this culture proved to be far more difficult that I could possibly have imagined. Despite those obstacles, I found that I embraced a hybrid of Californian and Hawaiian surf culture. I found this to be a very good fit for my personality, and quickly grew very comfortable with it. Surf culture is usually very laid back (when not in the water,waiting for sets to come in, then it is very, very structured, rigid and intolerant of non-locals) and very liberal in nature. Before I moved to the island, my ideals were very much what you would consider middle of the road, I was socially and politically conservative on some issues and liberal on others. Growing up in Montana, my cultural experiences were very limited and naive in nature.
However, once I got to Kauai, a radical change began to occur, so much so that my then wife told me that she didn't recognize who I was anymore. My wife left me after 6 weeks on the island, unable to deal with the cultural differences and sheer distance from all that she had know. Suddenly, I found myself to be a lot more financially challenged than I had ever been. As a result, my personality moved away from materialistic endeavors to a much, much more laid back and liberal mind set. Being able to play in the waves every day only strengthened my adoption of the island lifestyle and mindset. Oh how much I miss riding waves every day. I have always been a real water person and it just seems like I was born to close to the ocean. To this day, I have yet to encounter a euphoric experience that even comes close to riding across the face of a wave, time seems to slow down and you feel very at one with the essence of the wave and the ocean as a whole. It was a very life changing experience, and I would like to believe that it opened up my mind to things that I had never contemplated before.
Hawaii is a very beautiful place, but it has a very sad side to it. On Kauai in particular, a great deal of the local population lives in what we would consider poverty. For the first time in my life, the disparity between the "haves" and the "have nots" was a constant presence. The Hawaiian people as a whole, are some of the most beautiful people I have ever met. I had the honor of meeting two women who were 100% Hawaiian, in fact the person who introduced them to me told me to touch them because they were 100%, and were extremely special. Both of these women were very much true representatives of what it Hawaiian culture is. Unfortunately, that culture is slowly dying, something that I lament very deeply to this day. I learned what Kau Inoa means and why it exists as a movement. You see, the indigenous people of the Hawaiian islands do not hold "indigenous people" status in the eyes of the United States government. This means that native Hawaiians do not receive the same kind of benefits that the many tribes of Native Americans of the mainlands from the federal government. This is an absolute outrage since the US expatriates overthrew the Hawaiian monarchy in 1893, and the US government annexed the islands in 1898. I became more and more ashamed of the actions of my government and country as I learned more and more. This had the effect of opening up my eyes to plight and treatment of all the indigenous people of the United States. Things were no longer simple, or black and white. I came to realize that we, as human beings, have a responsibility to each other and society. In short, I was becoming more and more liberal, and socially conscious each day.
As much as the Kauai had an effect on me, it wasn't a good place for someone who has Complex PTSD, making me very much susceptible to any negative social stimulus, due to the abuse I suffered as a child. I learned how ugly racism could be, the locals hated haoles from the mainland, we were occupying their land and taking all the good jobs from them. Racism was very real toward whites, and I identified with and understood the reasons the local people of Hawaii hate us. Things didn't work out for me and I crash landed back on the mainland after a very public nervous breakdown at work. I discovered that my ex-wife had taken almost all of the furniture that was in storage, the majority of which was given to me by my father before we even got married. I had next to nothing, it was me, JackJack and my car. I only two friends left over from the divorce and worse yet, I was in a relationship with a very, very unstable woman who, in the end, tried her very best to destroy me.
I had absolutely no idea who I was anymore, and things only continued this way for nearly three and a half years due to the manipulation and abuse my ex-girlfriend subjected me to. Things finally came to a head in May of 2011, after a six month long stint of an increasingly absurd, and cruel ruse perpetrated by my ex, designed to do nothing but torture me, I snapped. Fortunately, I landed in an intensive outpatient treatment program for people with mental illness. It was at this time that I finally started to untangle the experiences of the previous 5 years and gain some level of understanding of who I am again. I'd like to say that this has been an easy process for me, but it hasn't. I'm forty years old now and I struggle with concepts of where and what "normal" people my age are doing with themselves. I know I'm not supposed to think about things like that, people are all different, and lead lives according to who they are. It helps that Missoula is a very liberal community that supports a very wide variety of lifestyles. What doesn't help is that if I drive 5 miles in any direction, that sort of tolerance comes to an abrupt end. I'm forty now, I have lived in a tiny studio apartment for almost 4 years now. I'm just now climbing out of the debt I accrued during my time on the island. I'm about 40 pounds heavier than I was on the island, my sister killed herself nearly four years ago, I have a very serious mental illness and I have basically stopped trying to interact with the people in the world. I carry a great deal of shame over this.I feel like I have nothing to show for the last seven years of my life. People tell me this isn't really the case, and to a large extent, this is very true. The amount of life experience I've gained during this time is absolutely staggering and cannot be calculated. I have undergone a radical change, so radical that I doubt the person I was ten years ago would even begin to recognize who I've become. Unfortunately, I'm not sharing that experience with anyone, and I rarely ever talk about my life and experiences on the island. In fact, it's only been within the last few months that I have even been able to think about those experiences and how much they had an effect on me, it was just too raw and painful. This was coupled with the fact that I was literally just trying to survive from one day to the next without removing myself from this plane of existence. Recently, I've done things to remind me of those days I spent on the island. I got a tattoo of a Hawaiian Honu with a representation of the Hawaiian islands on it's shell, Kauai colored in red, on my left calf. I also purchased a Maori Koru and Honu surf necklaces to serve as daily reminders of my experience, and adventures on the island. I need to remember that culture, it's very important to me. Sadly, I still can't bring myself to listen to the Hawaiian music I collected during my time there, it reminds me too much of the time I spent with my ex-girlfriend. Maybe with time that will change.
I've finally stopped denying that the last seven years happened, and I'm trying my best to learn about the person that I've become. It's a daily and complicated process and it most certainly is going to continue to take a long time. However, I know the following things: Ideologically, I am extremely liberal, bordering on non-conformist, this means that I am far more empathetic than I used to be. My "emotional "age and "experience" age couldn't be farther apart if they tried. I am a vanguard member of the "geek" generation in terms of age and growing up, that territory is largely unexplored as far as societal acceptance goes. I've seen things that are so beautiful that they have brought tears to my eyes (that subject is for another time and place), and I have seen unspeakable cruelty. My path is my own, and no one else's, I have to accept that for what it is. I am no longer materialistic and seek the meaning of life through experience and enlightenment, instead of material possessions. I will always, always have dogs in my life, preferably rat terriers. Things I struggle with: What I have to offer to people in terms of relationships and friendships. My exact place in the world. Trust. Trust. Trust. Isolation, both self imposed, and incidental. A balanced view, and sense of self.
Coming to grips with who you are is something that everyone has to deal with in their life. Unfortunately, a lot of people aren't capable, are too wrapped up in their lives, or are just too much in denial to stop and look at themselves. I'm not claiming to be an expert on this subject, just having learned how to look, and perceive things myself. I am beginning to be able to see just how much I've grown and changed over time. Though I have suffered a lot of pain over the last seven years, I am very thankful for the experience and wisdom that it has provided.
"Came in from a rainy Thursday
On the avenue
Thought I heard you talking softly
I turned on the lights, the TV
And the radio
Still I can't escape the ghost of you
What has happened to it all?
Crazy, some are saying
Where is the life that I recognize?
Gone away
But I won't cry for yesterday
There's an ordinary world
Somehow I have to find
And as I try to make my way
To the ordinary world
I will learn to survive
Passion or coincidence
Once prompted you to say
"Pride will tear us both apart"
Well now pride's gone out the window
Cross the rooftops
Run away
Left me in the vacuum of my heart
What is happening to me?
Crazy, some'd say
Where is my friend when I need you most?
Gone away
But I won't cry for yesterday
There's an ordinary world
Somehow I have to find
And as I try to make my way
To the ordinary world
I will learn to survive
Papers in the roadside
Tell of suffering and greed
Here today, forgot tomorrow
Ooh, here besides the news
Of holy war and holy need
Ours is just a little sorrowed talk
And I don't cry for yesterday
There's an ordinary world
Somehow I have to find
And as I try to make my way
To the ordinary world
I will learn to survive
Every one
Is my world, I will learn to survive
Any one
Is my world, I will learn to survive
Any one
Is my world
Every one
Is my world"
On the avenue
Thought I heard you talking softly
I turned on the lights, the TV
And the radio
Still I can't escape the ghost of you
What has happened to it all?
Crazy, some are saying
Where is the life that I recognize?
Gone away
But I won't cry for yesterday
There's an ordinary world
Somehow I have to find
And as I try to make my way
To the ordinary world
I will learn to survive
Passion or coincidence
Once prompted you to say
"Pride will tear us both apart"
Well now pride's gone out the window
Cross the rooftops
Run away
Left me in the vacuum of my heart
What is happening to me?
Crazy, some'd say
Where is my friend when I need you most?
Gone away
But I won't cry for yesterday
There's an ordinary world
Somehow I have to find
And as I try to make my way
To the ordinary world
I will learn to survive
Papers in the roadside
Tell of suffering and greed
Here today, forgot tomorrow
Ooh, here besides the news
Of holy war and holy need
Ours is just a little sorrowed talk
And I don't cry for yesterday
There's an ordinary world
Somehow I have to find
And as I try to make my way
To the ordinary world
I will learn to survive
Every one
Is my world, I will learn to survive
Any one
Is my world, I will learn to survive
Any one
Is my world
Every one
Is my world"
Duran Duran "Ordinary World"
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