I've frequently mentioned that I was involved in a very unfortunate trauma situation at work about six months ago and had to make a very controversial judgement call in regard to a blood bank emergency issue that we had no defined protocol for. Laboratory leadership came looking for my head and executed a very thorough assassination of my character with anecdotal evidence provided by my peers. Now I'm not saying that my character is without flaws, that I am not capable of admitting when I have made a mistake, or that things didn't occur as smoothly as they should have that night, none of that is in question. Bad things happened that night, I made a decision that looked very callous to those not privy to the intricacies of blood bank medicine and I reacted very poorly when my actions were called into question. None of that is in question, nor is that event the subject of this post. The aftermath of all of that is of great significance to me though. I take an extreme amount of pride and responsibility in my career, it's a very big part of my personality and identity. My career is what separates me from being a somewhat functional member of society or being like my mother and sister, individuals who were defined solely by their mental illness. I may have my flaws and difficulties, but my intentions are ALWAYS good and honorable, especially when it comes to patient care and safety. During my disciplinary meeting, the lab manager so thoroughly assassinated my character that I left the room feeling like everyone I work with thinks I'm an awful, awful person. It was plainly clear that the lab manager had solicited anecdotal evidence from my coworkers, cherry picked what she wanted, and then strung me up for all to see. It was extremely hard on me, to say the least. I went home absolutely dejected and came to work the next completely despondent. All I could think was that everyone thinks I'm a bad person and I obsessed over it for weeks. In my mind, I had completely failed as a human being......as I defined it then.
During this time of severe depression and shame I had an epiphany, I realized that I've spent the vast majority of my life trying to convince the world and more importantly, myself, that I am a good and decent person. I've been obsessed with proving it without knowing it even since I can remember, possibly. This is the byproduct of emotional and physical abuse from numerous sources from a very young age until early adulthood and then some sporadic events during adulthood. Every single day when faced with decisions, I would ask myself, "What would a good and decent person do in this situation?", and then I would do my best to follow that course of action in hopes of convincing people that I'm a good and moral person. This means that I spend a LOT of time obsessing about what other people think of me and this is a very unhealthy practice. Because of the abuse I suffered growing up, I inately believe that I am a bad person and that I HAVE to somehow make up for that by proving to the world that I am capable of being a good person. That never happens though. Just what is the definintion of a good person? There isn't an answer to that question. Worse yet, it's very subjective from one person to the next. I can list qualities that I think are those posessed by good people, but that would be pages long and no one really is interested in that. The real problem exists with the fact that I don't believe that I'm a good person unless people around me think I'm a good person. Therefore, my life depends on what other people think of me.
Now, flash back to my situation at work. Here we have a setting that is very important to my self esteem and I suddenly find myself in a world where I see that my coworkers and administration think I'm a bad employee, which equates to being a bad person in my mind. To make matter worse, with two exceptions, I no longer trust ANYONE I work with......at all. I'm scared, I'm paranoid, I'm afraid I'm going to lose my job, I'm absolutely convinced that I am a bad person and that I'm never going to convince anyone otherwise. To be honest, I should have fallen flat on my face and I'm lucky I didn't make a very serious attempt on my life. That didn't happen though. I didn't redouble my efforts to convince anyone that I really am a good person either. I was angry, very angry. I don't think I've been that angry since being a teenager. Something changed. I was angry at being betrayed by people I thought were my friends. I was angry that all of that time and work I had devoted to convincing people that I was a good person turned out to be for nothing. I was mad that I did my best to help save someone's life that night, but was hung out to dry (again) for my efforts.I was tired of feeling like I was less of a person. I was tired of being judged by people who couldn't possibly understand the kind of obstacles that face me every single day. I was tired of hating myself. I was tired of constantly wondering what people were thinking about me. One day a woke up and a question came across my mind: "WHO FUCKING CARES WHAT OTHER PEOPLE THINK ABOUT ME? DOES IT EVEN REALLY MATTER?"
About three years ago someone told me something that I didn't put much stock in until that very moment in time. A mental health professional told me, "What anyone else thinks of you is none of your business." To be honest, I thought this was the biggest load of crap that I had ever heard. That's to be expected from someone with no sense of self worth and who is constantly obsessed with how other people observe him. My mind wasn't ready to take that step. Well, I think my mind finally did take that step about four months ago. I stopped caring what about what my coworkers thought about me entirely almost overnight. I realized that if I was going to continue at the hospital I work at and maintain any kind of mental health, I needed to take a BIG step back and figure where my priorities should be. I realized that my mental health must always be priority number one, no matter what. Then I evaluated other aspects of my life and placed my career a few notches lower than it had previously been. I realized I could still be a great clinical laboratory scientist without sacrificing my mental health at the same time. In short, I dropped a lot of problems that are beyond my control and responsibility to preserve my sanity. I realized that one of coworkers, who is now retired, had done this very thing many years ago to save her own sanity. Most importantly, I resolved to continue to be the best laboratorian I can be, BUT I am no longer going to give ANY care to what my coworkers think of me. It's none of my business and it's not worth my time. I've chronicled my new work attitude HERE and so far it seems to be working. I can tell you I'm not very popular with some elements of the lab, but I seriously don't care anymore.
This attitude of not caring as to whether people think I'm a good person or trying to prove so has transferred into my personal life too. I no longer care at all what anyone thinks about me. I don't care if people outside of work think I'm a good person or not and I have no intention of ever going out of my way to prove it to anyone either. I'm probably never going to be convinced that I'm a good person.....and that's okay. I know that concepts like understanding, compassion, and kindness are very important to me. I'm also a huge bleeding heart, idealistic, liberal. Even further beyond that, I'm an atheist and I have more than a few socialist tendencies. Those last few ideals definitely put me at odds with a great deal of the population of this nation, if not the world and there are those who are going to judge me as a bad person as a result.....which is their prerogative. I can be very blunt and controversial at times. I have opinions about everything and have little inhibition about sharing them. This can make me difficult to get along with at times, but that is almost never my intent. As long as I'm not harming anyone else, I'm going to go my own way and pursue my ideals and lifestyle. I don't have to prove anything to anyone, including myself. I've survived far too much to second guess myself all of the time anymore. Spending all of my time trying to convince everyone I'm a nice/good person has really gotten me nowhere, I'm really just ready to be a person, my own person. I've seen and met plenty of people who I thought weren't the nicest people, yet they seemed to get on just fine. In fact, most of those people I met had or have a lot people in their lives than I do. Even further than that, they seem to be at peace with themselves.....something which I have never been able to attain. In the end, does it really matter if the world think you are a good person or not? A person's actions define who they are. Like I said above, I'm very much about kindness, understanding, and compassion. I like doing kind things for people, I just prefer to do them behind the scenes. I also care about people, I just don't emote it or go out of my way to show it. When the chips are down, I'll always be there to offer my hand in help, or shoulder to lean on. It will always be in private or behind the scenes though and will ALWAYS be sincere. I never want anything in return, nor do I seek recognition. In fact, I don't really want recognition beyond a thanks. I consider being kind to be every human being's responsibility. I help hundreds of people every year behind the scenes through my job, I don't seek thanks or recognition for those efforts from those people and I feel the same way about acts of kindness in the real world.
I recently sold my mother's condo to a married couple who were friends or hers that lost their home in a fire. I didn't just sell them the condo, I told them they could have any and all of the furniture in the condo as well, since they lost most of their possessions to smoke damage. I could have sold the condo for a fair amount more money, but I knew it would place it out of their price range. Mom left me enough inheritance that I can pay off my debts, buy a new car, and buy my own home with ease. There is nothing more that I could possibly need and I really have no desire for anything else. What is squeezing every last cent out of my mother's home and possessions going to gain for me? Nothing meaningful, to be certain. In the end, I'm selling someone's else's life and memories. Why not just give away most of it to someone in need? Money buys comfort, not happiness. With my debts paid off, my career is more than capable of supporting a comfortable lifestyle for me and The Dingoes. I was presented with a chance for me honor my mother by doing a very kind thing for some people she knew. I'm not writing this for any recognition, nor did I do this for them to prove anything to the world. I did this thing for them because I thought it was the morale, compassionate, and right thing to do. I would like to think that anyone placed in that situation would have done the same thing for them.
The problem lies with the fact that mom's friends are beyond appreciative of the gesture. So much so that it makes me REALLY uncomfortable. They have placed me on a very pedestal and continue to shower me with praise and love. They hardly know me though. I'm a VERY complicated man and my relationship with my mother was not a very good one. The praise I'm getting from mom's friends is almost unbearable for me. I received an email from the woman earlier this week informing me that they really want me to meet their grandchildren and whatnot. PLEASE NO! First off, the family is pretty religious and I'm about as atheist as they come, something I've been concealing from them since the day I met them. I never speak of the subject unless asked, but I find that just answering that I'm atheist is enough to offend many conservative elements. Second, I'm the very model of a middle aged, single, eccentric man. I can't possibly live up to the portrait that they've painted of me. Thirdly, they haven't seen me since I started covering my arms in tattoos. I'm not ashamed of myself or what I've done, I just don't want to make their heads explode. I am very much a model Missoula resident: weird as hell. All of this, "You are such a nice man and such a blessing!", stuff only scares the hell out of me. I just want to be a guy, that's all. I was very, very, happy to be able to help them in their time of need and it honestly helped me gain some peace and closure over my issues with my mother. I am not that man that they think I am, I don't want to have to try to live up to man's legacy. He's not me, I'm not him. How do you get that point across to them? A situation presented itself where I could make a difference in some people's lives. I've been without a home, without any possessions save my car and my canine best friend. I know what that's like and I couldn't stand there and let someone else go through that without lending a hand. The last thing in the world I want ANYONE in this world to know is to how it feels to be me or have been me. It touched a nerve, a very raw nerve. I HAD TO DO SOMETHING. This doesn't make me a saint, I don't want to be a saint. I just don't to watch people suffer. Ever. I'm just a guy, a guy with a very serious mental illness, and two dogs that he loves more than the world itself. I just want to be me, I want to find my own answers in my own fashion. I don't want to have to live up to anything other than being a good doggie dad.
Am I a good person? I don't know. Does it even really matter? Not really. What about what other people think about me? That's none of my business and it really shouldn't matter to me. Do I need to go out of my way to be a good person? No. I'm naturally kind, understanding, and compassionate, that's enough. Do I need to convince anyone that I'm a good person? Fuck no......and I have no intention of wasting any more time trying.
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