One thing that I'm assaulted with every day is the reminder of just how different my lifestyle choices are from from your average 41 year old male. To begin with, I'm single and have been for nearly four years now. Most men my age are married, many on their second marriages. Also, the great majority have families, which has never been a goal of mine. Being single at 41 isn't the easiest thing if you are actively looking to find a soul mate or companion. However, I have all but given up the pursuit of a relationship within the last 3 years, primarily because I abhor dating and finding women who I connect with is next to impossible. Still there is a societal pressure for people to be in relationships and I guess I feel like I'm a bit of an oddity (which is a recurrent theme).
Back when I was married in the mid 2000s, it gradually became clear to me that the standard, "get married, buy a house, settle down, and have kids" idea of life was not going to work for me at all. That sort of thing just seemed too boring to me. Now I'm not criticizing those who went and did just that, I'm just saying that it was not the path for me. Unfortunately by late 2006 things were beginning to become stale in my marriage, it was clear that I was unhappy with the way things were going, and I didn't care for life in Spokane in general. Early in 2007 my wife proposed moving to Kauai, something I was originally reluctant to consider out of logistical reasons, but I soon came around to the idea. I knew going into things that we weren't going to be able to imagine how different life on one of the less populous islands in Hawaii was going to be for us and I did my best to convey that to my wife. We decided to move forward with the idea and before we knew it, we were fully committed. It was decided that I would move over to the island early to find us a place to live and start getting things settled while my wife took care of things in Spokane.
Within a few days after arriving on the island, it became very clear to me that moving to Kauai was exactly the sort of adventure I was looking for and I embraced my new lifestyle with gusto. This proved to be the final nail in the coffin of my marriage though. My wife arrived 4 weeks later and was immediately taken aback with the changes that had occurred within me. Worse yet, instead of embracing the lifestyle and culture like I had, she went into culture shock and quickly began to panic and become depressed. I tried to encourage her to embrace our new surroundings, but it was just too much for her. Finally, after only 6 weeks on the island, it became clear to me that things weren't going to work and that my wife needed to move back to the mainland. I finally told her that she go home even though I loved her and wanted her to stay with me. She told me that she no longer recognized the person I was and told me I should stay on the island to pursue my desires. So my wife flew home to Spokane on the very day that our two dogs were due to fly over to the island. It was decided that I would keep Jack and that she would take our other dog. She left that morning and Jack arrived later that afternoon. I wanted my wife and I to part (and remain) as friends with the understanding that our lives were just going in two different directions. Unfortunately that was not to remain the case as she renounced me shortly after returning home, stating that I was going to hell because I'm and atheist and she began dating one (and eventually marrying) one of the groomsmen in our wedding. That's neither here nor there though, I wish them well and hope they are happy together. The important thing is that Jack and I were now free to pursue our adventures together on Kauai..........
........and many adventures we did have. Unfortunately for us, the saying "be careful what you wish for" became a running theme in our lives. Though I did my best to make to most of things while on the island, things just just weren't in the cards to work out for Jack and I. Make no mistake, he and I did A LOT of amazing things there, things that I will never forget, but there were far too many obstacles and trauma for it to last. So just two years later, Jack and I found ourselves on a plane headed back to the mainland. Despite my best efforts to make things work and make Kauai our new home, my dream had failed.
To say that we crash landed back on the mainland would be the understatement of the century and it took over a year before we had our own living space again. It was at this time that the full realization of just how different what we had just done over the previous two years began to occur. During those two years, most of my friends had either moved on, settled down, bought homes, had children, or all of the above. In addition to those things, life on the island had radically changed who I was, both in very positive and some negative fashions. I had seen and done things that no one I knew could relate to or appreciate nor was anyone really that interested in what any of those experiences were. This was mostly because of the what I listed above, especially in regards to having children (I'm not knocking family life at all). Worst of all, the negative experiences and trauma I experienced through the divorce, living on the island, falling into debt, and coming home to find all I had left was Jack and my car, really poured gasoline on my preexisting mental health issues......then there was my sister's suicide (something to be discussed at length in the very near future).
Coming to grips with the person I am now has been a very arduous process over the last six years, something that has been greatly complicated by numerous unfortunate events and circumstances. Between my experiences and mental illness, I now find have a very difficult time forming bonds and relationships with people. To be succinct, I feel very different from everyone, almost alien at times. It is this concept that I probably struggle the most with. Like I said above, being 41 and single without children is a little outside the social norm. My experiences on the island give me a somewhat unique outlook on life when compared with the average person living in Montana. On top of that, I never have really fit into any existing social category, my pursuits and interests are about as widely varied as you are going to find in an individual. I shun almost all forms of mainstream media (TV, cable, radio), I'm an atheist, and I work evenings in the basement of a hospital. I recently came to the realization that my idea of what a 41 years old, single male is "supposed" to be doing at this point in his life and what I want to be doing are two different things entirely.
Going my own way is really hard though, especially when I have such a strong desire to be accepted and have a sense of belonging. Missoula is a good place to live as far as communities that accept people who do their own thing goes. People tell me that I need to find a group to associate myself with. This is very sound advice, but I have pretty serious trust issues and social anxiety. I'm tired of trying to fit in anywhere though, I just want to be free to pursue any interests that I want to without fear of any rejection, be that real or perceived. I have to learn just who I am, what I really want to do, try to make connections with people, and absolutely must learn to accept myself. I'm very proud to be unique and different, but I'm ashamed at the same time. I have no idea where I'm going at this point in my life and I really wish I could figure that out or at least get an idea of it. I must always go my own way though, it's not going to be easy, but I must do it. Hopefully answers and some measure of companionship are out there for me.
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