I recently posted an expose on the merits and difficulties of going your own way in today's world and I would place being a middle aged single man in that category. Being single as an adult in our society is not the norm and in many respects has negative connotations associated with it. I had a lot of anxiety over this until as recently as last year, but I managed to shrug all of that off about the same time that I stopped caring about what other people think about me. A lot of that has to do with the realization that I would rather be alone than in a bad, unhappy, or unhealthy relationship. My marriage didn't exactly end in the fashion I would have liked it to, but it was doomed from the get go. I harbor no resentments toward my ex-wife though I suspect the sentiment is not mutual.....and that's okay. She's now happily married to someone who was in our bridal party.....which sounds like something straight out of a soap opera, I admit. Like I said above, I have harbor resentments toward her and actually am very good humored about the situation. My next relationship proved to be very, very unhealthy and extremely abusive in nature. The specifics are complex and quite absurd. Too absurd even for soap operas. Fortunately things didn't progress into marriage and I pity the man she pitted me against and eventually went on to marry, he's now married to a very, very, mentally ill woman who could very well could clinically be labeled as a psychopath (not that I don't have significant mental health problems). It's easy to see what happened in hindsight, she came into my life when I was probably the most vulnerable that I had ever been. The rest is history. I still wear the scars from that experience, but I survived and I've learned an incredible amount about myself in the aftermath. The worst part is that I was very deeply in love with her and part of me always will be. Such a beautiful and ill woman. I wish her well and hope she some day will be able to see beyond the walls of her personality disorder and I hope she can come to terms with the things she has done to people along the way.
The aftermath of that four year mess has been one of loneliness, discovery, and acceptance. Oh how I hated being alone those first few years. Though I bordered on being desperate for companionship, I kept enough of my wits about me to know that I didn't want to stumble into anything bad again, but I felt like a failure because I was alone. One sad thing that I've discovered is that there are plenty of single people out there who are indeed desperate enough to do anything to have someone in their lives if they find themselves to be single after a divorce or end of a long term relationship. I nearly stumbled into a few of those situations in the last few years, only to come to the terrifying realization of things before anything could happen. It scares the shit out of me, to say the least. I won't be manipulated ever again. I won't give ANYONE power over me again either. I would rather die completely alone than fall under someone's influence or manipulations again. I don't need anyone who would do things like that in my life again, I've suffered far too much abuse to suffer any more. I don't need to be in a relationship just to be validated, I have two Dingoes for that. I'm perfectly happy by myself, which is something a lot of people I know would never be able to accomplish. I don't need anyone. My happiness will never be dependent upon someone else nor will I ever be in a relationship just to be in a relationship. I am truly free in that regard.
All that being said, it would be very nice to have someone to share myself with. I've experienced a lot of things in life, beautiful things and things that would have completely destroyed a lot of people. I lived in Hawaii for two years with my oldest Dingo and we had many, many adventures together. It has been years since I've actually talked to anyone about my time on the island, yet it was such a transformative period in my life. I'm a very deep, complicated, and layered human being. I'm also very soft and compassionate on the inside, once you past my numerous defensive barriers. I'm passionate about many, many things and I can appreciate beauty in the most unlikely places. I also happen to be a romantic at heart, which is a part of my personality that never gets used these days.
My life is far from empty without an intimate partner, but it would be nice to have someone with me.
........and with all of that being said, I'm SO complicated though. I walk well beyond the periphery of mainstream society and seem to only stray farther and farther from it as time goes on. I have no intention whatsoever of being "normal". I question everything I carry a lot of scars and pain with me, my demons haunt me every night in my sleep. There are times in my life when it's all I can do get out of bed and feed myself. I'm a huge fatalist and I'm completely convinced that I will die by my own hand some time in the future. I'm obsessed with dark philosophy. I'm an atheist and about as secular as you can get. There is little about me that isn't complicated nor am I easy to understand. One of the reasons why I'm so comfortable being alone is because I honestly don't see that I'm ever going to find anyone who is going to patient or deep enough to handle me. I can't even keep any long term close friends, let alone maintain an intimate relationship. So to be honest, I've given up on the idea of finding anyone.........and that's okay. I spend a LOT of time sitting in my coffee shop in downtown Missoula watching people come and go. I wonder what it's like to be normal, what it's like to be able to make friends easily, and what it's like to have intimate relationships with the opposite sex. I'm not going to sugar coat it though, I'm quite certain the majority of couples I see are in relationships that are not healthy. I've watched too many of my friends' relationships fall apart or watched them stay within an unhappy relationship because they weren't strong enough to go their own way. I've seen too many friends choose the wrong people or keep going back to the wrong person time and time again. As with everything in life, I'm really cynical about love, marriage, and relationships.......but I also UNDERSTAND how they are supposed to work very well......well enough to know that I'm probably not capable of being a healthy partner to anyone......and that's okay. There is nothing anywhere that says life has to be fair, you have try to make the best that you can with the cards that you are dealt. I have two Dingoes in my life that I love very dearly and I think it's a very beautiful love, one that brings so much joy to my life. I may not have anyone in my life as far an intimate relationship goes, but there is plenty of love in my life. Being alone is okay and I'm okay with being alone.
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